‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Home Is Where The Boring Is

Sean Lowe and Desiree of ABC's 'The Bachelor'

Have you ever anticipated something to be a bounty of unbridled drama and escapism, only to find yourself exhausted by the mere act of paying attention? 

Welcome to Monday’s episode of The Bachelor. Tonight, abdominal warrior Sean Lowe went home with each of his top four ladies (Desiree, A$hLeE, Catherine, and whatsername) to meet the families and get to know a bit more about the broads he’s hoping to bed (but only after marriage, at least, that’s what I’ve heard, allegedly). Now I get why they kept Tierrable on so long: she was a distraction for how boring the show. Whatever. Different strokes —or rather no strokes at all! Zing! — For different folks. Let’s get down to business.

AshLee’s Hometown Date

You know, I really felt like by seeing AshLee at home in her element, it was helping me let go of my abandonment issues. Ha! Just kidding! AshLee sure did seem to take metaphorical leaps towards overcoming her perma-discussed issues with every word. Which, of course means that AshLee is probably going to get hurt. Not today, but soon. Either next week or at the altar, for sure. She IS Sean Lowe in female form, but with a sob story. So it seems like she’s everything ABC could ever want, right?

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Which! You know, seems very convenient for AshLee. The whole date felt like ABC was trying to force-feed us AshLee so to see if we, the viewing audience, would approve of her as the next Bachelorette. Now let me stop you right here, ABC: NO. STOP. DO NOT WANT. We do not want AshLee The Bachelorette. America is tired of these perfection monsters — some of us want a normal f**king human whose sense of self and values weren’t written by a burning bush before everyone realized that the world wasn’t flat. We’ve had enough of these perfect, blonde all-American, über-religious types looking for love. This is not Christian Mingle the TV Show (though at this point it might as well be)! This is The Bachelor! We want someone who’s willing to make mistakes and risk looking like an idiot for the public’s enjoyment (and also because “the process works!” or love or something). I don’t know, maybe someone who isn’t some chaste humanoid parroting the ways of dating like a grandparent. This is 2013, not 1913. Please don’t give us AshLee the Bachelorette, ABC. Please. I don’t ask for much, just give me this. Besides, I bet if you ask Chris Harrison, he wouldn’t like it either.

Anys**t, we’re in Dallas and AshLee’s parents are Texans! Her dad is a pastor! With strong family values! Gee willikers this doesn’t sound like…so many of the other people that have been on this show before, huh? I’m starting to feel like NZK Productions might be a secret propaganda machine for the homogenization of America. Yawn. Anyway AshLee talks about her abandonment issues and how Sean Lowe is The Only Man [Of This Earth] For Her. She truly believes “he’s going to be the man to protect my heart.” Which, if she’s looking for someone to guard and protect her heart she should’ve just looked up Kasey on Facebook or something. He’s into that sort of thing. Anyway, her parents seem very sweet and obviously care a lot about her in a sort of smothering way, but it seems like that’s exactly the sort of thing that girl needed. Abandon ship! Abandon ship! (Just kidding, AshLee.)

Catherine’s Hometown Date

Catherine is the only one of these girls I can stand even a little. She seems so far to be the normalest of the pack, and I think, just might end up winning the whole shebang. The two are pretty playful and fun together (catchin’ fish in Seattle’s fish market, sticking bubble gum on walls, taking silly pictures), but Catherine’s sisters are quick to tell Sean that’s her MO. You see, Catherine’s family is one of those totally rare groups of people who believe that the process DOESN’T work (cue gasps of horror), and they’re hella skeptical of the duo’s relationship. To the point that, after meeting her family, Sean’s suddenly unsure of Catherine.

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You see Catherine is a modern woman who has dreams and wants someone to support her dreams. (The horror! The horror! A woman with aspirations! Such an unattractive quality.) Apparently that freaks Sean out? He likes his ladies a bit more…domesticated? (Is that a nice enough way to say that Sean’s stuck in the 19-f**king-50s right now? Yes/no/maybe?) Later when talking to Chris Harrison about her, Sean says Catherine is “very independent” which is Sean Code for “terrifying feminist demon vaginamonster” who won’t put up with antiquated gender roles. And Sean? Well Sean seems to err on the side of wanting a wee housewifey and he’s afraid she won’t be obedient enough. I mean, sure, this is all just subtext from his ridiculous conversation with Harrison, but at this point I’m just assuming that it’s in the notorious g.o.d.’s hands and this is what we’re supposed to glean from it all. Right?

