‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Week 5

S15:E5 This is real. Like, real love. – Shawntel

The episode started when Chris Harrison walked into the mansion where all the girls were casually sitting in the living room and giving them the unattainable goal of packing up all their girl things and preparing to get on a plane to Las Vegas. Somehow, they managed to complete the task and as they were on the way to the airport in the limo, someone must have provided them all with Flip cameras because as they walked onto the plane and waited for the rest of the passengers to take their seats, they were making videos of each other with such excitement it was like they were scientists examining newly formed moon craters. Once they all got to Vegas, Shawntel learned she got the first one-on-one date with Brad, and he took her on a shopping spree where the least expensive thing she purchased was a $5,000 Fendi bag. She was so happy, in fact, that as she and Brad were galloping around the mall, she did the right thing and reminded the world that even though things are really crazy in Egypt right now, there’s the good news that love will always bloom in the midst of debit card transaction. Later that night, Brad presented Shawntel with a rose after she told him that she spends her days embalming people and making sure the lining of one’s casket doesn’t irritate his or hers dead skin. Shawntel kept pointing out how everything was so straight out of Pretty Woman, but that’d only be true if she already had syphilis.

Oh, he was a racecar driver? – Brad

Brad decided to take the girls on a group date to a racetrack. The gaggle included Emily, whose racecar driver fiancé died in a plane crash when he was on the way to a race two weeks before she found out she was pregnant. However, Brad didn’t know that Emily’s fiancé was a driver because Emily didn’t reveal his profession when she told Brad that she was once engaged and had a daughter. And so because Brad didn’t know the truth, he forced Emily relive the death of her love rather painfully and publicly. The whole time the other women were getting into their cars and driving around the track like they were starring in their very own GoDaddy.com commercials, Emily was trying not to cry off to the side. Finally, Brad realized Emily’s discomfort and brought her to the patch of grass the track surrounds (arguably the most visible spot in the whole arena) and asked her what was wrong. Emily told him that her dead fiancé used to race cars, and Brad was not shocked at all. He pretended to be, but you know he was more shocked when the show’s wardrobe stylist presented him with the purple or navy vest he was going to wear for his date with Shawntel. In the end, Emily finally got herself into a car and drove around the track a few times. She said she did three laps out of respect for her fiancé but then the fourth lap was dedicated to her future, and it was a really nice moment because no cameras caught the producers putting doughnuts on their penises and screaming about how long of a time six years is to be dead.

Just because someone comes in with the worst story, they get the most attention? – Alli

ALLI, I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SPENDING MORE TIME ON YOU IN THESE RECAPS. CLEARLY YOU HAVE THINGS TO SAY, AND FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL GET YOUR CHANCE TO SAY THEM! So at what is apparently called “the date after-party,” Brad spent some more time with Emily. He told her he was intimidated by her story and though he wanted to be a great guy with her and for her, he didn’t want to make her think he wanted to replace her deceased fiancé. Emily seemed fine and really okay with everything at that point. She told Brad not to worry, but Brad was kind of shocked with how strongly he felt for her. While they were talking, Alli expressed her frustration with Emily and her FUCKING SOB STORY. When she got one-on-one time with Brad, she broke down and told him how hard it was for her to feel special next to FUCKING EMILY AND HER KID AND HER FUCKING DEAD GUY. Brad explained to her that if he was as concerned for the other women as he was for Emily, he would be as consoling to them too because that’s just who he is, even though we know it’s not because this guy can’t even take a crayon out of a box without getting the OK from his psychologist.

This duet is going to be very telling. Chemistry, trust, teamwork, romance…it’s what it’s all about. – Brad

For the two-on-one date (where one girl was to be sent home), Brad took Ashley H. and Ashley S. backstage at Cirque Du Soleil’s Viva Elvis. The director of the show told the three of them he had one act to fill, and after they rehearsed jumping off of some stairs and into Brad’s arms, Brad was asked to choose which girl he wanted to be in the act with. He took the two of them to dinner and he gave the rose to Ashley H, the dentist, and sent Ashley S, the nanny, home because he didn’t think she would make an extraordinary wife for him (but what about just an okay one, like Nathan Lane?) He escorted her to the limo and reminded her that even though she wasn’t going to be in the show with him she did a SUPER GREAT job during rehearsal of getting dressed up like a stamp, strapping herself into a harness and circling around USO Brad’s mailman 50 feet off the ground!

From here on out, no talking. I don’t want one word. – Michelle

Before the rose ceremony, Brad spent some one-on-one time with all the women he’d neglected over the past few days when he’d been talking with womp womp McGee (Emily). Michelle was totally sick of seeing him get to know women she knew were so wrong for him, so like the lion that slaughtered the zebra that became the dress she was wearing that night, she pulled Brad inside a room, shut the door, sat on his lap and told him to shut up and listen to her for a minute. She said he had some serious decisions to make, that he needed someone who would appreciate him, and that she didn’t think any of the other women appreciated how great of a M-A-N he was. When she was done, she got up off his lap and said it was time for him to go send some women home now, and that the next time they were together, he would be permitted to speak. Glenn Close couldn’t have done it better herself (especially since she’s gone soft and is a spokeswoman for antidepressants or something now).

And so! Going into elimination, Ashley H., Emily, and Shawntel had roses, meaning they were safe and would be back next week for when Brad takes them to a tobacco company and makes them roll cigarettes, only to find out that they’ve each lost a loved one to lung cancer. SHOCKINGLY, Brad kept Alli, who even though is credited for making Brad realize that he can’t spend all his time on group dates with Emily, is probably a pretty terrible human being. He also kept Michelle, who is now one step closer to fulfilling her destiny as appearing on American Gladiators. He eliminated Marissa and Lisa, who were the only ones we didn’t know anything about so it’s still fine. Tune in next week, for when everyone goes to Costa Rica!