‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Brad Hands Out the Final Rose

Last night was the season finale of The Bachelor, where Emily and Chantal met up with Brad and his family in Cape Town, South Africa. It was the episode meant to reward us for suffering through all the pool parties that were attended by more back tattoos and neon bikinis than actual people. But in all honesty, these episodes where the two remaining ladies or gentlemen meet the Bachelor or Bachelorette’s family are always pointless. How can Brad’s family be expected to have opinions on girls just met while they were drinking alcohol? It’s absurd. But even if Brad’s family did find something wrong with one of the girls, would they tell him? NO, because what matters to a parent or is if their kid is happy, even if it’s with the girl who always wears purple. It’s wrong for these final episodes to be billed as having such importance because Brad already proved he doesn’t care what anybody thinks, as evidenced by his choice go on a television show that not only has such a tremendously low success rate, but ONE THAT HAD FAILED HIM THE FIRST TIME HE WAS ON IT. So why on earth would Brad suddenly want advice from people he doesn’t even live with anymore? It just doesn’t make sense, especially since he spent the whole season making decisions on his own. The idea that his mom and brothers walk in and we’re all supposed to worry which girl they’re going to disapprove of is ridiculous because not only has that never happened in the history of this show, but the only person Brad has been listening to this whole season has been himself. And so it’s wrong for producers to try and suggest that Brad needs help in completing this process. BUT WHO DID HE PICK, RIGHT? We’ll I’ll tell you.

“We grabbed our wine and GO, you know?” –Chantal

After Brad cried in happiness at the sight of his brother and pushed wayyyyy too hard on the balcony AND WE LEARNED THAT BRAD’S TWIN BROTHER’S NAME IS CHAD, Chantal arrived and told everyone that she fell in love when she and Brad were in Costa Rica and it started raining. She told his family that she’d been married before, so when the weather ruined their picnic and forced them to grab their alcoholic beverages and trek back into the hotel room and just hang out, she knew Brad was the one for her. Brad’s family was quite taken with how outgoing and how Chantal was, which is truthfully one of her best qualities. But sometimes, she borders on being a pushy bitch when she says things like “he better marry me.” Then the Womacks met Emily, who they noticed was significantly more shy and withdrawn. But once Brad told his family of Emily’s daughter and how her fiancé had died in a plane crash, they were completely blown away by her strength and perseverance. Emily even made Brad’s mother cry when she told her that Brad was her angel.

“The wildlife is unbelievable. We’re just being ourselves.” –Chantal

After Emily and Chantal met Brad’s parents, Brad took Chantal out on a boat where she continued to be the only one remarking about the wildlife. Brad told her they were going to go swimming with sharks, so she slipped into her wetsuit but maintained she would never swim with sharks for anyone else and that it was a testament to her love for Brad. This probably made Brad uneasy, because if there were no sharks around, how was Chantal going to prove his love for him? It would be impossible! Brad took that into consideration. So they got in a little cage that was filled with bloodied water from some cow carcass, and spent about two minutes underwater, since there’s nowhere that says in order to be able to say you have swam with sharks, it has to be for 10 minutes. Then they got back up onto the boat and drank champagne to reward themselves for successfully being surrounded by steel because there weren’t enough sharks for them to toast to being surrounded by sharks. It suddenly became clear that Brad is much more romantic with Emily, whereas he treats Chantal like his sister. This became even clearer when later that night, Chantal gave Brad a letter that explained how she loved him and how she wanted him to say it back to her. But Brad simply rolled it up and put it in his pocket and left. This clearly devastated Chantal, and it was obvious that she was uncomfortable with how she’d told him she loved him but he didn’t say it back.

“I know you say you want kids, but have you thought, like really really sat and thought, about that?” –Emily

The next day, Brad spent some time with Emily on the edge of a cliff and Emily didn’t realize that the particular spot they were sitting in probably wasn’t the best location to ask Brad how he felt about raising some other guy’s kid. To her credit, she was just looking out for her daughter and trying to figure out if Brad wanted something he’s truly not ready for. But it rubbed Brad completely the wrong way. That night, Brad tried harder to tell Emily that he was ready for glued fingers and tree sap in his mancave and fingers stuck in beer bottles, but Emily really wasn’t having it. He asked for the chance to love Emily and her daughter together, and Emily went right back to saying that a sick five-year-old totally blows, and shoving medicine down her throat is not going to be as fun as gluing pieces of macaroni onto doorknobs. This discouraged Brad tremendously because it didn’t seem like Emily understood that he really did want to be involved. Once she had officially shut him down and he began to sweat with what he identified in himself to be anger, he decided to leave.

“I have stronger feelings for someone else.” –Brad

After watching everyone get ready and do their own makeup, Brad met Chantal in the middle of some pasture and told her that he had stronger feelings for Emily. To validate Chantal’s existence, he said he always felt a connection to her and particularly valued how she was so open with him the entire time about her feelings. However, she should have known this was coming, because she told Brad she loved him several times and he did NOT ONCE say it back to her – not even when she made a map of the world that chronicled where they had their first laugh, their first hug, their first kiss, and their first accidental insult. Chantal even told Brad’s family that she loved him, and Brad kind of just let it slide without asking any questions, much like you do when a cat likes to eat cardboard but never gets sick.