Anyway, Catherine’s sisters don’t think she wants kids right away, and she has “extreme mood swings” which may or may not mean that Catherine is secretly She-Hulk (though hopefully not this She-Hulk). Her mom won’t give Sean her blessing to ask Catherine to marry him, either. So basically Sean’s feelin’ like the whole day was a wash. Time to go home and pray it out, my dude.

Lindsay’s Hometown Date

That’s her name, you guys! Did you forget, too? Because I forget every time. I forget she’s still even on this damn show, and when she shows up I’m very Bluth-ian in my “…her?” She seems like a really nice 17-year-old. Someone I would definitely let babysit my hypothetical and not-at-all-real children (don’t worry, gram! I’d let you know if I was with-child before I told the Internet), knowing she’s take care of them and also maybe give them a treat before bed that was “our little secret.” I’d probably even pay her a little extra, because the kids, man, they just love her! Can’t get enough. Perhaps the most hilarious moment came when Lindsay’s mom, during her on-camera interview said “I just did not expect Lindsay and Sean to be where they’re at now.” Which, HA! Neither did we, Mom. Neither did we. Anyway this date was especially slow (there was a lot of cutesy army stuff because her dad’s a four-star general in the army), plus there’s just no way Sean’s going to end up with this girl. Right? She’ll make it to the top two, I’m sure, but I don’t believe she’ll win. She’s like a mainstream Zooey Deschanel, and nobody wants that.

Desiree’s Hometown Date

Desiree. Oh Desiree. Homegirl was totally in my top two there up until we saw previews for this episode. Then I knew it was over. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet. First, Desiree and Sean go on a hike — because in the 10 months I’ve lived in Los Angeles, this much I can tell you: 90% of its inhabitants spend 45% of their time hiking. It’s science. LA motherf**kers love a hike. Hiking is actually the only time most Angelenos actually walk anywhere, since, you know, walking city streets is the worst. People in LA don’t understand walking unless it’s on a big dusty hill. Otherwise it’s all just nonsense to them.

Her brother, who says things like “can I holla at you,” and “you just a playboy” because he believes this is actually an audition for Entourage: The Movie, doesn’t think Sean is reciprocating the romance. And in the most hilarious un-emotional way ever, Sean discusses a desire to fight Turtle Jr. He can’t, though — not because he wants to be the bigger person or anything lame like that. No, it’s probably just because his Kissing Coach Arie is also is Fighting Coach and Arie’s out putting his mouth all over Selma. A bit preoccupied that one is, huh? Don’t worry, Desiree, maybe he’ll take you out next week.

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But where was the drama from this episode? Sure there was the fake-boyfriend prank (which, dude? This isn’t the way to get your SAG card. C’mon!) which was oh-so-painful and obviously staged that I was pretty offended ABC would smash-cut away to commercial so quickly during that confrontation. As if we were stupid enough to believe it was anything but? It was all a bit much.

…and then Desiree got sent home! Spoiler alert! After a lot of hand-wringing, back-and-forthing, a mid-ceremony apology, and a second moment of pause, Sean ultimately sent Des packing. But not before some terribly penned, tweenage version of an unrequited romance novel posturing: “I always give so much because people take me for granted!” “It’s not right!” “Then don’t let me go!” Good lord, pump the breaks sweetheart, you’ve known this dude for…weeks. “I don’t even know what I’m going to do now with my life.” OK, she’s either lost it, OR she’s campaigning HARD to try and beat out AshLee for that Bachelorette crown. Jury’s still out. (Hey ABC, don’t pick her, either.)

And that’s our show! But we’ll be back Tuesday night because Tierrable is back! OK not really, but TALK of her is back because — at last! — Sean will tell all. And by “all” we imagine there will be a lot of teasers for the finale and the Women Tell All special, but hopefully the hour will mostly just consist of discussing Tierrable. Lord, I never thought I’d miss her.

What did you think of tonight’s episode? Did the right girl go home? Who do you think should win? Sound off in the comments!

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes

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