‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Homeward Bound

ALTAt last! Oh glory be, this show has finally gotten to an interesting place: we’ve weeded out all the wieners and have left Emily with only the winners at her side. They are, of course, Chris (aka Young Gerard Butler), Sean, Jef With One F, and Arie-be-still-my-heartie. Yes, some of those were just made up on the fly! And Sean doesn’t get a nickname just because I’m the writer, which means I can make up the rules! I love this game, you guys! I also love rules.

Anysh*t, here we are: hometown dates! It’s all become quite real to our young Emily Maynard, so she really wants figure out these men and what she wants from them.

So let’s go through the guys who are left, right? Chris is “so sweet” and many of the things Emily is looking for in a man. If by sweet you mean slightly mentally unstable and those many things include clingy, intense, obsessive, possessive, and aggressive? Then yes, he is your man indeed.

Jef is her “guy with an edge” which is hilarious because Jef is about as edgy as a water balloon. A pat of butter. A glass of warm milk. But he has floppy hair and skateboards, so like, totally hardcore or whatever. Skinny jeans! This girl should never go to Brooklyn.

Arie is next and as we all know goes vroom-vroom real fast in circles so that makes him the one with the “youthful badboy edge.” Emily could say she thought Arie was a White Walker (Game of Thrones reference, what are you doing here?) and I would still find him swoonworthy.

And last but not least there is Sean. Emily considers him the vanilla supernova. No, I’m sorry, that’s not at all what she calls him. I really need to stop lying like that, it is so untoward. Anyway, Emily feels safe around Sean. She knows his heart and she’s falling in love with it. Which I just totally do not get/see/feel whenever they’re together, but I’m not her so who knows what I don’t know, but I guess it’s pretty obvious to everyone here at this point that I am a firm believer that an Arie/Jef finale is the only way to go for her.

But there I go, getting ahead of myself again! Let’s get to the hometown dates, shall we?

You see that’s when they inject her with the crazylady love serum that makes people believe a seven-minute-long relationship could work. In real life. It’s actually quite adorable, really.

Her first date is in Chicago! Chris! They start off by talking about how Chris is a big crybaby. Which, I mean. … Then they go to his parent’s house where you really start to see the lack of chemistry these two have when they’re together. On a physical level, they barely even touch each other. The sister, Renee, totally sees that, too, and calls Emily out in a semi-passive way about it. The very blondest of the sisters (of which there are many, many blonde sisters throughout this entire episode) is afraid for Chris because if Emily doesn’t like him, she should cut him now because as his sister, she can tell his heart is really in it. And that means she could probably tell that Emily was just so not. It’s like that book! Men are from Pluto, you guys. They’re not into you only sometimes on Fridays. That one, you know. Meanwhile, Chris talks to his mom and you can see where he gets that fighting, um, spirit from. She wants him to bulldoze over the competition and take down Emily like the trophy wife erm prize, uh, totally normal female lifetime companion that she could be for our Young Gerard Butler. Chris’ dad is totally adorable, though; you can tell they’re close and I always find that sweet because male emotions are my kryptonite. Dad tells Chris that Emily is falling in love with him. Which…Daaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddd!!! I don’t think that’s exactly what she said, my dude! This will not end well for Mr. Chris. As Emily is leaving he says some weird thing about how”you make me feel really good. Like, crazy good,” and after that he’s all …WAIT, did he just admit he’s never told anyone he loves them before? That’s what that sounded and felt like, you guys. Oh, also there was Polish dancing. So that’s a thing.

Up next on the dateapalooza is Jef. Turns out he did not leave the second F by accident in Utah like I’d hoped. Nope, it’s still just one F. But we’re moseying, now, you guys! I love a good mosey. Because we’re on a ranch! Like cowboys! Only Mormon. Which is fine! Really, it is totally cool that you have magical sacred underoos and think that we’re all going to get our own planet when we die. Everyone has to believe in something. I believe in pug puppies and cheesemongers, but that’s just me. I’m not everybody.

