‘Survivor’ Recap: Nobody Likes Blair

ALTSometimes the editing on Survivor gives away exactly what is going to happen in an episode and sometimes it tries to obfuscate what is actually going to happen so we might think there is some suspense that isn’t really there. Last night it was one of those first kinds of episodes, especially because aAOIPHg woihgA OIOIoiw hegaoiwe hgoiejto iepoihIOA HOIGHaiopa wehgaiop Weehgopia. Did you get that last part? Oh, maybe not. I was speaking in tongues. I was taken over by the Lord.

It must be because the episode started off with our girl Roxy telling Team Ponytail that Malcolm, the gorgeous chiseled statue of a man that I want to be my leader had fallen for the booby trap that is Angie. Angie, in case you missed it, is a booby trap, a joke that Roxy will use four times, because aAIHGpoihda gawAiohewg pioehPOAIH pashopgwe booby trap. My Main Man Malcolm and Angie were all shacked up at night and cuddling because, as Angie put it, “She was so cold!” Yeah, right. The reason I would drape my limbs over the fine physical specimen that is known as Malcolm wouldn’t be because I was cold, it would be because he is hot. Just admit it. But they don’t want to seem like a couple, because couples are dangerous things, even this early in the game. There is nothing as bad as an unbreakable alliance. After all this talk about their relationship (and even Malcolm admitted that he couldn’t allow himself to get “booty blinded”) I knew that Team Ponytail was going to lose and Angie would be in danger of going home.

Now that I’m starting to write about it, I can’t help but remember what a boring episode this was. I blame the rain. For most of it, everyone was huddled in their shelters without anywhere to go and they were all together so they couldn’t talk smack about their tribemates or anything. Yawn.

Over at Team Blair, RC Cola found the immunity idol clue in the rice bag (only a week late, Team Blair) and immediately shared it with Abi. Alright, Dr. Moylan is going to diagnose Abi as having a serious case of Bonkers. This is a serious medical condition that seems to afflict people on reality television programs in disproportionate numbers. Soda and Abi formed an alliance as soon as they fell off the boat together and now they’re finding out that they’re not that compatible, mostly because Abi, as we have determined, is afflicted with Bonkers. Even though Soda shared her immunity clue with Abi, she is still jealous that Soda wants to pour herself all over Mike Skupin. So, she trusts Soda, but not really. I would not keep Abi around. Bonkers is a serious illness and it can be contagious in close quarters.

Speaking of Blair, she is not making any friends on Team Blair. In fact, as soon as she walks away they all laugh and joke about her and talk about how she’s probably off looking for the hidden immunity idol. Yeah, the only way she’s going to find that idol is if her tears wash away the soil it is buried under and it pops through the earth like a zombie fist out of the grave. Yes, Blair is going off to bawl. She says that she is really introverted unless she is playing a role and that she knows she as to work on her people skills, but this isn’t the time for that. Yes it is! There is a huge prize on the line. Get to work talking to some people, Blair. And if you can’t pull out some strength from inside, then pretend that you’re playing a role of a very energetic and outgoing person. You can do it.

Over at Team Lesbian, things are especially boring, because we never see anyone over there but Penner, who is determined to find the hidden immunity idol. He knows it’s at camp so he waits for everyone to leave and digs around like crazy for it, even almost getting caught once. Then, he finally deduces what anyone who saw the crate the rice came in knew right away: that giant bulbous thing on the top of it is the hidden immunity idol, hidden in plain sight. Yup, we were right. Now Penner has one. Great.

Is it time for the challenge? Oh good, because all this sitting in the rain was getting dreary. At the challenge in teams of two each tribe has to pull a sled across the sand and pick up some tiles and then run back with them. Then, once they get all the tiles, they have to use them to solve three puzzles. Whoever solves first wins! Challenge, challenge, challenge, boring, boring, boring, and Team Blair pulls out a victory. Team Lesbian comes in second. Which means, as predicted by the editing at the top of the show, Team Ponytail is going to tribal council for the second time.

Back at camp, it’s going to be either Roxy or Angie and Roxy is all Asifhaoip shgvsaoid pghvaOPIshg voIPAEHgvoi AHgpiHEgvpoi hjdgvh God Save me. OK, I have a grievance with Survivor. When did it get so Jesusy? In recent seasons it seems like we have more and more outspoken and very vocal Christian contestants (remember when Coach kept making everyone get in a prayer circle or that blonde Jesus missionary who kicked butt on Redemption Island?). Now not only do we have Blair, who has a red phone where she talks directly to God, but there is Roxy, a seminary student who speaks in tongues. It’s just getting to be too much. Denise is my new favorite player because she was all, “If I want to win, I’m not praying to God to let me win, I’m gonna go out there and work and let me win.” Thank you Denise. I also love that there’s “something about Roxy” that she doesn’t like. She doesn’t like that Roxy is all about Jesus, and I gotta say, I’m with her on this.

But Roxy does work really hard to stay in the game, going around telling everyone that will listen that they have to break up my imaginary boyfriend Malcolm and that harlot Angie who is, if you didn’t get this before, a booby trap. Angie, who has boobies that are trapped, she is not doing much. She’s kind of bouncing around and talking to Malcolm and rubbing her buxom body all over his firm chest and flat stomach and running her hands through his dreamy long hair and squeezing his buttocks. OK, she’s not really, but I wish I was.

They go to tribal council and they face Jeff Probst, who is the arbiter and defender of “Proper Survivor Play.” Probst as a host is really starting to piss me off. He thinks that there is only one way to play this game (by giving it your all) and only one appropriate reaction to everything that happens and if the players don’t react the only way he deems fit, he yells at them. For instance, when he asks Angie what she would change about about her tribe she says, “That we could get cookies!” First of all, Probsty, this is a joke. That you don’t get that this is a joke just shows what a sincere square you are. Secondly, who cares if that is her answer? Everyone in the tribe knows this is ridiculous and they’re going to process that information however they see fit and act accordingly. Don’t try to press them into a decision of your making. You are supposed to be an impartial person who expedites the action, you are not supposed to tell us what is right and what is wrong and whether or not we should have a damn sweet. Thirdly, and there is a thirdly, if you were sitting in the rain for a week with nothing to eat but rice and mud pies, you’d probably want a God damned (sorry Roxy) cookie too.

Everyone decides to get rid of Roxy, probably because she didn’t want to participate in the challenge because she didn’t have enough water and didn’t really try, but Denise and I are going to pretend that it was because of Jesus. Malcolm and Angie went back to camp and cuddle and she squeezed him just a little bit closer that night, knowing that it was this strapping Paul Bunyon that kept her safe.

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: CBS]


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