‘Real Housewives of New York’ Recap: Butt Pirates

ALTAlright, I’m going to get right into it, because there is really only one thing I want to talk about today. Okay, there are two things I want to talk about, but the first one I want to talk about so badly that I can’t even finish this sentence without saying that Sonja Tremont Morgans, of the Lake Winnipesaukee Morgans, likes to take it up the butt. Yes, this is a real thing that happened on national television last night. This is a watershed moment, people. Anal is now on the table in reality TV. It’s just like in a relationship, when you give up the old stink eye once, you have to keep letting your man go back again and again as often as he wants. This is now true of the Real Housewives. The seventh seal has been broken and sodomy is not only a topic of conversation but a behavior that is documented and encouraged.

Of course we have “sex positive” Housewife Sonja Morgan to thank for this. I love this slut (and where I come from – the Meat Rack in Fire Island — slut is a term of endearment and a badge of honor). But what is doubly amazing is not only that Sonja got it where the sun don’t shine, she got it where the sun don’t shine from Tomas, the Johnny Deppelgänger that LuAnn may or may not have banged in last week’s episode.

Okay, on the subject of LuAnn and Tomas, I don’t know whether or not she went for a ride on his seven seas, but something fishy definitely went on. She absolutely took him back to the house, as Ramona’s relentless interrogation of him helped ascertain, but whether or not she got to find out the size of his wave or the motion of his ocean is up for debate. They could have just come home together and made out. They could have just played Parcheesi in the bunk house and showed off their bad tattoos (Countess Crackerjacks has a tramp stamp of a dolphin jumping over a music staff.) Ramona says that, “Balki [Bartakamous, LuAnn’s boyfriend] isn’t going to be very happy about this.” How do you know Ramona? How do any of us know? He might not care at all. They might have an open relationship and they’re allowed to sleep with whomever they want on vacation. After all, Balki is a foreigner and you know how none of them respect traditional marriage. That’s why we all need to elect someone who will keep them out of our country with their devilish and duplicitous ways. Romney for President, 2012!

Yes, Crackerjacks might have yo-ho-hoed on Tomas’ bottle of rum, and good for her if she did. She screwed a hot guy while on vacation. Who hasn’t done that? Well, most straight guys I imagine, but I doubt any of them are reading this recap anyway. If you are, wanna go on vacation? What is crazy is that LuAnn continues to spin her story about a group of Italians even after everyone has already figured out that it was Tomas’ plank she was walking the night before. Give it up, Lulu. (Oh, she already did!)

What we do know for sure is that Sonja T. Morgan let him in the back door. He showed up at their little party, which was just CJ’s French friend and Tomas, who appears to be a major Cougar chaser. Yes, he is a 30-year-old Johnny Depp wannabe who performs on a Disney Cruise and hits on all the MILFs so that they get up on their deck chairs and sing, “If you could see me now, out on a fun ship cruise.” Sonja was initially concerned that Tomas was “bee-sexual,” which means he only likes to have sex with winged insects that travel in swarms, but he was determined to prove that he wasn’t “bee-sexual.” He was 100 percent bona fide heterosexual, so he did the absolute straightest thing he could think of to prove his love of ladies. After some flirting, Tomas took Sonja down to her room and he poked her in the pooper.

The only reason we know this is because Carole told the world that is what happened. It might not be true (but it is) but when all the girls were on the yacht the next day, a rippling rumble came out of Sonja’s bikini bottoms and there was a strong gust that swept the hair of all the Housewives and Carole, the slight little thing that she is, was blown all the way to St. Kitts like she was some sort of hang glider. Yes, it was like Aeolus opened up his bag of winds and blew out a fart so powerful that it caused a tsunami in the Caribbean. But that wasn’t a fart. It was a buttqueef. It wasn’t gas that Sonja was experiencing, but all the air that Tomas pushed in there the night before, and when it came out, it smelled like stale lube and bad decisions, which has sort of a rosy smell to it actually, but one that still leaves a strange after taste in the back of your throat.

Okay, that was the first thing I wanted to talk about. Now we need to get to ¡Que Viva!