Oh, America: it was Tierrable drama we wanted, but that wasn’t at all what we received. Why? Because ABC had a wild card no one was expecting. Monday night brought us the perma-hyped, but ultimately jumbled and underwhelming “Women Tell All” episode of The Bachelor , which attempted to coherently address the season’s myriad of crazy. Sean Lowe and his harem of ladies appeared on ABC to talk about all of the drama and behind-the-scenes trouble that plauged this season. Which of course, ultimately meant everyone just wanted to talk about Tierrable. But as it turns out, AshLee ended up stealing the night’s spotlight thanks to her own brand of specially-made confusion. Coming into the episode, there was hope that finally — finally! — we’d have a bit more information and insight from the girls as to why this season was such a ridiculous mess — coupled with an oh-so satisfying cat fight or two — but instead, we just had more questions.
Anyone who watched even part of this season of The Bachelor imagined the show would be one big Tierrable nightmare. But only half of it was. Tierrable is “self aware” now, so she’s trying to save face, which means cryptic weirdness coupled with preemptive self-defense. Chris Harrison explained that it took “a lot of courage” for Tierrable to get up and talk. But, oh Tierrable, courage she needed not: rather a muzzle. Miss Modesty was quick to set things straight about how she was portrayed on the show versus who she is in real life. “I light up in a room,” she explained. You see, when Tierrable walks into a room she brings “this joy … but with people that immediately judge [her] … they immediately judge [her] based off of what [she] looks like rather than the inner-person.” Oh right, the old jealousy defense! Why is that the go-to defense for every “I’m not here to make friends!” type on reality television?
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You see, homegirl is convinced that the first rose ruined the entire series for her, and that everyone hates her and is jealous of her because of that. Because that matters so much after the, oh, first rose ceremony, right? Totally, Tierrable. Tooootally. Chris Harrison performed one of the more disappointing instances of law-laying, merely softballing questions Tierrable’s way about why the girls turned on her. She explained that she didn’t want to be friends with them, essentially validating everything the girls were saying. So why not be nice rather than make it harder on yourself, questioned Harrison? Tierrable claimed only that she was “very consistent” and stayed true to herself. Never let them dull your sparkle, sweetheart. As Selma explained, “you weren’t unfriendly, but you weren’t friendly.”
Tierrable asserted that AshLee “was pinpointing” (which, by the way, means accurate, Tierrable), though she definitely meant nitpicking. And then the slow unravel began. Tierrable decided to apologize to the ladies for them “thinking” that she wasn’t being friendly or trying to be mean. Finally, after oodles of hemming, hawing, and back-and-forthing, Tierrable admitted that The Bachelor was an “extraordinary situation” she wasn’t ready for. “I handled it, I guess, in a bad way. And I apologize.” There was talk of eyebrow control, her origin story, born on the stages of Little Miss Nevada.
Oh! And there was also talk of Tierrable’s engagement. Admitting what we already knew, Tierrable explained that her and her old beau “needed the separation [of The Bachelor] to rekindle things.” So why, then, did she first say “no comment” when Harrison asked when she got the obnoxiously-large ring before admitting that she “got engaged in January”? Oh, right, because Tierrable is the worst, and also awful, and also really not good at handling media attention and scrutiny. Goodbye Tierrable, hopefully forever. R.I.P. Sparkles.
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For Desiree and Sarah, things were short and sweet. Sarah was sad and seems frustrated about why she perceives she is still single. It was sad, but I just know that Sarah will be fine. She’s like Arya Stark, she will be just fine. No one has to worry about Arya Stark, and a good man will find Sarah, and she’ll be fine either way. In Desiree’s case, it was all about the campaign. She believed herself en route to love with Shirtless the Conquerer. Also that her brother was an ass. Homegirl has The Bachelorette aspirations of a pageant queen.
Next up was the surprise drama star of the evening: A$hLe3. The S.S. AshLee talked all about abandonment issues, which is so surprising and unusual for her! She truly believed she would walk away with Sean, so much so that she believed Sean acted more like a frat boy with the other girls than the Southern gentleman he was with her. Which — ha! Hoo lordy. AshLee has clearly never met a real frat boy before. Service fraternities are not the same as Greek ones, girl. Trust. Because Sean is the tamest frat boy to ever come out of the fractory, probably ever.
She was afforded the opportunity to ask Sean about why he dumped her, because she didn’t “get it.” He attempted to declare, in the overly-civil way that only a good Christian boy ever could, that he couldn’t see building a life with her, even though he was falling in love with her. For the good ship AshLee, her anger mostly stemmed from the fact that Sean didn’t “check on” her. Sean, having been in her position before, believed his checking in would’ve made it worse. But fair AshLee, Queen of Feminism and Advancing Equality Between the Sexes says, well duh, if Emily checked in on Sean, that would’ve been weird. Because a girl checking in after a boy is weird, desperate, and unncessary, but a man checking in after a woman is not only romantic and thoughtful, but expected. Hello, welcome to Double Standardia! Women need to be coddled and held and cooed and pet on the head! They need to be calmed by the rational of a strong man of their hysteria! Quick, grab the chaise lounge so our fair maiden may faint in safety! AshLee, thrown away like rotting garbage.
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But it didn’t end there, Sean continued to get the third degree from AshLee, who is staunch in her belief that Sean proclaimed to her (twice!) that he didn’t have feelings for the other women. Sean, I have to admit, seemed a bit nervous and shifty, both saying that he didn’t say it and that he didn’t “believe,” “imagine,” or “think” that he said it. “Do you think I would just say that, do you think I would make that up?” AshLee asked, clarifying that Sean said “there’s absolutely nothing between me and those two [other girls].” Even during the break, AshLee stood firm that she wasn’t lying. she’s not making it up. Sean, ever the subtle evader, rather than answering AshLee’s question merely stated “I hate that you think I would’ve said something like that to you.” No one will really know who said what in the neverending he-said-she-said battle, but something tells me Sean did probably say something that could have been misconstrued as leading to AshLee. Or, at least, he really didn’t understand the type of girl he was dealing with.
Overall, the “Women Tell All” episode was a terrible nightmare of an experience. There was even a goddamn blooper reel — complete with girls screaming about bugs, people and things falling over, ducks that frighten, and yes, MORE SHIRTLESSNESS from Sean.
What did you think about tonight’s episode? Are you looking forward to next week’s finale? Sound off in the comments!
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[Photo Credit: ABC]
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