Dear readers, I have two shameful confessions. First, full disclosure: As I am not Brian Moylan — who is currently on assignment at Sundance Film Festival — I’m not your normal recapper. My sincerest apologies. Second, and even more tragic, I must inform you that I’ve seen exactly two hours and thirty-eight minutes of The Real Housewives in my life. Like, any of the Real Housewives shows. My only memories of this show involve walking into my college apartment and watching my friends stare transfixed at the screen as people with expensive hair extensions paraded around in unflattering maxi dresses doing whatever it is rich people do.
But after tonight, it’s clear I misjudged these ladies. This is like what would happen if MTV made a gritty reboot of Downton Abbey. I think I’m in love.
To get things started, an important observation: In a sea of silicone and collagen, Kyle is the scariest. I watched an hour of this show and not once did her eyebrows move. Can someone confirm that she has ever cracked a smile? Because right now I have my doubts. Actually, while we’re at it can someone confirm that she’s not Demi Moore? Thank you.
Tonight’s episode picked up right where we left off last week (thank you, Bravo reruns). As a quick refresher, Brandi had just rolled into the restaurant and dropped the bomb: Adrienne “Cheek Implants” Maloof is suing her. So naturally, when tonight’s episode opens, everyone’s aggressive. And drunk. (This will continue to be a theme all night).
Mauricio starts shouting at Brandi about how she should have called up Maloof and just fixed the whole problem mano a mano. So Brandi starts shrieking at Mauricio. Mauricio starts shrieking back at Brandi. Then Taylor starts shrieking at no one in particular, making everyone remember who they actually hate.
The next day, we see Kyle attempting to light a fire, which she accomplishes by repeatedly throwing matches in the general direction of the fireplace until one catches. Is that a rich person thing? I guess if you have money to blow you don’t really need to worry about accidentally burning your home down. Thankfully, Kyle avoids a house fire and instead invites Maloof and hubby Paul over for drinks. I would have preferred the house fire, but I guess that’s just me.
Across town on Planet Sad Eyes, Kim has hired a psychic, because are you really surprised? The psychic informs her that she’s being haunted by the spirits of her future grandchildren. Sad Eyes is enthralled. I think she is also drunk. Is everyone drunk on this show all the time?
The psychic takes advantage of Kim’s blood-alcohol content to convince her that her home contains a portal to another dimension. Yes. You read that correctly. Kim’s home is the real-life version of Poltergeist. Except they won’t need that face-peeling scene because there’s already been enough plastic surgery in that house, amirite?
Brandi is determined to make her Vegas “night out” party happen – even going as far as to call up Kyle the morning of the gallery opening to make sure everything’s okay between them. At the gallery, she makes everyone feel as awkward as humanly possible while inviting them – and succeeds! Everyone’s on board except Taylor. But nobody cares about Taylor, because guess who walks in the door? PARIS HILTON! But bummer, she can’t make it to girl’s weekend in Vegas because she will be in Brazil. At a concert. Her own concert. For your own sanity, do not Google this for more information.
At the end of the night, Mauricio tries to make peace with Ken by buying him gin. Ken isn’t having it, but in Mauricio’s defense, that totally would have worked on me. Lisa decides to drum up trouble by cryptically telling Mauricio that something’s wrong. But of course, we don’t find out what it is, because where’s the fun in that? Maybe we’ll find out next week in Vegas. Or maybe we’ll just see Brandi trying (and failing) to look sexy on a stripper pole. Yeah, that’s way more likely.
[Image Credit: Bravo]