I’m just going to say it: so far this season of How to Survive in Life Without Really Trying has been a huge snore. Well, not a huge snore, because we have Blair, my one and only Jesus-loving savior angel (and at this point the show is about as non-denominational as a guy in a white shirt and black tie ringing your doorbell with a book in his hand or some lady offering you a “free stress test” at a subway stop, so I’m going with the full-tilt boogie Jesus praising). I love Blair, and they’re trying to give her a little storyline, but the producers are grasping at straws. It’s because Team Ponytail keeps losing and had to send someone home again last night, and that does not make for very dramatic television. It also means we don’t get to know any of the other tribes, and that’s probably for the best.
Things on Team Blair are actually kind of insane, so I wish we saw more of them. The people on that team want to play really really badly. They’re like the member of a tag team duo that is standing outside the ring and jumping up and down, up and down for his partner to tag him while he is pinned down on the mat by some masked marauder, but he just can’t get into the ring, so he just flails around waiting for his chance to play. That’s what they are like. You have Abi and RC in the world’s worst alliance where all they do is bicker and doubt each other. Girls, it’s time to break up and consider some other options. Especially because Abi’s severe case of Bonkers, an actual diagnosed psychiatric condition, has not seemed to abate. She is running around, vicious and cunning as ever, complaining about twisting her knee while still dashing hither and yon looking for the hidden immunity idol, which she eventually found. Abi is playing real hard, y’all.
So is Chris, the chisel-chested warrior on Team Blair (who, sorry to say it, is still not as hot as my man lover Malcolm). He has Abi in his pocket and then he approached Blair about joining up with him and getting out Skupin. He also seems to genuinely like her and know she has no allies so will do as he says without question. She’s not so much his partner as his lackey. Everyone wants Skupin out, including this big black guy who I had totally forgotten about. He is mad at Skupin for diving into the water face first while wearing a mask and shattering the mask and cutting his face. On Scooby-Doo they always said Daphne was accident prone, and I would say the same thing about Skupin, but the accidents are always entirely preventable. He’s just dumb and dangerous and, I’m sorry, it’s no doubt that he fell into a fire and burned his hands off. It doesn’t seem to have made him any more cautious.
Over at Team Lesbian, everyone figured out that Penner has the immunity idol because one day there was some weird bull head thing on top of the rice bucket and the next day there was not and they’re like “Why is there no bull on the rice bucket?” and Penner is like, “It wasn’t an immunity idol, so I don’t know what it is. I don’t have it, and that’s no bull.” None of them believe him, so he confesses to Jeff, the pro baseball player, who has a shockingly bangin’ body for a 40-something year old (yes, I am only here to objectify the attractive men of reality television) and now these two are bosom buddies (which sounds like it would be something I would be into, but I am not). Jeff solidifies the deal with a four-fingered handshake. This a handshake where you extend your index finger so it is not a “manly” handshake and therefore means that the deal signed with said handshake does not count. First of all, that only works if the other person engaged in the handshake knows these arbitrary rules. Secondly, it assumes that everything manly is good. It is not. There is nothing good about getting pee all over the floor next to the toilet, farting at inopportune moments, or scratching your balls (whether you do it with four finger or five). Just remember that.
Onto the challenge (and not a moment too soon). Everyone has to swim out, go underwater, unhook these giant puzzle pieces, bring them back to shore, and solve a puzzle. Challenge, challenge, challenge, boring, boring, boring and Team Lesbian wins, Team Blair comes in second and that means, for the third week in a row, Team Ponytail is going to tribal council.
It’s clear that the choice is between Angie, a Lisa Frank sticker that has somehow miraculous come to life, or Russell. Angie is doing the smart thing, going to her boyfriend (and hopefully one day mine) Malcolm and his ally Denise and pleads her case. What does Russell do? He talks to Jesus. God, this show has been taken over by God. He sits there on the beach and he says, “God, let your will be done.” I’m sorry, this is exactly the wrong attitude for Survivor. I’m going to break it down for everyone right now God does not care about your reality show. There. I said it. He does not. He will not help you, he will not make you win, he will not make you lose. He has plopped you down on this here ball of mud and the rest of it you have to do for yourself. The only reality star he cares about is Kim Kardashian, and that is why she is doing fine and the rest of us are sitting at home being mean to her. Anyway, if Russell is not going to fight, he deserves to go home.
The he says that the team could decide to “make a big move” and “take out a strong player” by sending him home. OK, Russell is now completely delusional. Yes, he appears to be big and strong, but he has only been a destructive force at challenges and can’t get anything done. He has no alliance to speak of. He has already failed at this show once by getting too dehydrated to perform. He has absolutely no power whatsoever. He is the opposite of a strong player. Then he says that he is going to stand on the shoulders of his slave ancestors and fight to stay in the game. So, which is it? Let God decide who goes home or fight with the ghosts of the past like he’s Aragorn in Return of the King? Start making some damn sense, Russell!
Well, he belittles and attacks poor Angie at tribal council and it works and she goes home. Bye little girl. We all knew this was coming. I have nothing exciting to say about you at all. And now that Malcolm is minus a cuddle partner, I would like to nominate myself for rubbing our cold, half naked bodies together in the middle of the night. Only for warmth. That is all. At least the preview for next week makes it look like there is finally going to be an exciting moment. They better not be toying with us.
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[Photo Credit: AP Photo]