‘Real Housewives of New York’ Recap: Fake Leg Fall Down

Real Housewives of New York Recap

Guys, Sonja Tremont Morgan, who will once and forever be my favorite Real Bandercoot of New York Schnizzy, put her face in the bidet. OK, let’s back that up. Sonja T. Morgan put her face in a bidet. Here are all the reasons why this is crazy: 

1. She pronounces it “B day” as in the 24 hours after “A day.”

2. She approaches this as if it is something normal. It is not.

3. She approaches this as if it is something normal that she has done before, possibly on more than one occasion, which means that she has a bidet in her house (which is weird) or that this is something she does every time she stays in a hotel with a bidet (which is weird).

4. The real purpose of a bidet is to wash the poop out of your butt. Yes, poop and butts. That means that Sonja’s face is now basically covered in poop molecules. If you looked at her face under a microscope it would look like a swab of the subway platform after a bum peed on it and some sorority girl puked up six pomegranate martinis.

5. She doesn’t just wash her face in the bidet, she fills it with ice, then fills it with water and ices her face. Why does one need to ice one’s entire face in a context that has nothing to do with losing a boxing match?

6. Why do I want to try this? It does seem kind of fun. Except for the poop particles.

7. When LuAnn (or some other rational person) asks why Sonja doesn’t ice her face in the sink, she replies, “The B Day is deeper.” That actually makes a whole lot of sense.

As far as I am concerned, this is the only thing that happened on the women’s trip to London. In fact, it wasn’t a trip to London as much as it was a trip to a hotel with a bidet that Sonja Tremont Morgan put her face in. Sure, there was an excursion to play croakee, which is the Australian version of crouquet, and some BS about how Carole Radziwill is sick of the Countess always trying to one up her in conversation like one of the Kristin Wiig characters on SNL that people talk about (but I don’t watch that show because there is a severe lack of ice in bidets). That is a stupid manufactured fight. Well, sure it is annoying and my BFF 4Eva LYLAS Carole was totally right to be annoyed, but in the reel of Housewife fights, that is like when your boyfriend forgets to record something on the DVR even though you told him twice to tape it for you because you were getting home late from work and you want to see who got kicked off Glass House but then you get home and he’s passed out on the couch with MSNBC on and mustard on his shirt and there is nothing on the DVR except for all the episodes of Deadliest Catch that he will never get around to watching and Fried Green Tomatoes (Fried Green Tomatoes!!!) because he is some cultural illiterate who has never seen the second best movie of Kathy Bates’ career and taped it off HBO even though it is on demand and he can watch it there but no then you yell at him and he says sorry and goes back to bed. That is what this fight was like, except the Housewives would never eat mustard (all those calories!)

What else happened this episode? Eh, not much. I gotta say, I like these new Housewives (especially Carole) but I think the problem is that they are actual real interesting human beings with jobs and aspirations and real money. I think that makes for boring Housewives. Like, I would actually want to have dinner with Carole and Heather (if only to make fun of the way she talks) and even ¡Que Viva! (if only to make fun of her for being a Mexican soap opera). Everyone in New York is invited to my house for dinner. That makes them cool, but not really great TV. I think the best Housewives are kind of strivers, like the ones in ATL and OC or the ones that are so filthy rich that they’re using their wealth to cover up whole universes of darkness, like trying to stuff a black hole full of Benjamins. These new Housewives, well, they’re a little Snoozeville, to be honest.

I mean, look at ¡Que Viva! who is a Mexican soap opera but hasn’t really had one subplot worth mentioning. And then, at her own anniversary party, she falls down the steps on her fake leg and gets back up and makes a joke about it and handles it like a natural graceful human being. Where is the yelling and screaming? Where is the crying and accusing Sonja of being a bad friend for making her climb up stairs? Then, at the party, her husband Taco, who is completely lacking of spice or context, gets up and gives a speech and it’s nice and heartfelt and wonderful and he says, “When you fall, I feel the pain.” And we all go “Awwwwwww” like Stephanie Tanner just learned a lesson on Full House and they are like normal people. Not even funny, bitchy normal people like Bethenny or the one normal person in a catacomb of banshees like Brianna (on OC) but just like a bunch of normal people who are having a normal party at the Empire room.