7:30 (SM) – Best accessories seen so far: Amy Adams giant flower, Justin Bieber’s purple glasses, and January Jones’s cleavage.
7:32 (SM) – I’ve never seen someone try to get away from Robert Pattinson like that.
7:34 (HL) – WHY ARE THESE BITCHES SO SKINNY. And Sam, did you hear that Mila Kunis prepared for this ceremony by getting a diamond facial that was worth $7,000?
7:35 (SM) – No, I didn’t. Sofia Vergara was on television explaining her boyfriend’s proposed policy changes. Or something.
7:39 (SM) – And the Jets win! They won by several home runs apparently.
7:40 (HL) – SAM. WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THE JETS. THIS IS THE GOLDEN GLOBES. Football players always have their penises out nowadays. Nobody cares. Have you been watching Ryan Seacrest’s coverage of this? It’s stellar.
7:43 (SM) – I was just taking care of the other half of the demographic! Russ wouldn’t let me change it to Seacrest’s coverage. He started barking. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s dress looks like its made to collect water on her chest.
7:45 (HL) – Yeah, but have you seen Scarlett Johansson? She always does that thing with her hair that makes her look like she came out of a wind tunnel and it’s so unnecessary, because it’s not like she’s fucking Ryan Reynolds in limos anymore.
7:48 (SM) – Of course I have seen Scarlett JoHansson. And you think she’s not going crazy after getting divorced? She’s like the ultimate cougar in training. Ooh, old guy getting in the way of Anne Hathaway’s interview. Classic.
7:52 (HL) – Yeah, I saw that. I also saw how it led to Carson Daly and I was disappointed. I’m supposed to ask you what you think of Michelle Williams’ boycut.
7:54 (SM) – It’s fine. I mean, of course I’d rather have her back in The Baxter haircut, but whatever. Though I do prefer Emma Watson’s, but that’s obvious. I’m just enjoying how this British lady does NOT handle live TV well AT ALL.
7:56 (HL) – Have you figured out yet that we’ll be doing this for three hours?
7:57 (SM) – I’ll come to grips with it at the bottom of this bottle.
7:58 (HL) – SAM. WE ARE SO SIMILAR. That’s how I got through the Emmys, and IT’S STARTING. NOW! IN 4 SECONDS!
8:00 (SM) – RICKY GERVAAAAAAAAAAAIS!
8:01 (HL) – I do a really great Ricky Gervais impression, I learned this weekend. I just woke up one morning and I just became him. DID YOU HEAR THAT TOURIST DIG??!?!? HE’S SO MONEY HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IT.
8:02 (SM) – I want to play checkers on his jacket. So you woke up this morning looking like a pug? Congrats.
8:03 (HL) – I must be too drunk to see how you could play checkers on his jacket. Did you hear that scientology joke? Is that capitalized? Great, more about LOST. You know Danny’s squealing all the way out in Queens.
8:06 (SM) – I heard Danny. Or that was him playing with his cat. Russ just said he had a chance with Scarlett Johansson. I didn’t have the heart to have the talk with him. And Christian Bale wins for looking like Kermit.
8:07 (HL) – Was he better than Renner though? Little Renner? I’m not sure. Bale just enjoys the benefits of forgoing food.
8:08 (SM) – I really wish Bale would do an acceptance speech as Batman. Glad to see LL Cool J is still relevant.
8:10 (HL) – Who is Katie Sagal? At least she said her husband’s name. Bale didn’t even say his wife’s name! It’s so important. And first commercial break. What are you going to do?
8:14 (SM) – THAT WAS PEGGY BUNDY! I’m trying to develop an algorithm to figure out how they organize these awards. Supporting drama actor to supporting drama actress on tv? Well, I guess that makes kind of sense. What’re you doing?
8:17 (HL) Oh. Well. I was going to spend some time thinking about how most of Natalie Portman’s movies that are about to be out were made, like, a while ago. Also, I took a moment to learn who Ms. Golden Globe was. You KNOW they consciously made it “Ms. Golden Globe” and not “Ms. Golden Globes.”
8:21 (SM) – Cause Sofia Vergara woulda won that one! Heyo joke from 3 years ago! What song would you rather them play over long going speeches? I’m gonna go for some Ludacris.
