There are two things that are synonymous with the Real Housewives franchise: fighting and branding. Why not unite the two and have a Real Housewives fighting game? We can call it Mortal Kollagen or Upper East Fighter II. Lord knows, these kitties love to scratch (whether we want to see it or not).
Here are the fights we’re treated to this week:
Ramona vs. Sonja
Ramona Singer, Eyelader Mistress of the Crazy Eye, is preparing a gift for her college-bound daugher Avery. Who doesn’t want a calendar featuring your mom and pictures of your dog in a dress? Sonja Morgan shows up and interrupts the shoot to fill in Ramona on her latest legal drama. She is desperately trying to save her house with a multitude of “businesses” including a French shirt company, department store deal, and the peddling of magic beans. She alternates between being a sexy cougar, a sloppy Sally, and a bizarre shut-in, especially when she feeds her dog water from her wine glass then drinks from it.
Later, at a party at Ramona’s Hampton home, she gives Sonja a glass of her new wine. Sonja winces and says it burns a little. Then Ramona calls Sonja’s burlesque act, which she didn’t see, raunchy. Sonja rationalizes that even Seinfeld gets raunchy. She gets bent out of shape because she doesn’t like her various businesses belittled when she’s condescending to attend this party.
Winner: Sonja. As ratchet as she can be in her normal life she was surprisingly lucid and sober. She also forced Ramona to apologize with a fake cry and a weird nose rub.
Kristen vs. Aviva
Kristen Taekman and Aviva Drescher bring their children for a playdate. Little children love decorating artisanal soaps, right? Kristen tries to lighten the mood by pretending a googly-eyed toy is Ramona which fails. Kristen has decided to put her foot down that she’s tired of being involved in this tired Bookgate storyline. Aviva asks her to quiet down and avoid hostility in front of the kids. Then without missing a beat says, “If you don’t want to be involved shut the f**k up.” Hypocrisy attack! But then Aviva tells Kristen not to be hypocritical. However, Kristen wins the fight when she says, “Everyone has said to me that you’re crazy and you’re showing that to me now.”
Winner: Kristen. Aviva needs an Ambien because she like this book drama are tired.
Kristen vs. Ramona
Kristen stops by Ramona’s place to play tennis but apparently she’s wearing the wrong shoes. Then Ramona literally shames the poor girl like this is a 1950s country club. Kristen and LuAnn desperate Lesseps try to convey to Ramona that its rude to not tell the host of the party you aren’t coming. Regardless of the teenage, mean girl drama, it’s rude. Ramona then starts yelling at Kristen.
Winner: Ramona. Kristen is a logical person. She will never understand the customs of the Ramona-coaster especially after she’s had a few too many dolls.
Ramona vs. Heather
Heather confronts Ramona directly about the party. Ramona’s response is to call Heather a hypocrite…but then says that she didn’t.
Winner: Heather. By now Ramona’s Pinot Grigio/doll/sizzurp combo has kicked in and she’s not lucid.
In fact, the shining light from all the negativity is Heather Thomson. She shares her heartfelt struggles with her son’s health issues. Her son Jax has major liver and lung issues, allergies, and hearing loss. She spends the episode waiting to find out if it can be solved with surgery. If Heather wasn’t constantly trying to be ghetto fabulous she could prove to America that she is the one in the cast who deserves a book deal. She has persevered through struggles to have a great life with a slamming body and a sexy husband. They turned making a sand castle into a PG-13 type of situation.
Carole vs. Aviva
Carole Radziwill is really losing in being “above it all.” She keeps forcing us to witness her “authoring.” We don’t need to watch her record her audiobook. This whole fight is redundant and the same mindless bickering we’ve heard all season. Then, Aviva pulls out an advanced press copy of Carole’s book and says she read it. They declare a détente and storm off.
Winner: The viewers! This storyline should be dead until the reunion.
LuAnn vs. Obscurity
LuAnn and her boyfriend Jaques, the love child of Balki Bartokomous and one of the Fraggles, got some decent screen time this episode. She played tennis with Ramona, sat on Carole’s foot, and got a verbal lashing from Sonja.
Winner: Sonja, for calling her LuMann.
Red Sonja’s Best Lines (with a Special Guest!)
“I just got screamed in my ear by Lu-Man… talk about a drag queen stuck in a woman’s body.” – Sonja
“Well, Sonjita, you could have been better. Yeah, I could have been richer. I could have married better. I could have gone to a better party today. I could have had better friends than you guys. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.” – Sonja
“You couldn’t handle a single day in my life, Singer.” – Sonja
“I always support you and talk about the highlights of your performances, not the flops.” – Sonja about LuAnn’s musical career
“Honey, the best cheaters are the ones that get away with it. In every sense of the word.” – Ramona’s husband Mario Singer