‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Women Tell All

Last night was the episode where all of the women that Brad deemed not right for him got together and defended their choices to leave their daughters and their manscaping careers at home and come on the show. They all told Chris Harrison how they went into it thinking they were going to find love (“find it,” as if it’s more elusive than a green M&M costume or something), and that they weren’t there for any of the other reasons that were suggested (like to gain celebrity, money, or other reality TV show deals). Essentially, they all just complained about the process of trying to date this one guy who was among a bunch of other women, and the fact that none of them were able to get an advantage because everyone was waxed in the same place.

“Michelle, are you really going to sit there and cry? Like honestly?” – Christy

After suffering through a ten-minute promo for this summer’s Bachelor Pad, all the girls started attacking Michelle for being so vindictive and conniving and terrible over the course of the season. Then, in preparation of Michelle denying everything, we got to re-live every single time Michelle pulled Brad aside with her stupid braided scalp and demanded that Brad eliminate girls X, Y, and Z. We EVEN got to watch it while watching Michelle’s reaction to the compilation, which was a nice touch because she became even more and more defeated. So that, combined with sitting among a group of people telling her that for a hairstylist, her hairstyle never changes, led Michelle to break down in her seat. Ashley H (Brad’s most recent elimination) tried to defend her, and said that she really did get to know Michelle pretty well, and that Michelle is a good person even though she said (regarding her black eye), “Hey, if I did this to myself, imagine what I could do to the other girls.”

“I went there for the right reasons.” – Michelle

Michelle continued to act like a puppy that refused to own up to just missing the wee-wee pad by crying the entire time she was sitting across from Chris Harrison in what was unoriginally dubbed, “The Hot Seat.” The only reason we recognized Michelle as being Michelle was from her turquoise jewelry (that’s supposed to make her look like a nice person with a garden and a compost) and from the eye rolls we saw the other women throw in her direction when she said she was just being herself on the show and that she didn’t think she came across that terribly. Chris was intrigued as to why the other women were so hostile to Michelle and as she was explaining the experience she had dating Brad along with 15 or so other women, Jackie and Christy interjected and said they didn’t believe a good mother would ever choose to go on a reality show and leave her daughter behind and at home. Michelle began to cry even more, and Britt (the sequined dress oxymoron that’s the anorexic food writer) came to Michelle’s rescue by suggesting that they Michelle’s gorgeousity just made all the other women self-conscious. Everyone just clapped and gave up after they realized that maybe they really should lay off of Michelle because it’s gotta be hard living in Utah.

“In the beginning, they think I’m great and they think I’m such a catch. And then they realize they don’t want to be in a relationship, so instead of maybe telling me, they end up cheating on me or the relationship just goes completely downhill and I’ve already invested so much into it.” – Ashley S.

Then, the girl who Brad gave the First Impression Rose to, Ashley S., sat down with Chris and, in the time that she has been off the show, she seemed to have reverted back to the peanut butter and banana sandwich and “ooh! You got some boogies on the crust? No problem!” nanny, rather than the woman who squeezed Brad’s ass when she first met him. She told Chris how much crap she’d been through before she’d come on the show in terms of her prior relationships, and she suggested that every man she’s dated has slowly realized he doesn’t want to date her after agreeing to do so. She did express hope for the future, though, and asked if Chris had any single friends for her. Chris threw the show to commercial instead of answering because if his only two roles on this show are to alert the women as to how many roses remain at the end of each Elimination Ceremony and to host the reunion show and hand out kleenexes, then he definitely doesn’t have any single and hot friends.

“I was never 100% sure.” – Ashley

Then the other Ashley (who was just eliminated in South Africa) sat down with Chris with her new brown hair and her whitened teeth and told him how she was never really sure how Brad felt about her. She also said that she regretted not telling Brad that she was in love with him, and admitted that she was probably ignoring everything Brad was doing to try and tell her how he felt about her as a means of protecting herself from heartache. All in all, she just regretted that she made Brad feel like he had to spent so much time convincing her that she was okay instead of enjoying themselves and sipping drinks that are colors that don’t have names.

Finally, Brad came out on stage and was shocked to see that a woman like Ashley could dye her hair. He was also apologetic towards the other Ashley, to whom he said he didn’t think she’d be a good wife for him and also insinuated that he didn’t think she’d be a good wife in general. Then Brad turned to Michelle and said he would defend her until he was blue in the face, and that he loved her confidence. Finally, Brad turned back to who is being billed as the New and Improved Ashley H and told her that she didn’t need to apologize for questioning herself or for ruining their chance at a relationship or anything like that, because there were days when he questioned himself, too. The rest of the episode was dedicated to listening to Brad gush about how happy he is with the woman he’s chosen (which will be revealed next week), and it was nice and everything, but it wasn’t nearly as nice as watching video of Chris Harrison telling himself it was okay to pull out some serious moves while playing soccer against some school kids in South Africa because he bought a water heater for them.