Sara Schaefer Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’: Bring on the Man Tears! (Season 9, Episode 1)

Credit: ABC; Sara Schaefer 

Emmy award-winning comedian Sara Schaefer, host of MTV’s late show Nikki & Sara Live, will be blogging The Bachelorette for all season long. 

If you’re like me, you’ve been watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette since the beginning. You can’t tear yourself away season after season because, like they tell us in school, it only takes one time to become addicted to cocaine. In this scenario, of course, cocaine is the word “journey,” and according to last night’s premiere of The Bachelorette, this season is gonna be some gooooood s**t. Sean’s fourth-place girlfriend Desiree Hartsock is going to be handing out roses this year and there are so many things to discuss I have decided to organize them in list form. (I wanted to do a PowerPoint but my editor tells me that won’t work.)

10 Things I’m Looking Forward To On This Season of The Bachelorette

1. Man Tears

According to the previews, in addition to some sexy, sexy fist fights, these guys are gonna cry some sweet, sweet man tears! And if they don’t produce full-on tears, they will put their heads down and rub their eyes and forehead to show how emotional this is. The heart? It shall be wrenched. 

2. Remembering Jonathan’s Love Tank

His time at the Bachelor mansion was short-lived, but Jonathan will stay vivid in my memories this season. This guy gets out of the limo and immediately asks Desiree to go to the fantasy suite. What fantasy suite? Aren’t those usually located on a resort in the tropics? Anyway, she declines, but Jonathan won’t be deterred. He repeatedly tries to get Desiree to go into this makeshift f**k room he’s set up. And he keeps talking about how his “love tank has not been depleted for years” and that his mom thinks he’s attractive. Hahahaha — that’s normal! He doesn’t want to wear Desiree’s skin as a bathrobe, at all. Hahahahaha…

Finally, Desiree makes him leave before even going to the rose ceremony — but that doesn’t mean Jonathan will soon be forgotten. I’m sure we’ll hear from him soon… when he gets arrested for “depleting his love tank” on an unsuspecting woman at the mall.

Credit: ABC/Kevin Foley

3. Hashtag Douchebag

Kasey is a self-proclaimed “social media expert.” But how can we be sure? Because he’s constantly using the word “hashtag,” naturally and organically during conversation! Examples from last night: “Hashtag I want a rose!” “Hashtag fantasy suite fail!”

Cool catchphrase, bro. Hashtag not. Hashtag good luck with that. Hashtag pack your bags. Hashtag okay, now I’m doing it. Hashtag sorry. Hashtag let’s move on. 

4. Finding Out What a “Drilling Fluid Engineer” Does, Other Than Go Topless

Zack, or as I like to call him, “the rich man’s Situation,” arrives topless to the mansion. He’s got abs and Desiree is impressed when he strips down to his briefs and jumps in the pool. Meanwhile, I am just really curious as to what a “drilling fluid engineer” does. Sounds highly sexual. I mean complicated. What? Hi. 

5. The Part When Desiree Realizes Ben Is a Weirdo for Using His Cute Son to Impress Her 

Um, how AMAZING would it have been if right after that tiny kid got out of the limo, Chris Hansen stepped in and revealed that we were just watching a really elaborate episode of Dateline NBC‘s “To Catch a Predator”? No? OK. Well, regardless, even though Desiree seemed to love that Ben brought his son, I found it highly suspicious. I imagine Ben whispering into his son’s ear before they got out, “Do NOT f**k this up for Daddy, you hear me?” And what was that explanation about the kid’s mother — that they were just friends who had a baby? Hmmmm. That sounds like BS. And according to the preview, Ben seems to cause a lot of trouble in the house so let’s just SEE.

6. Desiree’s Emotional Journey 

We know that Desiree is open to finding love. How do we know this? Because of a seven-outfit montage of her roller-skating, walking under a pier, sitting on the beach, and holding onto a railing while staring into the distance. We now know she’s ready to share her life with someone. And it won’t be easy. It will involve a lot of tears. And in the preview, we see that some MAJOR S**T is going to go down — there’s one shot of her curled up in a ball crying, saying, “This is the worst possible scenario.” Worst possible scenario? OMG JUAN PABLO GOT HER PREGNANT! Oh wait, no, oops, sorry — I forgot this is The Bachelorette, and the “worst possible scenario” usually involves one of the guys admitting he has a girlfriend back home or that he’s only in it for the fame. THE TERROR!!! But according to all the french kissing they show, I am guessing she gets back on her feet in no time. I just can’t wait for her brother to beat the piss out of whoever makes it to the end!

Credit: ABC/Rick Rowell

7. Finding Out Whose Girlfriend Shows Up

Awwwwww yeah! A girlfriend from the outside world shows up this season!!! HELL YES. That’s some primo Bachelorette drama right there. I’d like to thank the producers in advance for their crack team of investigators for uncovering this one.

8. The Triumphant Return of Diogo

Diogo was ROBBED!!!! He showed up in a SUIT OF ARMOR for chrissake. Do you know how heavy that is? He put it all on the line for you, Desiree, and you just threw it all away. I really hope they find a way to bring Diogo back. If not, I’m thinking he’s the next Bachelor??!!!? No? Oh well. Poor Diogo. We will remember you for the next few hours.  

9. Finding Out Who Did That Bizarre Dance

Can someone please tell me — who was the guy we saw doing that insanely weird dance (it looked like a combo of Elvis and an ’80s new wave move)? I couldn’t see his face and I must know his identity in order to continue on this season. And I need a GIF of that STAT.

10. The Candlescaping

I have to say, whoever is doing this year’s candlescaping on the show is doing a top notch job. Never before have I seen such beautiful arrangements of candles in and throughout the Bachelor compound. The mood has been set perfectly for the men to become vulnerable, open themselves to love, find out who is here for the right reasons, declare they’re not here to make friends, borrow Desiree for a moment, and ultimately, fall in love and spend the rest of their lives with this woman. THE MOOD HAS BEEN SET!

Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer’s reactions to the madness. 

Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy FallonBest Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser.

Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow on Twitter @Hollywood_com

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