We can’t help but wonder why the Housewives are acting so desperate this year. Seems as the season progresses, the more clothes come off. The show opens at Carlton’s with a half-naked woman who knows how to pole dance. (Not to be mistaken with the previous episode.) We understand that the drama this season hasn’t been as fun, interesting, or pretty much anything at all, but how many more episodes are going to open with women adorned in accessories and their birthday suits? Can the folks at Bravo really believe this is what the 18-49 FEMALE viewers want? (Hats off to ATL which has been killing it in the drama department.)
As we move from the barely-there intro, we follow Brandi and Yolanda to Sacramento for Brandi’s book signing, and also her dad’s birthday. He’s been upset with her since the release of her book. She called him a drug dealer when in fact he was a marijuana grower — big difference — totally worth abandoning your daughter in her desperate time of need. It gives us some insight into her early support of gay rights; not exactly what the book is known for, but a breath of fresh air that we’ll gladly take.
Joyce decides to learn the art of self-defense and invites all of the girls along. Brandi arrives just after Joyce, and we hold our breath in anticipation, but absolutely nothing happens. It’s as though they’re old friends. Carlton gets into the ring first, and to nobody’s surprise, she is a bad ass bi**h. Her punch is harder than the coach’s. Lisa follows, wearing nothing but a pink sports bra. (That woman is more attractive in her sports bra than all the young women at Carlton’s house in scene 1.) We’re not surprised.
Kyle does surprise us by giving Brandi a card to let her know that she’s there for her. They go to lunch and Brandi insists to Lisa and Kyle that she is fine, but Lisa can see through it, she knows Brandi is a big fat – well, neither big nor fat – liar.
Brandi’s hand is broken. She meets and marries her hand doctor. She is never alone again.
Carlton casts a spell on Joyce, and her hair falls out.
Yolanda remains the same – perfect.
Kim cries about a mundane event in one of her children’s lives.
Kyle cries over Kim.