S15:E7 “What are you thinking?” – Emily
“This is a really, really cool view.” – Brad
Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was just like any other episode, even though it was Valentine’s Day! Brad took the women to Anguilla, land of outside beds and jersey dresses. Chris Harrison announced there’d be three one-on-one dates, and one “amazing” group date, and the first woman to receive a one-on-one date was Emily. Her date card said the three things Brad would bring on a deserted island with him were a picnic lunch, champagne and her. Her body was too busy producing goosebumps to realize that a hollowed out copy of Grey’s Anatomy that’s filled with firecrackers would be much more useful, but she went along with it because it meant she’d get away from the other girls. During their picnic together, Brad and Emily talked about the view, the water, the density of kiwis, and otherwise seemed very tense around one another. Brad was confused because he thought he planned their date perfectly, and finally just came out with it and told her that she made him really nervous. She said she didn’t want him to be, and that the only chance they were going to have a relationship was if the sun and the moon aligned…WHICH, TURNS OUT, ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN ANGUILLA, Y’ALL! At dinner, Brad asked Emily if, if he were to go to her hometown, she would allow him to meet her daughter. Emily was extremely hesitant because she didn’t want to confuse her daughter in any way, and that she still wasn’t sure if that was right for her or her daughter. But at the same time, how could she expect Brad to ask her to marry him if she wasn’t going to let him meet her daughter?
“We’re riding our bikes and all of a sudden, I hear music. And I’m like, we are at a farmer’s market!” – Shawntel
Shawntel was chosen for the second one-on-one date, and Brad took her into town so they could see the sites a bit. They rode their bikes around and eventually stumbled upon a market, where after realizing they don’t need to shop for anything because they don’t cook their own meals, they inserted themselves into a game of dominos. Then they walked right into the lap of a soothsayer or something, who told them that true love only consists of holding hands, and maybe kissing sometimes. Later they had a picnic between some baby goats, where they drank wine and told each other how genuine they thought the other one was. Shawntel even told Brad that she was falling in love with him, but only after she admitted that it wasn’t the first time she’d said that to anyone. In fact, it was the third!
For the third one-on-one date, Brad took Britt out on a yacht that naturally, Michelle thought was a waste of a yacht and a date. But Brad thought he was being strategic because of all the women that remain in the competition, he had spent the least amount of time with Britt. So his thought process was to take her somewhere secluded, spend some good quality time with her, and hopefully give her the chance to solidify her spot among the other women. Once they got off the yacht they spent some time cliff jumping, where every other three words out of Brad’s mouth were “are you okay?” because Britta still isn’t kidding anyone by trying to cover up her anorexia with her business cards that say she’s a food writer. At dinner back on the yacht, Brad tried to make conversation about the beauty of the night while Britta pushed her food around and tried to make it seem like she was too busy inspecting the consistency of the couscous to eat it. At the end of that date, Brad admitted that he felt no chemistry with Britta and submitted to his compulsion to send her home.
“These girls have no clue what they’re about to do…it’s something that millions of women dream about doing.” – Brad
We’ve gotten to the point in the competition where the group dates now consist of three women instead of, like, 15. So for the group date, Brad woke Michelle, Ashley and Chantal up at 2:07 AM and told them to throw on some comfy clothes and kindly walk with him towards the beach, where they were met by a woman who worked at Sports Illustrated. She told the three girls they were going to be photographed for the Swimsuit Issue that (conveniently!) hits stands today. Ashley’s biggest concern was filling out her top, Chantal’s biggest concern was all the truffles she’s been using to calmly retreat back into reality and off her cliffs of hysteria, and Michelle seemed to have no issues at all with anything. Ashley was the first woman to pose for a photographer who had a notably exotic name even though he was probably from Delaware and somehow, she was convinced to take off her bikini top and cover her breasts with conch shells. The photographer said it was completely sexy, but it really wasn’t because it was not at all like her breasts were bulging out from behind it or up and over it — rather, it was like the seashells were merely covering up a mouse’s entrance into the wall in your bedroom. Chantal also posed without a top on, but didn’t use anything to cover herself up. But it was Michelle who took home the crown on this date because she showed Ashley and Chantal that she could beat them at their own game without having to reveal her mom tits, and she decided to do that by posing for the photographer with Brad and making out with him. After the photoshoots were over, Brad was embarrassed that Michelle manipulated him that way and felt bad that Chantal and Ashley had to witness such psychosis. On the beach. Brad said he was confused at how the women reacted so negatively to posing in their bikinis for a magazine spread because he totally thought every single woman on the planet wanted to do that in their lifetime. But he was very happy to learn that Chantal loved him, and that gave him courage to say to Michelle that she was a completely volatile woman who’s always and completely one paper-cut away from helter skeltering the rest of the women in the competition. Once Brad realized he wanted to give the rose to Ashley, he pulled her aside and took her to a secluded area and told her to wait. Naturally, she thought he was eliminating her so she downed her drink that was the color of an H&R block…only thicker. But in order to retrieve the rose, it meant he had to go back over to where Michelle and Chantal were reclining, get it, and then walk over to Ashley again and hand it to her. But rather than being eliminated automatically, Michelle and Chantal put on their best jersey black dresses and went to the cocktail party with the rest of the women.