8:22 (HL) – Nah man. I’d play this.
8:25 (SM) – DAMMIT WHY DID KURT WIN????? SCOTT CAAN WAS ROBBED!!!!!
8:25 (HL) – Wow, you are wrong. Caan is shorter than Guliana Rancic, which means he doesn’t even deserve the peanut shells that elephants step on to get the peanuts out.
8: 29 (SM) – Oh whatever. You’re could use a peanut shell as a lofted apartment if you wanted to. SELF PROMO TIME – even more hilarious commentary on twitter @samroebuck. Hannah doesn’t have one. If she says otherwise, she is lying.
8:30 (HL) – You are a whore. I do have a twitter, and it’s @hjoneslawrence. Everyone, follow Sam if you’re interested in learning how to carbonate water and use poisonous mushrooms as parachutes.
8:33 (SM) – Follow Hannah for all your Doctor Who news lovers out there. Wow, the HFPA president sounds like a guy about to get one of those throat cancer robot voicer things. Wow, I really need google.
8:34 (HL) – Steve Buscemi for Boardwalk Empire. I guess Hamm will always get to wake up Hamm, so they’re always going to keep snubbing him.
8:37 (SM) – I was told to say that was Horseshit with Buscemi winning for another beer, so there we go.
8:39 (HL) – Commercial! Are we going to get another glimpse of Portman’s belly, do you think?
8:42 (SM) – I’d imagine so. Fingers crossed for an Alien bursting out during her acceptance speech!
8:43 (HL) – How can that not happen? I really hope The Social Network wins. Like, I really hope so. Even though nobody talks like that and Jesse Eisenberg is currently growing a goatee.
8:47 (SM) – Nope. Burlesque is going to win.
8:47 (HL) – NICE CALL, SAM? Did you see Bill Hader’s impression of Cher last night on SNL?
8:49 (SM) – And in my Nikki Finke impression – “TOLDJA!” Wow, Trent Reznor is just up there with Three Six Mafia.
8:50 (HL) – What do you think it’s like to be married to Robert Downey Jr.? Like, do you dream about being married to someone else?
8:52 (SM) – I think it would be like being married to ScarJo. You just wake up and giggle. But RDJ’s wife is a big time producer. I’d imagine they’re on the same level of badassness.
8:55 (HL) – Yeah, I suppose. All I know is he threw his drugs into the ocean after she told him to. I really hope Toy Story 3 wins so the three days I spent in the hospital for dehydration weren’t a waste.
8:57 (SM) – I’m just going to go ahead and say it – I enjoyed Dragons and little more than Toys 3. And you know they sell drinks at the movies right? You can buy drinks there. You don’t have to starve yourself. Oh, I see, from crying. Wuss. I didn’t cray. At all. I mean, maybe. Whatever. Oooh RDJ you handsome man.
9:01 (HL) – Oh man. I got so scared. RDJ said “An” and I thought it meant Angelina Jolie won for The Tourist. But she didn’t! Annette Benning did! Praise Hanukkah gelt. And what’s with her hair though? Why does she look like Tim Burton?
9:06 (SM) – I just want to know how RDJ can make asking 5 different people to have sex with him charming and I can only make it look desperate. HOW DOES HE DO IT?
9:07 (HL) – He doesn’t reward them with slave money.
9:09 (SM) – HEARSAY!
9:09 (HL) – Yeah, Sylvester Stallone saying The Fighter is an extraordinary movie is QUITE the endorsement.
9:12 (SM) – TILDA SWINTON!!! AHHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP! Sylvester Stallone endorsing The Fighter is like Jodi Sweetin endorsing meth.
9:14 (HL) – You know, Al Pacino is great. I’m glad he won for You Don’t Know Jack. He’s very talented but I get the feeling no matter how many times you tell him, he’ll never learn or remember how to make oatmeal. WAIT. J LOVE HEWITT WAS NOMINATED FOR A LIFETIME MOVIE? THE ONE WHERE SHE PLAYED A “MASSEUSE” AND SNORTED COKE OFF OF OLD MAN BALLS?
9:18 (SM) – You actually watched that? Good for you, your tolerance for pain is incredible. And the Full Retard effect is in full swing with Claire Danes’ win. Ben Stiller is a prophet.
