‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Blue Balls

ALTIf I wanted to sit around for two hours and listen to a bunch of dudes squeal, I would’ve gone to my neighborhood den of iniquity and sipped on a few gin and tonics in the lobby. However, what The Bachelorette giveth is what we receive, and what we have here is a bunch of dudes, some of whom are crowing and complaining about competing for the heart of a one miss Emily Maynard. All while forgetting—again! These narcissists, I tell ya—that this show is not about them.

It must be exhausting to be that competitive slash desperate. Sure, some things are competitions—like seeing who can eat the most cheese, who can stay up the longest, who can travel on a highway in Los Angeles without irrationally screaming at strangers from your enclosed metal box on wheels. Those are all totally normal, completely rational competitions. But finding love? I mean…is it just me or is that decidedly NOT a competition because that sort of defeats the whole purpose of finding a real, actual true love rather than just a pretty idiot? Because, you know, finding love is about two people connecting and all that lame gross icky cooties stuff. I never saw anything in the handbook that said it’s about tricking a girl into thinking you’re better than everyone else in the universe.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Emily is in Prague. She is wandering around the streets with her teal suitcase, completely oblivious to the camera crew and production team following her. She’s just a regular gal! Skipping la-de-da-di all around this cute little city she’s so ready to CZECH OUT (I figured you’d like that)! There are no more roses on the one-on-ones—because hometowns are coming, and that’s big game ’round these parts—but there is a single rose group date because making things awkward is reality’s bread and butter.

First up: Arie gets the first one-one one, because of course he does, he is perfect. Chris begins his trend of becoming the human embodiment of the womp womp. (Well, he goes from womp-womp to full out Stank-o El Desperado later on. But again! Ahead of myself! Woops.)

Calling all normal girls! Emily is already imagining Arie as her husband. Sidenote: Emily’s shorts are like a Pinterest wet dream right now. I can hear the roar of ladies scouring the internet for a perfect shot of them.

But, as we learned last week, Arie has a secret—and that secret is a very, very, very distant & brief relationship (which probably means they drunkenly boned a few times, whatever) with show producer Cassie Lambert. This happened in 2003 (NINE years ago! That’s like an eternity these days).

Now, there has been SO much build-up to this whole thing. Like, so much. I was ready and waiting to see Emily go off on Arie as she has on so many of the other dudes. I was scared for it—because I think Arie is totally the best dude on the show—but I was prepared.

…and the whole damn conversation happened OFF-CAMERA.

What?! ABC, are you KIDDING me right now? On some of these reality shows you have cameras where people pee and shower, but you didn’t have a camera there when Emily, Arie AND Cassie decided to pow-wow and discuss only (arguably) the biggest scandal of the season?

I don’t have balls but I feel like if I did this is what blue balls would feel like. I feel like I was drama-blue-balled by ABC. And I’m upset about it. Because this season has been so blaaaaaaaaaaah, I wanted something meaty. Something juicy. Something that made you feel a little bit like you are a gross voyeur and that you should look away.

So, we’re in a fight, ABC. We’re in a fight and I’m mad at you, and you’re a mean, jerky doo-doo head for not giving me what I wanted after all this waiting and stupid build-up. Chris Harrison even looks pissed. And to just hop right into Arie and Emily being all smiles and dopily in love with each other after all of that? Deplorable. Unacceptable. Salt on the wound, you monsters! I’m so mad. Don’t you understand this is why we watch these terrible shows? Because we love the way the ridiculous, over-the-top drama plays out. It makes us feel better about our weird, tiny, insignificant little lives. And you taunted us with it, and then you took it away. We couldn’t even cop a feel. Blue balls.

I mean, I guess I should get over it, so we’ll move on—but don’t think I’m not throwing mad side-eye your way the entire time I write the rest of the recap, ABC.

At least we have Mr. Personality [Disorder], Chris, to bring some much-needed mental instability to the evening’s proceedings. (Don’t worry, we’re almost there!)

Arie and Emily are talking in a way that makes me think that maybe they’re afraid if their faces aren’t permanently attached to each other’s that they might die. Whenyougetthiscloseitmakesmostpeopleuncomfortablepleasestop. Like, I can’t do that. I would be too worried about stank breath or a low-hanging booger or some sort of eye goober putting a damper on my game. However these two are apparently perfect human specimens so they don’t have such cares. They also don’t poop!

Then Arie tells Emily he loves her. And Emily feigns terror even though we all know her heart is skipping beats and playing jump-rope with all the tiny babies that live inside of her body and make it run. Did you know that? Emily is actually just a costume made up of a billion tiny babies. And the guy who wins doesn’t get a wife, but actually a tiny baby army. (This is actually how Joseph Kony got his child army. I’M KIDDING that was a terrible joke!) But anyway, Emily is scared, apparently, because s**t just got real. Like, realer than real. The REALEST of reals.

Fireworks! Symbolism! Woo!

Emily and John also have a date but it’s really boring, save for the—shock and awe here, America—SYMBOLISM when they can’t get their love lock to close on the lock fence and the SYMBOLISM when Emily “needs to go deeper with John” and she takes him into a cavernous room in the depths of an old castle or Czech torture chamber or something. It’s all representative. Bye John!

OK, now we can start to talk about Chris. Oh, Chris. Chris is one whiny, cranky, petulant motherf**ker and he is driving himself crazy right now. His brand of crazy is aggro with a side of toddler. Sit and pout! Then freak out! We get it, Chris. You’re annoyed. Are you new here?

