‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Wheelin’ and Dealin’

The Bachelor

Maybe I’m just overtired. Maybe having to cancel a date of my own has made me a wee bit jaded when it comes to potential romantical pursuits. Maybe it’s just because after having watched that episode, I realized I will have to recap The Bachelor not once, but twice next week that has me a little mentally exhausted already. Whatever the case, this week’s episode of The Bachelor was one big facepalm. Get it together, Sean Lowe.

Nevertheless, here we are: voyeuristically tuning into the courtship quest of our Ken Doll, personified, and his coterie of contessas. And once again, Tierra the Tierrable has taken over as the show’s central hurricane of crazy. As a viewer and a recapper, I like to think that maybe there’s a redeemable quality or two within the villains of reality television, but Tierra is turning out to be just as unsympathetic as The Bachelor‘s former hate-target, Courtney Robertson. Tonight it became clear that homegirl is certifiably narcissistic and nutters, and there’s no turning back now. You give girls a bad name, yo.

But first! Let’s get to the dates. Selma gets the first date! She’s completely misguided, because homegirl thinks she’s going to be treated like a princess in a castle but WAIT! She’s not going to be the princess in the castle. She’s going to be the princess of Joshua Tree — a beautiful desert park in California. But Selma wasn’t happy: “And then he took the Iraqi to the desert. I don’t do well in heat. At all.” Poor Selma, she was all ready to put on a fancy dress, wear a crow, scream “off with their heads!” and eat cake while people starved, but instead she has to endure the worst date, ever. I’m sorry, do you like sweating and exercising on a first date where the word “exercise” isn’t a euphemism for sex? Of course not! Because you’re a normal human. I’m all for going on hikes and being outdoorsy (although every future boyfriend should know that I am not a happy camper. No camping, not ever. You’re welcome, all my future boyfriends who are totally reading this recap, obviously), but do not make me flail about on a rock while being held from a deathfall by a rope. No one is trying to have chapped inner thighs going into date numero uno.

The date was not a total loss, because we learned just how clueless Sean actually is: “Selma loves everything about this date.” Oh, yea? Does she, Sean? Now I see why he thinks Tierra is here for the “right reasons” (which is my new least-favorite reality television phrase, ever). Sean is the world’s most clueless human. There are f**king wolves howling at the moon, Selma’s anxiously barking, “Oh my god, where are you taking me?” And yet somehow, Sean thinks that Selma is ba-da-ba-ba-ba, she’s lovin’ it. She’s not.

But the duo move to a more romantic spot (fire!), and open up about their personal lives. Sean about his last serious relationship, and Selma about her family’s conservative personal values. The two seem desperate to kiss, but Selma (who is from Baghdad) has a perfect image to uphold and a mother to appease. So instead of kissing (which he totally respects), Sean decides to thrust a rose in her face, caressing the sides of her…forehead? And maybe eyeballs? Yes, Sean creepily swats Selma’s face with a rose to show his affections. You guys, romance is still real, and alive and well! Selma gets the rose, and the two passionately hold hands for the rest of the evening. Under a blanket (which means she’s totally probably giving him a quick handie. Just kidding!)

Next up is the group date! And, of course, the beginning of The Tierra Show. It’s time for Sean to “step up” because she “don’t need no chaperone,” y’all. She’s a big girl! She doesn’t want a group date! She wants the golden goose, daddy! And she wants it NOW! Sorry Tierrable, you’re going on the group date. Suck on my roller skate, Tierrable, because you’re going to the roller derby! Poor Amanda was devastated that they weren’t actually getting into giant hamster balls and rolling down hills, which was her first and most logical thought.

As would be expected, this date is a total colossal disaster. Why? Because, um, hello? Have you ever tried roller skating? Roller skating is hard! Rollerblading is one thing, but skates are an entirely different beast — and way harder to control. Couple that with having to learn to derby (one of the most aggressive and terrifying sports, ever)? Yeah. No wonder poor Amanda ate it. Everyone learning how to roller skate looks like a drunk octopus on wheels. It’s not cute.

Tierrable is losing her s**t, but because she’s a totally rational adult female, she’s not going to let the other girls stop her because she’s a survivor! Even if that plague is of the I-can’t-believe-she-survived-it “bad energy” kind. Naturally, survive she does not, because she’s gone 15 minutes without Sean putting all of his attention on her, so she threatens to leave, declaring “I can’t be tortured like this!” Tierrable is in the reality television version of Guantanamo, you guys. GOSH SHE IS SUCH AN INSPIRATION, HOW DOES SHE DO IT?

…Probably by being a general garbage monster. Tierrable was apparently quite good at roller derby and the girls took the moment to actually pay her a compliment (probably attempting to make things less tense between everyone) by saying “oh, you should get into it!” But Tierrable knows that this is all a trick. She knows that these women are just saying this to her because they’re trying to torture her with their “compliments” and “words.” So she bluntly pouts, “no,” nearly cutting the girls off before they finish the damn statement. Apparently she’s mad because Tierrable doesn’t want a sympathy rose, she only wants to spend every waking (and sleeping) second sucking all of the life with Sean.

