‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Devotion or Deceit?
S6:E3 Last time on “The Bachelorette,” we saw a weatherman knock out a Canadian in a way that wasn’t making sure he’d be taken away in the eye of a tornado. This episode, the competition for the prize (which in this case is a person – how has nobody compared this show to slavery even a little bit?) intensified. But that’s what’s supposed to happen…right?
We opened with Ali selecting Roberto for the first individual date. The card said “Love is a balancing act…” although I’m not sure I agree. Isn’t the “balancing” part when the two lovebirds still can’t figure out what time to set the coffee pot to start in the morning? That’s what I always thought! In any case, Ali and Roberto flew on a helicopter to the top of a huge building that was across the street from a table with dinner. Between the two buildings, of course, was the “balancing act,” or two thin cables that looked exactly like the knotted ones that stick out of my roommate’s router. So yes! They had to walk across them to get to the other rooftop to ease their growling stomachs. Of course, they could’ve just landed the helicopter on THE RIGHT BUILDING and had a NORMAL DATE. But no! ABC knows of no such thing.
They started walking across the cable wires and Roberto decided here (about a gazillion miles up in the air, standing on a wire the size or a newborn baby’s pinky) he wanted to kiss Ali. They do, and it looks completely uncomfortable and both of our lives would be better if we never do that. The date ended with them snuggling and watching the sunset together….and not eating for another three hours. But Roberto was a good sport, and he got a rose for not immediately demanding a steak dinner after walking pointlessly from one building to another.
The next date was the group date. Hold on to your tube socks and jock straps everyone, because it was lamer than the taped pair of spectacles you wore in fifth grade. The guys and gal went to a deserted warehouse (“where there could be gang wars” a dude said) and they were met by The Barenaked Ladies playing “One Week.” Everyone started bustin’ out, just like the cool trendsetters we knew they were. Ali announced they were going to help the overexposed man-ladies shoot a music video for their new song, “Run Away.” I know! The Barenaked Ladies are coming back! Surprise! They beat Coolio to the punch! Let Awesome Tuesday commence.
Once all the guys got scripts of their scenes in the video, they realized each and every one of them got to kiss Ali. Weatherman Jonathan admitted he was tremendously nervous for his scene, which required for him to kiss her after she pulled a book off a shelf in a library. But before we got to see Jonathan choke in the face of a hurricane, we watched Frank film his scene, which was him rubbing sunscreen on her back and then getting hit in the face nine times! You know the other guys enjoyed watching that more than they did staring at that infamous Farrah Fawcett poster.
When it finally came time to shoot Weatherman Jonathan’s scene, he was shaking so hard you’d think he’d never seen a tsunami before (THESE WEATHER JOKES ARE ENDLESS!). He whispered into Ali’s ear “if you don’t want to do this, let me know,” which means this weatherman is a smart weatherman, because he used some reverse psychology on her! Unfortunately for the Fahrenheit fellow, the whole thing backfired and Ali was completely turned off. Actually, it got so bad that HE CRIED. He cried because he had to kiss Ali in front of a bunch of other dudes. Have you ever done that? Yeah, it’s okay. You can laugh at him. He’s a weatherman.
Later that night, Ali and the guys went up to have another roof party. Each of them tried to pull Ali aside and find out if their scene in the music video did or did not represent their relationship on this reality show. After she gave them all decidedly unhelpful answers she gave another rose to Kirk, with whom she spent about an hour rolling between the sheets on the set. (Is it fair to say The Barenaked Ladies have finally inspired love for the first time?) At the end of the night everyone watched the music video, and it was about as good as the bar mitzvah footage your parents compiled in your honor to bombard your friends with while they were eating their chicken parmesan. Oh yeah – it was THAT good. It even had killer transitions!
The next day, Wrestler Justin (aka “the bad wrestler because he wears a cast”) was sick and tired of not getting enough time alone with Ali, so he hobbled the tw-ree (two or three) miles over to her house to snuggle on her couch with her. Technically, he broke the law of the producers and the law of his doctor! This makes us wonder – is Justin just a bad wrestler or a bad wrestler with no regard for the law? And more importantly, which is worse? (Answer: it’s a trick question. A wrestler in general is the worst.)
The second individual date went to Hunter, and it didn’t end how we thought it would. Right off the bat, Ali said it was a “make it or break it date” for him. And I think you’ll agree that when a girl prefaces a date with lingo like that, fireworks are not just illegal — they’re not even for sale. Ali thought it would be best to just have him over to her house, and not do the same death defying stunts like she’s done on her other dates. It was just the two of them in her suspiciously glass-housey house, grillin’ some dogs and burgers and cracking jokes about homemakers. Then they got into the jacuzzi, where things were dead silent…except for Hunter calling Ali “baby” four times every nanosecond. Unfortunately, all the “babys” weren’t enough for her and she didn’t give him a rose. Instead, she sent his infantile-ass home in a cab he probably had to pay for himself.
Back at the house, it came out that Justin (the broken Wrestler) crawled over to Ali’s house for some one-on-one time…and all the guys lost it. It was about two beats away from being a Jets vs. Sharks rumble. The rest of the guys felt Justin was deceitful and two-faced…which he was, but in his defense, the athletic cups come off when you sign up for this kind of show. Justin explained himself by saying he would “climb mountains for her,” even though he can’t because his ankle is on the fritz. The others didn’t understand what his deal was, and Justin didn’t understand and was surprised by their beef with him. But then again, he wouldn’t, because he’s a professional in a sport where everything is predetermined by dudes who would kill for degrees in English Literature.
When it came time for the finale rose ceremony, Kirk and Roberto were safe from going home because they both got roses. The rest of the guys (including the weatherman!) were not. In the end, Ali gave the final rose to Justin the Wrestler, meaning he’ll have more time to let his foot heal before he has to re-enter the world of wrestling and Steve and John C. were sent on nice little cab rides back to the days of eating cereal off of the carpet. Or maybe she just kept Justin around so she could break his other ankle next week? We’ll have to wait and see.