Not to be out-crazied, Sean hears the news about his group date relegation and bugs out. He literally starts running around the entire f**king city of Prague trying to find Emily. How long do you think the producers let him run around like that? Do you think they just sat back while he ran around in the dark yelling her name (why no one tripped or smacked his inconsiderate a** is beyond me), and chuckled to themselves in the production van? The poor camera dudes were probably so mad. Anyway, Sean finally uses his right brain and thinks to ask a producer where Emily is finds Emily (magic! This show’s drama isn’t scripted at all! It’s all made up of the dark magic that encapsulates Emily’s home to keep strangers away from her princess Ricki), and so they go into a restaurant and sit and makeout or whatever. He wants to marry her! This girl has so many problems.

The group date has Sean, Doug and Chris going to a castle. Doug, aka Dopey the Elf, has the game of a teaspoon. Seriously, how did he convince a woman to let him stick it in long enough to make a baby? He grazed Emily’s knee with his own and probably could’ve written the world’s most skittish diatribe about it. We also find out that Doug also got the pity rose last week, so you know he’s a goner. But, since he’s so awkward, he doesn’t seem to get it. Emily realizes after the fact that he can barely touch her, that he’s got to go, so she takes out her man ax and cuts him out. Only! Doug doesn’t get that her whole “sorry I’m not sorry I’m kicking you off right now” spiel is just that. The juxtaposition of his chatting about how much he likes her while she gives him the boot is concurrently hilarious, but then the worst when he kisses her after she says he never tried to kiss her. Doug sobs in the van home.

When Emily returns to inform the guys that their three-on-one just became a two-on-one, Chris makes sure to spend every waking breath talking about how terrible everything is and how he deserved a one-on-one and how he shits pure gold and therefore is the world’s perfect man.

When Sean and Emily steal away for a few minutes alone, Chris is forced to sit in a tower by himself to stew in his own crankasaurus juices. Arms crossed, bottom lip out, wah wah wah. Life is hard.

Sean gets the rose, Chris gets the butthurt.

Chris seems like one of those dudes that as a child probably picked up a lot of small animals and hugged them all to death. Literally.

“I just love you so much I’m the perfect owner for you I’m going to hug you forever and why did you stop breathing oh no now I’m angry and sad!” – Probably something that Chris thought at least seven times in his adolescence.

The last one-on-one is with Jef. I feel like Jef is every boy I had a crush on in middle school. Slightly gay (also I’m lying because 97% of the boys I had crushes on in middle school were actually gay), super nice, fairly inoffensive, and adorable with ridiculous hair. In fact, the reason I can’t totally get on the Jef train, I think, is because he reminds me of a middle schooler. Also that whole is-he-or-isn’t-he-a-Mormon thing really confuses me? I find it all sort of unsettling for a variety of reasons that are nowhere near appropriate for a recap of a television show on an entertainment website. Moving on!

You guys, I am a purveyor of amazing international libraries. No seriously, I really love them. And the one they went to in Prague is SO magical! I was so into this date—especially because Jef bought Ricki a puppet and you know that Emily was losing her mind when he remembered Ricki and got her something—but, ugh. Then the creepy puppet therapy session started and they ruined everything.

And don’t call me a b**ch for this one, you guys. They were talking to each other, about their feelings, in baby voices, with puppets. They were role-playing with puppets. I am sensing some deep-rooted psychological issues when someone feels “way more comfortable” telling another person how they feel through a creepy-ass motherf**king marionette right now! Come on, you guys! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE RIGHT NOW?!? Stop the Jef train, I’m getting off!

Also, apparently if Jef’s parents don’t like one of his girlfriends, she gets the boot. He’s broken up with a girl because his parents didn’t like her. Damn, Jef!

Apparently none of that matters in the moment, though, because Jef’s parents won’t be meeting Emily during the Hometown Visits because they’re on a mission in South Carolina (which he delightfully sidesteps as them having a “commitment” down there that means they can’t leave for a few years. Um). Plus Jef says to Emily “I want to date you so hard and marry the s**t out of you” so, you know.

Now it’s time for cocktail hou—just kidding! No cocktails for you! Emily knows what she wants, and that is a rose ceremony. Right here, right now, no libations or alcoholic lubrications. All business, this one! Chris, of course, FREAKS OUT and interrupts Emily right as she’s about to announce who gets the final rose (it’s down to him and John, which, you probably already knew that because a.) you are very intelligent and have a brain or b.) you already saw this episode last night so you know things). He is literally, in the most desperate and pathetic sort of aggro way, begging her to talk to him and keep him on. Oh! I was a total crabby patty! Oh man, I was a jerk, I wasted my time! Etc! Etc! He wants to be a man now or whatever.

So Emily keeps him. It’s unsure if she was petrified she’s have a jumper on her hands if she didn’t give him the rose, if she saw flashbacks of his childhood accidental love-murders, or if she genuinely was going to prior to the conversation. Hopefully someone will grill her about that on the reunion because, hello, ~drama~! Plus she owes us for the blue balls.

Oh yeah, ever-so-confident John was sent packing because obviously. And next week are the elusive Hometown Visits! So crazy, right? We’re nearly to the end of this thing!

OK, head on down to the comments because we need to talk about this one—especially Chris’ bellyflop into the deep-end of the crazy pool.

[Image Credit: ABC]

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes


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