9:21 (HL) – I watch all Lifetime movies so I know the proper window treatments to buy so men with telescopes can’t peer into my apartment.
9:23 (SM) – Russ just sighed in defeat. Ugh, everything I hate about the movies – Zac Efron and The Kids Are Alright. Thanks Ricky Gervais for clearing it up and really bringing up the elephant in the room about Steve Carell leaving. I hope he walks out of the office for the last time with a huge TWSS.
9:26 (HL) – Aaron Sorkin for the win! I think this was pretty obvious. But why is he standing up there and talking about being elite? AS IF WE DIDN’T KNOW THAT HE’S ELITE ALREADY. HE WROTE A MOVIE ABOUT HARVARD STUDENTS BEING SO SMART THEIR BRAINS ARE TOO BUSY COMPUTING ALGORITHMS TO PROCESS THE PAIN OF WEARING ADDIDAS SANDALS IN SNOW.
9:29 (SM) – I was going to say something about the marvel universe imploding but then Sofia Vergara’s massive cleavage came onscreen. Ooh Jane Lynch! Thanks ADD!
9:35 (HL) – I love Olivia Munn’s dress. Do you like the way Robert Pattinson looks?
9:37 (SM) – I’ll be honest, RPatz looks pretty good in the slim suit and oh snap! You mean Olivia Wilde. BOOM – roasted. And again you should be following me on twitter at @samroebuck. I like to imagine Helen Mirren as she is walking out, looks at all these younger women in the audience and goes “man, I really have to fart.”
9:47 (HL) OH man I did get the wrong Olivia! But who cares. Not me! I don’t care. Jane Fonda? Jane Fonda’s back? I was actually in someone’s apartment this weekend and they had a huge picture of her mugshot in their living room. Do you think she really supports Cher? I don’t.
9:48 (SM) – I have no idea who these presenters are and OH MY FUCKING GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? BIG BANG THEORY AGAIN??! FUCK THIS SHIT! YOU DON’T GIVE IT STEVE CARELL IN HIS LAST YEAR???
9:49 (HL) – Yeah, this is ridiculous. I have no words. I ALSO HAVE NO WORDS FOR MELISSA LEO WINNING FOR THE FIGHTER. I walked out of that movie and hated her so much that I wished I don’t even know what but I just hate her because she’s like really religious, right?
9:52 (SM) – She must not be that religious to spend a few hours in a hotel room for a part, if you know what I mean bada bing! Ooooh, new .gif! Helena Bonham Carter’s look of “What the fuck is this lady talking about?”
9:54 (HL) – Also, Amy Adams made a face that was like, “I really wouldn’t have worked so hard to nail the ugliest accent in the universe if I thought I would lose to you.”
9:56 (SM) – I guess this is the time to admit that I still haven’t seen The Fighter. Whoops. God, I’m still upset about Jim Parsons winning. Well, not so much him winning. But Eric’s gloats Tuesday in the office. “Ohhh, Big Bang Theory, blah blah blah Golden Globes.” And the only response I have for him is to show him better shows.
9:58 (HL) – While Robert De Niro is winning the lifetime achievement award, let’s plan out how we’re going to finally get Eric to shut up about The Big Bang Theory. How should we proceed?
10:01 (SM) – We make him an offer he can’t refuse. Or duct tape. Or we let him grow up and realize, ITS NOT A GOOD SHOW. Like a baby losing interest in the shiny new toy he got. Where is De Niro’s role in Little Fockers? What Just Happened? They missed so many!
10:04 (HL) – YES! I agree! Shark Tale, Stone, Hide and Seek — all snubbed! ALSO, WHAT IS HE DOING UP THERE TALKING ABOUT HOMELAND SECURITY AND MEGAN FOX? Is he doing stand-up? Is he really doing stand-up? Why? He just won an award! Why is he suddenly all chatty! If I close my eyes it’s like Jay Leno’s up there!
10:07 (SM) – Just let him talk. He came all the way out there for this and lets just humor him. Wow, Harry’s Law? Really? Oh wait, Parks and Rec returns. That’s all I care about. YOU HEAR THAT ERIC? GOOD COMEDY RETURNS THIS WEEK.
