When we all started this season of Survivor I’m sure none of us thought that our beloved Blair from The Facts of Life would be lying face down in the mud with a giant wicker ball on top of her and one of the possible lesbians from Team Lesbian trying to soil her face with wet soil. (I guess that’s sort of appropriate considering the awful way Blair has treated homosexuals in the past.) But there she was, stuck in a challenge like an ant on a log, a pig in a blanket, or some other food item that is named after an animal.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. First we have to talk about Mike Skupin, because he has been scoopin’ (get it?!) rice out of the bag and eating it raw, thinking that it somehow cooks inside his body. Maybe he’s just like a bird and that is his birdseed chomp, chomp, chomping away. As a result, Team Blair is almost out of rice. What I’ve loved about this season is how much it’s like old-school Survivor. Instead of crazy twists and immunity idols, we’re sitting around and wondering if they’re going to run out of food. We’re fighting about rice. This is also the problem of a prosperous society. Team Blair has yet to lose a challenge which means they have yet to lose a member. In fact, they gained one when they played Dream Date and Malcolm materialized out of thin air and sashayed into camp. They never thought they would have to keep dividing rice between six people and now they are out.
They go into the challenge hungry and it’s a doozy of a challenge. Both teams are trying to roll what appears to be a giant ball of yarn made out of twigs and former Survivor castaways’ broken bones, and roll it through a mud pit into a goal. The first team to get three points wins. The problem is, the game quickly falls into a standstill. Even after sitting for an hour, when one castaway throws another one off, the others just hunker down and keep the ball in the same place. It’s stuck. Eventually Penner and Skupin do what any good Survivor does in such a situation and tries to bargain. Skupin says that Team Blair will give Team Lesbian the win if Team Lesbian gives them the rest of their rice. They take a poll of the other castaways and they’re all like, “If you really want to, but I don’t know if this is such a good idea.” This happens on both sides. But Skupin and Penner are so into it that they make the deal. Team Lesbian goes off for sandwiches and brownies and Team Blair gets another bag with a little bit of rice left in the bottom.
Back at camp, everyone on Team Blair is talking about what a crappy decision it was. Well, guess what guys, you could have stopped him from making it. You were all wishy washy and passive aggressive and, “Do whatever you want, Mike,” when you should have been aggressive aggressive and said, “No. Do not do this. This is a bad idea.” Artist is the only one who really spoke up, so he is excused but Abi let Mike make the decision so she has no reason to bitch. I think this seems like a pretty good idea. Why not have more food for the long run than one good meal one afternoon? It’s not like they were going to sit in the mud all afternoon. What is the big deal? And they got more rice! Team Lesbian has none. Penner says that he’s going to go fishing for the team, but he swims out on the ocean and shows up with two rusted silver dollars and is like, “Hey, look guys. This is fish,” and they’re like “No, it’s not fish. They are rusted silver dollars you found on the bottom of the ocean. Look,” and they bite into them and their teeth clang on the metal. So now they have no rice and no fish and everyone wants to die. Especially the lesbian known as Carter.
Then it’s time for the immunity challenge. Someone from each team launches balls in the air (haha, balls) and their teammates have to catch them. Whoever catches five balls first wins. Challenge, challenge, challenge; boring, boring, boring, Jeff makes it a point to call out Abi for sitting out once again (and good for her she said, “It’s not my choice” but bad for her she didn’t add, “So shut the hell up, Jeff”) and Katie for being awful. And Team Blair wins. Not counting their stalemate forfeiture, they are undefeated.
Back at Team Lesbian, it’s pretty obvious that they should kick out Katie because she sucks and because her pageant makeup still hasn’t washed off. But then Jeff and Katie start saying they should kick off Penner because they don’t trust him. Jeff breaks it down and says that in the game there are easy movies, like getting rid of Katie and big moves, like getting rid of Penner. He can’t decide which he wants to do. Speaking of which, lesbian Carter is just completely passive. He wouldn’t voice his decision about the rice swap, he won’t decide who to vote for, he’s just wandering through the game doing what everyone tells him to do and looking like he’s about three seconds from pooping in his board shorts. Then he asks Penner, “Who is it going to be tonight, Katie or Penner…I mean Katie or Denise.” I’m shocked Penner didn’t pick up on that. These people tend to go far because they’ll do whatever the leaders tell him to, but they never end up winning, not without making moves.
Speaking of making moves, Jeff talks a big game but wasn’t willing to make the move to get rid of Penner. It would have been really smart to do. Everyone knows a merge is coming and he can make it there, but then he’s going to have to fight against Penner when he gets there. He’s much likely to beat Jeff at a challenge than Katie ever is. I say he made the wrong choice. So, yeah, Katie went home and had mud all over her face, and she didn’t even go up against Blair.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: CBS]
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