Emmy award-winning comedian Sara Schaefer, host of MTV’s late show Nikki & Sara Live, will be blogging The Bachelorette for Hollywood.com all season long.
It’s week two and it’s time for our Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock to start completing her most important task: figuring out who is here for the right reasons… and who is here for the wrong reasons. Once she does that, she’ll know who is here for the fame and who is here to find love on a nationally televised dating show. It won’t be easy — when these men are alone with her, they will charm her with heart-wrenching 30-second stories about their rough childhood. But when Desiree is away, the men gather in small groups and the claws are comin’ out! So to help Desiree make sense of it all, I have laid out some simple questions she should ask to help uncover those ever elusive Reasons.
1. Does he have a struggle?
When he finally gets some alone time with you, does he launch into a succinct-yet-dramatic story about his drug-addicted mom, a terrible car accident, or a heartbreaking divorce? If so, this means he’s highly skilled at being vulnerable and, therefore, probably here for the right reasons.
2. Has he ever interrupted someone who is telling you about his battle with diabetes?
On last night’s episode, Ben, who had already received a rose, interrupted Desiree’s alone time with Michael G. just as Michael began to reveal his battle with juvenile diabetes. UH WHAT??? That is a very low blow, Ben. You don’t just casually break up a conversation about blood sugar levels. This, of course, did not sit well with any of the men, who had already begun circling Ben, accusing him of being here for the wrong reasons. Desiree may not be aware of the drama yet, but let’s hope she took the interruption as a tiny red flag: Ben may be crawling with wrong reasons!
3. Is he impressed with your elaborate bridge date?
Somehow, after an exhausting day of drawing her feelings, Desiree was able to set up a highly elaborate date on a random bridge. The lighting was purple, there were chandeliers hanging, and Andy Grammer was there performing with his band. Who is Andy Grammer? I’m not sure, but I am guessing Train wasn’t available. All of this after illegally hanging out on the Hollywood sign? Amazing! Brooks, the lucky man to receive this display, took that as his sign to get vulnerable and sexy (vulnerasexy). Any man who can pull off a vulnerasexy combo move is probably here for the right reasons.
4. Can he rap about being here for the right reasons?
This is probably the most important question you can ask a dozen men that you are simultaneously dating. Can. You. Guys. Rap? Desiree sets up a group date with Soulja Boy (because they are really old friends, of course), and they make a rap video about being on The Bachelorette. Each guy played the role of a former notoriously “wrong reasony” Bachelorette contestant. This isn’t going to be awkward at all! The beats were sick. The chorus (“Right reasons! Right reasons! I’m here for you girl for all the right reasons!”) is so tight that I am gonna go ahead and predict that this is going to be 2013’s summer jam. Never before have I been so proud to be a white person. Well done, you guys. I’m sure Desiree came away from this group date with a lot more insight about these guys’ intentions.
In conclusion, Desiree, in the weeks to come, these guys’ reasons for being here are going to surface. Some will be right, some will be wrong, but they’ll all be crazy.
Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer’s reactions to the madness.
Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser.