S15:E2 Last night was the first real episode of The Bachelor, and it was, fantastic! It was probably fantastic because I’m sick and delirious and I’ve forgotten what non-shlubby clothes look like, and I liked watching all the women get dressed up. But I’m actually pretty sure it was fantastic for non-sick people too, because it’s great to watch a show try so hard to be seen as an ambassador of love, but fail because its understanding of how people fall in love is warped to the extreme. People don’t fall in love during a couple’s massage, OR AT A CARNIVAL BY THEMSELVES or while they’re filming a PSA for the Red Cross! NO! People fall in love when the girlfriend’s infant pukes on the boyfriend and he laughs about it! Who ever heard of falling in love when the guy leads a girl into a room full of dresses and jewels and shoes that are all her size! You haven’t, right? Exactly! Nobody would fall in love in that situation because any man with tons of women’s clothing obviously likes to wear them himself! Anyway, let’s go over the episode.
“Who are we right now? WHO ARE WE RIGHT NOW?” – Ashley H
Brad’s first individual date was with Ashley H, the dentist. He took her to a carnival that had been constructed in the middle of nowhere that was just for them. At first, it was obvious she was a little disappointed that her date was at a carnival because she figured it meant Brad thought of her as his little sister, and someone he had to babysit. But she quickly established her adulthood when she told him about her father, who was a homeless alcoholic and she didn’t know where he was. This resonated with Brad. He told her that his dad wasn’t around either, and when he was, it would only be because he was planning on disappearing for years at a time. They kissed on the ferris wheel in agreement over their asshole absent fathers.
“All I want for my birthday is Brad. Every girl he kisses after me will be a disappointment.” – Michelle
For the group date, Brad took something like fourteen women to a studio to shoot a PSA for the American Red Cross, where the message would be that donating blood is a no-drama activity compared to the love quarrels/scenarios they were going to act out. Each of the women had parts where they would have to seduce Brad or kiss him, and then react dramatically when another girl would come in and interrupt them. (NO ONE SAID, “HEY, HOW ABOUT THEY JUST GIVE BLOOD?” NO ONE SAID THAT? No one said, “How is Brad acting as some guy named ‘Gustavo’ and mediating between two girls who are dressed up in maid uniforms and yelling at each other while clutching framed photographs of him any way to advocate for blood donation!” Way to go, ABC. You keep making your ratings impenetrable by those bullshit procedural dramas.) Michelle was deeply depressed that it was her 30th birthday and it didn’t look like she was going to have any alone time with Brad, and we learned that she’s the manipulator out of all the girls, which is shocking because she’s from Salt Lake City.
“What would it take to make this date better? What about Train?” – Brad
For his second individual date Brad took Jackie to a hotel where he treated her to a massage and a room full of gowns and shoes that were her size. He told her to prepare for a night on the town and to choose anything in the room that she wanted to wear. When Jackie was finally all dolled up, Brad took her to the Hollywood Bowl, which is apparently some big what to do concert venue where The Beatles and Elton John have played. But sadly, neither The Beatles nor Elton John were there to perform a private concert while they sat onstage and enjoyed some dinner – the worst band of all time was. As Jackie was gushing over the venue and the dinner they were about to have, Brad asked if anything could make the night better, like maybe some music from TRAIN. Brad, you idiot! Train makes NOTHING better! Train doesn’t even make the stink of a dead cat in an alley any better! But of course, Jackie loved her private concert, never stopping to think that the reason ABC got TRAIN to perform was because their schedule was completely open due to the sounds of sheer terror that they make with their instruments.
The last part of the episode was dedicated towards a confrontation that took place between Raichel (the body waxer) and Melissa, some crazy woman who quit her job and spent all her savings on clothes so that she could come to California and woo Brad. They accused each other of interfering with the other’s relationship with Brad, and it was quite a sight! Then, Ali Fedotowski and her fiancé Roberto (from the most recent season of The Bachelorette) came by and met with all the women to try and decipher who was there for the right reasons and who was there for the wrong reasons (like T.V. exposure, acting experience, and the like). It was amazing to see Brad already having difficulty in figuring out who’s really here for him, and I thought producers would have saved the “Ali and Roberto intervention” for a later episode, like oh, I don’t know, MAYBE THE SEASON FINALE. In the end, they told Brad to get rid of Melissa and Raichel because they were just too much for him and if he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life telling them that no, there weren’t any onions in their teeth and no, he didn’t want the hair removed from his undercarriage, then he better send them home. Which he did. Gustavo would have been proud.