10:11 (HL) – Megan Fox introducing The Tourist was the greatest thing. OKAY BITCH HERE WE GO: BEST DIRECTOR is….DAVID FINCHER.
10:16 (SM) – I mean, did we really think it would be anyone else? I’m still upset that Edgar Wright wasn’t even nominated. That was some serious directing right there. And holy hell January Jones is back! TV Comedy? Ok, this better be good!
10:18 (SM) – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME GLEE?!?!?!?!
10:19 (HL) – GLEE! AWESOME! Not really. Their success is setting us back almost as much as Palin would if she were elected president.
10:21 (SM) – Aaaaand here come the angry comments! Thanks Hannah! I’m just saying that ham sandwich is funnier than Glee. How does Community get snubbed? HOW????
10:22 (HL) – I’m going to go ahead and say I wasn’t obsessed with Black Swan. It wasn’t incredible. It was actually really fucked up…kind of like a student film, actually.
10:25 (SM) – If beavers could talk I think they would sound like Paul Giamatti.
10:27 (HL) – Did you hear him go off on how great the chocolates on the table were? What a fatty! Also, where’s Ricky Gervais? Do you think his comments about the HFPA’s head honcho got him escorted out of the building? And also, do you think that since he’s British, he’s wearing those things under his pants that hold up socks?
10:29 (SM) – I know you don’t care about stuff like this, but watching Rex Ryan run is hilarious. Funnier than Glee anyway. Gervais is probably saving his best stuff for later. And if you watched Doctor Who you would know what those things are called! Learn your British stuff! And what the hell? This Green Hornet trailer is awesome. Why did they not show this earlier?
10:32 (HL) – I do not watch Doctor Who because I am proud to be an American, and, unlike you, I do not live in America to give secrets to the British because that is treason and unacceptable and punishable by anything and everything. I have no clue why you enjoy betraying your own country so much with a show where alien creatures have their brains outside their heads.
10:35 (SM) – Blah, blah, blah, I don’t like culture. And why didn’t people MOVE OUT OF THE WAY FOR THE PREGNANT WINNER?!?!
10:36 (HL) – UGH, DOES THIS MEAN SHE’S NOT GOING AWAY NOW? SO WHAT, seriously. She stopped eating and danced a lot. The entire upper east side does that.
10:38 (SM) – And the other is Tim Allen. Now for the biggest joke award! Way to go Golden Globes for making a comedy award a joke.
10:39 (SM) – Apparently lesbian struggles are comedic! Thanks HFPA!
10:41 (HL) – No sir, that movie was great. But I see what you mean. Just so I know you’re on the same page as me, do you realize how much more you’re going to have to write about Portman now?
10:44 (SM) – Eh, I’d rather write about her than New Year’s Eve or Zookeeper or anything involving someone ‘optioning’ something.
10:46 (HL) – Please Colin Firth! Please Colin Firth! COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLIN FIRRRRTH!
10:49 (SM) – The only way he would be more charming is if he delivered this speech in broken Portuguese.
10:50 (HL) – You are so right. NOW. We agree The Social Network should win best picture, yes?
10:51 (SM) – Oh, without a doubt. It was either that or Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World for me. Also, I saw Tiny Furniture last night. It was weird. Its such an NYC movie that these douches behind me kept laughing like it was THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD. It was funny, don’t get me wrong, but these idiots were like “we’re so hip we understand all these references!”
10:54 (HL) – That’s a nice standing ovation for Michael Douglas. And TSN wins! Thank God. I would not have been happy with anyone else. Why is Scott Rudin thanking Zuckerberg? It’s not like he created Facebook for him.
10:57 (SM) – I mean, who is he going to thank? Tom from Myspace? Oh Ricky Gervais, nice little atheist gag right at the end. How I love that little man.
10:59 (HL) – Well that’s the show! I hope you’ve enjoyed these three hours as much as I’ve enjoyed pointing a telescope at Portman’s belly. Thanks to Sam for joining me this evening and for only once referencing Doctor Who because he knows I don’t give a shit about that show.
11:01 (SM) – Oh whatever, I’m gonna go watch it now. Don’t listen to Hannah. She watches cat videos.
11:02 (HL) – Yeah.