Here we go. It’s a two-day Bachelor event! Sean Lowe is a man downtrodden — grown weary in his quest for true love. But, lo! What an unfair situation for our perms-shirtless bachelor. He has lost his belief in love. Will anyone save him? And will he finally kick Tierrable the f**k out of the damn competition?
But first! Behold the majestic vistas of Canada! Oh, Alberta and those Canadian Rockies! This landscape is home for our Greek God of a man, the most milquetoast-y of them all, Sean. He needs his harem to lead him back to the light. Winter is coming.
Chris Harrison reminds them they could leave at pretty much anytime, so they should keep their bags packed and their eyes peeled, for horrors are laced within the shores of Lake Louise. But at least the view is nice, eh? Too bad Tierrable is the worst, right guys? That’s all the girls can talk about.
Catherine gets the first one-on-one date, and we’re pumped that a seemingly normal gal is taking the lead (in our minds). Catherine has been played beyond the Wall (you know, just north of House Stark), and is waiting for the Whitewalkers to arrive. Luckily, they travel in style in a bus with Sean as their bus driver. It’s glacier time! Put on your gear, gang, we’re going to play on a glacier. “He always seems to fit in!” Yeah, that might be because of his utter vanillaness, or just because he’s The All-American Everymandude Next-Door! Sean is — dare I say it — l-o-v-i-n-g it. He just seems to beam when he’s with her though, huh? It is pretty sweet, we have to admit.
And so begins the reawakening of our all-American prince. There’s a quiver, deep within his chest. A spark, a slow ember builds and suddenly — a castle! An igloo castle for two: can more could a lady ask for? And where else could a prince warm the cockles of his heart? Surrounded by ice, and snow, and love. A prince is reborn: “it just clicks with you.”
Catherine gets deep with Sean and discusses the time she almost died, and saw a friend of her die literally directly in front of her. By a tree. Oh my good god, that is awful. To experience that, and at twelve years old? Unbelievable. Sean is literally googly-eyed and giggling when he gives her the rose. Sean has a ~cru-ush~! ABC’s prince has begun to near the finish line, at long last. Girls are separating themselves from the pack.
Which was continued in the group date round of dating. Danielle was banished to the group date, as the only girl not to get a group date with Sean, giving Desiree her second one-on-one.
But before we get to the Tierrable part, let’s get to the beginning of the group date. You know, that Lake Louise Tourist committee advertisement? The one with the dumb shark joke in the middle? Yeah, there was that. Tierrable is pissed they’re not just going to be sitting around. Sean wants his all-American outdoorsy athletic sexy woman to also be able to endure arctic f**king temperatures and jumbo into the water to join a climb! Lindsay is really amped on it. No one else is. There’s an EMT because they know it’s dangerous and hypothermia is imminent. Selma is all ‘oh hell-to-the-no’ and no one wants to do it. Especially Tierrable who forecasts that “I might die.”
“No, I am from Baghdad. We don’t do this,” said Selma in the most hilarious quip of the life. “It’s a once in the lifetime opportunity!” Sean protests. “No it’s not! I could come back here and do this anytime,” she retorts. Oh Selma, girl, preach.
Bring on the hypothermia! Jump around saying Sean’s name, that’ll keep you warm for sure. Words. AND OFF COMES THE SHIRT. (It had been a whole episode without it!) Everyone is alive! A whole new world has been unlocked! The mountains are singing their praises! AshLee had a mental breakthrough that she will NEVER do again! And then Tierra can’t breathe. (I feel bad using her nickname at a time like this because she is definitely suffering from something.) She looks like she’s freaking out.
We do need to stop this recap momentarily to send a PSA to the music department at The Bachelor: dudes, slow your roll! This is not Anne Hathaway ugly-cry-singing her way to Oscar gold. There is no need for an epically-orchestrated soundtrack. S**t is over-the-top. Cool it. Get an editor. Subtlety is everything. Less is more. She’s drinking a coffee and whining about missing Sean. I mean hypothermia sucks but that music was better left for a Spielberg film not a dating competition reality series, ya dig?
The girls seem to have NO sympathy for Tierra. Which like, I mean I know she’s melodramatic and -the worst- but like, yikes y’all. She’s totally milking it to her Tierrable advantage, but like, let it slide, at least this once? If not for her health than for your own mental sanity? Even if she is mugging it up afterwards and being a certifiable nutter.
The girls are super-happy to not have Tierra on the date. Lesley felt “honored” to be holding his hand while she plunged to the depths of Lake Louise. Which, ugh, don’t even get me started. I just can’t. Sean “appreciates” Lesley so much. Which, oof. Appreciates? That might be the worst word choice ever. But Lesley is convinced they have the stuff, so who knows.
