S15:E6 Right, so last night was the perfect example of why The Bachelor is bullshit. May I tell you why? I hope you’ll allow me to because I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately while I’ve been in the waiting room for some, I assure you, very average appointments that don’t involved dead dogs or dead cops or anything. So please just relax and let me explain this a bit. You can even leave that spoon on your nose. Okay, perfect. Let’s begin calmly like we’re both in a yoga class. Breathe in: THE BACHELOR IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FALL IN LOVE UNDER WATERFALLS AND ON ZIPLINES. OBVIOUSLY! Sorry, I’m passionate about this subject. The whole point of the show is for one guy to find his wife, and after each elimination ceremony, he’s supposed to be closer and closer to finding her. This means producers feel like they have to increase the bachelor’s chance of finding love in the remaining girls by whisking everyone off to great locations, where lizards are mating and monkeys are dumb enough to eat what you give them and the alcoholic beverages look like rainbows and taste like orgasms. The eliminations continue until the bachelor is left with the woman he thinks he’s supposed to be with because she was with him when some random parrot grew a second head, and he took it as a sign he was to be with her and he fell in love with her. So then the bachelor proposes to his woman in the last episode, and they go home to one of their lousy apartments AND THEY’RE TOTALLY MISERABLE because there are no two-headed parrots around them to remind them of why they fell in love with each other. Instead, there are broken traffic lights and moldy dog bowls and they have to walk to the bathroom instead of zip lining to it and there’s chin hair in the sink – none of which are even romantic in the slightest. The environment is shitty, in other words. Not THE LOVE NEST OF COSTA RICA, in other words. So of course these two people are going to break up – they fell in love under false pretenses! They united in a beautiful place, where their emotions were in overdrive. So when they return to their shitty lives together and move into an apartment above someone who’s been getting nuns addicted to heroin by injecting it into their star fruits, their love dies because it can’t survive the transport. Okay, so now, this episode of The Bachelor. Let’s talk about it! The girls and Brad are in Costa Rica.
“You know, things come your way, the rain comes your way, and you make the most out of it. I mean, that’s what you do in your relationship.” – Chantal
For the first one-on-one date, Brad chose Chantal O to go zip lining on the longest zip line in the world. The last conversation Brad had with Chantal was horrible, and he described it as being dramatic, so his goal of the day was to either rekindle the spark they had initially or to safely determine her as bipolar. But before they could go down the line, it started to rain and Chantal constructed a metaphor that suggested she believed any hardships she’d have in her relationship with Brad would never be more worse than Costa Rican rain that’s not even severe enough to prevent them from zip lining for half a mile. That night, Brad and Chantal had a picnic outside until the rain continued and they were forced inside. Once they were inside, Brad remarked that he was happy the rain brought them indoors because it symbolized to him that he was in a real place and real surprising things (LIKE FUCKING RAIN) happened, and that Chantal was willing to go with the flow. Brad gave her a rose, because even when times are brutally tough, good things can still happen.
“To be very honest with you, I’m pissed. On our one-on-one date, Brad and I made a pact that we would never repel down anything with anyone else.” – Michelle
The next day, Brad took the rest of the girls on a group date into the wilderness and told them they’d be repelling down a waterfall. The girls afraid of height started freaking out, and Brad rushed to comfort them with the story of how he and Michelle repelled down the side of a building in Vegas, and how it was the most fulfilling feeling he’d ever experienced. However, Michelle was super angry because on her one-on-one date with Brad, she made him promise he’d never repel with another woman. So as they were all going down the cliff, Michelle was off to the side thinking how quickly she could replace Brad’s safety line with a Ramen noodle. Brad saw Michelle was getting irritated, and he told her they were actually going to be repelling together. Obviously this made the other women angry so during the “date after-party” in a natural hot spring, he tried to spend some time with the rest of the women on the date to make up for it. But soon enough, Michelle pulled Brad aside and said she honestly didn’t see him having a future with Chantal, and that she didn’t like when he spent time with women that weren’t her. Brad got defensive and reminded her that this was his show, and her show is way over there, and it’s called Hoarders. At the end of the certifiably awful group date, Brad decided that none of them were worthy of a rose because he’s not one of those guys that saves a girl from elimination just because she repels down the waterfall first, or repels down the waterfall even though she’s super scared.
“I’m looking forward to coming back with that glow that the other girls have come back with.” –Alli
Alli got her first one-on-one date with Brad, and he took her horseback riding and into a cave that was packed with bats. Alli — who’s so petrified of bugs that if you approach her with one on a copy of Eat Pray Love, she’ll throw her wineglass on you – immediately started losing her shit when she heard them squeaking and colliding into each other, and Brad wrapped his arms around her and told her he was here for her. Once they passed the bats, they had cocktails in a very dewy and slimy place where there were no bats (which means it was even too horrible for them!). At dinner, Brad tried to get to know Alli more but she was completely negative about everything, including the chicken that was served for dinner. When the island their table was perched upon started to sink, Brad took it as a sign and sent her home.
When Brad returned home from his date with Alli, Michelle knocked on his door and pulled out a machete and sliced him into pieces like prosciutto, and transported him all the way to New York City and into the Bodies Exhibit down in the South Street Seaport. Just kidding, that’s the next episode. But she really did knock on his door, and she told him she wanted to talk. They sat down on the couch and Michelle went through all the women she thought Brad should send home. Obviously she kept herself off the list because she knew she was the right one for him and was sure that he wouldn’t miss walking at all. Officially creeped out, Brad told her to leave, which she did, rather reluctantly.
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Before the elimination ceremony, Brad sat all the women down and told them that he took a lot of grief that day from someone who was questioning his decisions, and that he really didn’t appreciate it. Then he left them alone to talk about it amongst themselves. They eventually figured out that Michelle was the one who approached Brad and put him in a bad mood. Then, we switched over to a private chat that took place between Michelle and Brad, where he told her that she’s scaring him terribly and that he was upset she was being so negative and that he was afraid of the direction their relationship was headed. Michelle then twisted everything around and said Brad WANTED her to tell him which girls she thought should be sent home. And with that total twist of psycho crazy horseshit, BRAD GAVE MICHELLE THE LAST FUCKING ROSE INSTEAD OF THE SWEET GIRL WHO VOICED HER FEAR OF REPELLING DOWN THE WATERFALL. That’s it, I can’t take this anymore. This show is hopeless. It has no hope. It is categorically illogical and I’m a receipt-keeping person. There’s no reason I watch this show. The constant rain metaphors don’t help, either.