But first, Tierrable needs to wade the waters of injustice. Because, like ugh Robyn totally acted like she wasn’t there [at the roller derby date], and Tierrable is SO mad. She is convinced that Robyn didn’t say her name when asking about Amanda’s injury because Robyn was trying to get a rise out of her. Because the entire universe revolves around Tierrable. (Can someone put me on the universe’s mailing list because I’ve been missing out on memos like this for years now and it’s just so hard to keep track!) “Really, are you in high school?” the hilariously oblivious and hypocritical Tierrable says. She’s not bitter though, she’s better! She also might be psychopathic with her levels of narcissism, but I’m no doctor so please make sure to ask Dr. Drew or something for a highly qualified and professional diagnosis. But see, Tierrable may be questionably certifiable, but she’s not going to let anyone stop her from getting what she wants. And what she wants is Sean. All Sean, all the time. Only by Sean, I think she means “to win.” Unfortunately, the other women’s inability to understand how ~magical~ her relationship with Sean is, is BREAKING HER DOWN INSIDE and it’s NOT FAIR. She can’t be tortured like this you guys!!!! Why can’t Tierrable just be free to be a total stand-offish jerk to the rest of the women and not have anyone question her about it?

So, in order to get what she wants, she hides all Gollum-style in a dark corner before nabbing Her Precious away from his hot tub time with Amanda. Sean, in all of his doofus-like glory, feels like Tierrable is just misunderstood and needs extra attention because she’s such an ~emotional free spirit~ who feels a lot. So he goes up to grab the date rose and the girls are P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F, y’all. Sean thinks that Tierrable has a lot of self-doubt but he somehow really likes her. He’s crazy about her, apparently! Sean needs Tierrable to stay because he’ll forever wonder what could have been.

Contrary to Tierrable, Amanda openly admits to milking the sympathy card for a rose. “This didn’t happen for nothin’,” she states. She overblows her pain with Sean, hoping to probably get a rose rather than the kiss on the cheek she got. Oh Amanda, a kiss on the cheek? Might as well be the kiss of death. Someone is totally going home.

For the final one-on-one date, Leslie H gets the Pretty Woman treatment. “Hot car, hot earrings, hot guy!” she squeals. The two get their Rodeo Drive on Pretty Woman. Driving around LA, heading to Badgley Mischka and Neil Lane for a quick bit of integrated marketing so that ABC can get some ad sales dollars. Apparently it’s “every girl’s dream to shop on Rodeo Drive,” because every girl that Sean Lowe knows is a horrible stereotype and only have three likes: chocolate, shopping, and boyz. So glad that they’re proving money can’t buy you love and that women are more than just materialistic money pits. “And I am a tan Julia Roberts!”

Neil Lane lets her borrow (OBVIOUSLY BORROW this chick isn’t actually Julia Roberts) a necklace with 120 carats of diamonds on it in an art deco pattern. “Sean’s made me feel more like a woman than anybody else.” Ever ever ever ever ever etc ever ever. Because being a woman = expensive things!

Only Sean isn’t feeling it. The two go on a date that felt more like an interview. But maybe that’s just because their date is taking place in the same location as the final scene of 500 Days of Summer. They talk about past relationships and how Leslie is always the lady her exes date before they get married to their next girlfriend. So of course this is the perfect time for Sean to do the same! He’s not feelin’ Leslie H, so she’s sent packing. Before she goes, though, Leslie tells Sean to be wary of some of the girls that “already have roses” before she scoots off in the car. Gee, wonder who she’s talking about! Don’t worry, Leslie, you’ll find love if you want it, don’t worry. A lonely Ben Taylor serenades an empty room while simultaneously sounding exactly like his father (you know, James Taylor? Yeah, that guy). Sean wanders around the empty space, ocassionally stopping to lean pensively or sulk while a voiceover explains his woe.

So now it’s time for the pre-cocktail dramafest. AshLee remains confident and cool in her relationship with Sean. Robyn does a terrible chocolate joke and is overwhelmed by their make out sesh right before being pulled aside by Tierrable. Alongside Jackie, Tierrable explains that she’s never done anything intentionally to hurt these two gals — which I don’t think people thought she did? They just think you’re an awful human, Tierrable. Because you’re sort of presenting yourself that way! — she just wants them to stop reading into what she’s doing or how she’s acting. Which, to be fair, is really, really, really sound advice for these nutter butters. And the, shockingly, Tierrable apologizes! Only it’s “definitely fake, definitely forced.” “But if I have to be this way,” Tierrable explains, “I will.” Oh! Right! And no one is smart enough to tell that’s exactly what you’re doing, Tierrable. Not at all! You’re just so much smarter than them and no one can ever tell when you’re thumbing your nose as them! Tierrable is the worst.

Lucky for her, though, Sean is a total moron, and promised Tierrable that the other girls’ opinions on her won’t affect him. He doesn’t think her necessity for validation is a weird or bad thing. But that’s because Sean is like every other dude who doesn’t read the signals and then is shocked when they realize that the crazy women they fall for, are crazy. To be fair, women do this, too (we’re all so crazy and blinded by crazy when we want to put our genitals together! Ugh). But jeez, the dudes on this show have an especially egregious track record with this stuff.

But let’s talk about someone we actually like! Hello, Catherine! Where have you been this whole season? I mean, I know she’s been around, but there was something sort of sweet and special about her interactions with Sean tonight. She brought him a kiss on a card which is totally cheesy, but the chemistry between these two is immediately heightened. They’re so comfortable together and don’t waste time, so they sneak away to have a kiss. She calls it “perfect.” There’s something about Catherine that actually feels…normal? We approve, Sean. We like this one. Put her on our faves list ans save her from elimination, please. Which, speaking of: it’s time!

So, Who’s Going Home?

AmandaLeslie H. (already sent home)


Next week it’s a two-day Bachelor clusterf**k event that apparently can’t be missed! Two episodes in two nights?! Double the romance, triple the pain! Will your brain be able to handle it?! Do you think Tierra is as bad as she seems? Tune in next week to find out, and sound off about the show in the comments!

[Photo Credit: ABC]

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes


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