Tierrable is back, thank goodness. She’s mad that Desiree is getting a second one-on-one, so she goes against suggestion and gets dressed and goes to the cocktail party because she’s not had enough time with Sean. So naturally the conversation before she enters the room is all about Tierrable. A+, producers! She is quite literally walking in on all the girls s**t-talking her. The Tierrorist has arrived, y’all! (Ugh, I can’t believe they thought of that one before me.) All the girls think she’s faking it (which I don’t totally believe, because, hey! Everybody’s body is different! I mean, OK, maybe not on this show, but in real life they are. Lesley gets the rose because they’ve “turned a corner” which is reality-speak for he realized he might see more in her than just a cute face and figure. Tierrable is ANGRY that she didn’t get the rose. It’s not FAIR you GUYS she has been through A LOT and she DESERVES THIS. Not any of these other b**ches! Did they get hypothermia and almost die!?! NO!
You guys, I take it all back: Courtney Robertson‘s got nothing on Tierrable. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Courtney, I’m sorry for every bad thing I said, I take it all back. Tierrable may have usurped everyone as the A-No. 1 least-liked competitor on The Bachelor, ever.
Sean heads back to his room to sit pensively. He realizes he needs to send Sarah home. Apparently completely innocuous Sarah, Sarah who has done nothing offensive whatsoever and is a totally lovely lady, has come on too strong by saying she cares about her family. So now, it’s time for her to go. And the second he starts talking she knows she’s going home. Thankfully, ABC makes sure to keep this one drawn-out and as awkward as possible. The lengthy walk through the hallways of the hotel, the standing outside of the door just sitting around for no reason. And then the long goodbye, and the explanation that every guy says the exact same thing to her that Sean did. And, well gosh, I just felt for her, you know? So many girls feel that way, but she probably feels especially stigmatized because of her missing arm. See guys? Love is dumb: don’t ever do it on national television!
Sean enters the room and every girl begins pouting. And somehow Daniella doesn’t understand that the lack of dates for her means she’s going home (obviously). BAMF National Park (oh, sorry, Banff. Less fun to say) has its turn on the tourist PSA stage, and it’s time for a picnic and some casual pre-luncheon cliff-repelling. As you do. Also, Sean? FYI 400 feet does not a “mountain” make. You’re going down a cliff. Not Everest. Stop overdoing it, please. People do this on walls at gyms all over the country. “You’re dropping to your death! Oh no, I hope I don’t die!” You are attached to a rope, you might trip and lose your balance, but you physically cannot fall, you are attached to a rope. But they’ve got to make it really epic, though, guys — because repelling down a cliff is just like a RELATIONSHIP! Metaphors or something! They did it. As Sean says “I’m so glad it was a rewarding day, for her.” Seriously? Reward? Maybe a less-terrible-douchey-sounding word might’ve been a better choice there, Mr. Lowe. So don’t sound like you’re saying “Thank goodness for me, able to provide this woman with the reward of being in my company!” You might not have meant it that way, but damn if you didn’t sound like it, dude. (Sidenote: Sean Lowe also wants his wife to be able to climb trees. She literally must be able to do everything. So go brush up on your ancient Greek and sun salutations, ladies!)
But enough about that and a bit more about Sean’s amazing Christmas sweater sent from Heaven. It is the most ridiculous and therefore amazing sweater, ever. The oversized cowl-y deep v-neck? The red and the white patterning? It’s incredible. Too bad Sean doesn’t have the capacity to ever truly wear it well: there’s no way that mug could grow a beard suitable for that sweater.
Oh, right, also Desiree was pretty much homeless for a time. She lived in a tent for a couple of months. So she doesn’t care about money or superficial things. So she wants a family and love and the basic life essentials. “That’s what I want my wife to want,” Sean says. I can’t help but shake my head. Does Sean Lowe really think women have to just be what HE wants and nothing more? At first I would have assumed “no! no one is still that neanderthal-esque, are they?” but now I’m not so sure. He thinks he could see himself proposing to Desiree. The frontrunner life is the good life, ain’t it? You go from living your life in a tent to falling in love in a teepee (I PROMISE you those words were hers, not mine. Not even I could be that cheesy. Commence groaning).
Selma might be feeling bad that she didn’t have the “courage” to jump into the hypothermia-inducing waters, so instead she’ll go against everything she said before and kiss Sean on the family. She’s all “I know it’s a shame but SORRY I’M NOT SORRY lol!”
Anyone else creeped out by this weird blindfolding thing that AshLee did? Wow, she was like, crying, I thought it was going to go back to 50 Shades of Grey territory, he was leading her, they kissed, I mean…I just…that was so weird. I’m just uncomfortable. Which producer’s idea was that? Who told AshLee that this dating competition was a sleep-away therapy camp? Is it mean that I think she’s being a bit too vulnerable for television? It just seems excessive.
And at the rose ceremony, the blood of all the women begins to boil as Tierrable gets the final rose. Selma and Daniella are going home. After all that! The humiliation of her family! Her very dignity and poise. She’s going home for a s**tty kiss with a heartbreak and a memory.
It’s been an intense two days at the slaughterhouse Love Factory. So many broken hearts, lost love, difficult decisions, melodramatic days and nights. Next week? St. Croix and the U.S. Virigin Islands! 6 women and 1 shirtless Sean Lowe. A couple L-words and a lot more Tierrable s**t-talking to Sean. D-R-A-M-A, it never ends.
What did you think of tonight’s episode? Are you as sick of Tierrable as we are? Let is all out in the comments, folks!
[Photo Credit: ABC]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
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