They just keep not-mentioning it but alluding to it by saying words like “goals” and “virtues” and “values” over and over again. And his parents are doing “charity work” which is code for being on a mission because that is an actual fact: they are on a mission in South Carolina. So why not just call it what it is? I just think it’s sort of weird–all jokes aside–that they don’t just talk about it. Does Emily not know? I mean maybe he isn’t personally Mormon but his family sure does seem to be from what I’m seeing and what I’ve read on the Innertubes, so, I mean it must be fact. And he values his family’s opinion SO much, so obviously even if it is indirectly, the religion has an affect on his life. I just actually think it would be interesting to discuss the religion because I am fascinated by religion as a thing. And also because Jef–if he IS Mormon–certainly breaks away from many of the stereotypes out there about Mormons. It would just be interesting, you guys. That’s all. Also I need something to explain his weird doll therapy session from last week.

And now that I’ve gotten way ahead of myself and possibly in trouble for talking about religion for that long, let us all mosey on over to the Holmstead Ranch, y’all! Jef explains in the least-wild-voice ever that he’s about to take Emily on a wild ride. And don’t we all just believe him, huh?! He says that with the earnesty that comes from never having said the phrase “take you on a wild ride” in an innuendo-esque nature. Then he murdered some clay pigeons and Emily, whose aim is always true, is–surprise surprise!–a gun-totin’ mommadukes extraordinaire that can also murder a clay pigeon or two. Y’ALL! Like a rhinestone cowgirl. Later Emily meets the family (They drink lemonade! This is all so wholesome I could just spit) and they all love her. The family is tiny: there’s only like 800 siblings or something. Poor Jef, him and his small family growing up on a seriously drop-dead-gorgeous ranch with majestic views and sh*t. The life of this one! Everyone is happy, and most of them are very, very blonde. Jef calls the date life-changing and he is just so hyperbolic about Emily all the damn time it is almost not annoying, almost.

But that’s not all! Oh no, Jef had to go ahead and make sure I didn’t write him off completely by sharing his innermost feelings with Emily while overlooking some mountains and valleys. And while he does this, every girl in the world melts into a puddle, and that’s actually how global warming happens! Now the earth is flooded from all the puddles of ladies and we’re all dead. Emily says it feels perfect inside her heart and they are having a serious make-out sesh in front of that beautiful vista. Sigh.

But now we’re in Scottsdale! …Stop! Arie-time! He is racing around the track going real fast and I guess that’s cool but I don’t really like cars or driving or fast things so mostly I just find it sort of terrifying but also hilarious (he’s just going around in circles a whole bunch!). Now I’m just going to say it: if Arie doesn’t marry Emily, can someone find out if he’s into tall chubby gingers that live in Los Angeles? Because if so I know a girl I could give his number to. She’s a friend, it’s whatever stop asking me about it!

This time, we get the “take you for a ride” line from someone who definitely probably DOES mean it with a little bit of innuendo. After they rip around the track a bit, it’s picnic time where Arie admits that his parents are super-European (Dutch) and judgmental or something, apparently. His dad is laid-back and charming but his mom is the “least open-minded” person. Good luck, Emily! Sounds like a rollicking good time filled with reality television drama! BRING.IT.ON.

Then Arie’s mom started talking in Dutch? Which is like, pretty rude, really–don’t you think? Poor Emily didn’t speak Dutch, so it’s obvious they’re talking about her and so poor thing just feels sort of weird. BUT! Arie speaks another language! That’s the lede here, America. And oh my good lord Arie just keeps getting better, doesn’t he? Sigh.

The family dynamic at the Luyendyk household is decidedly bizarre (maybe it’s just cold though? European?). And then the funniest bit happens: Arie’s mom pulls Emily aside…to dish about Brad. SOMEONE is a superfan! Oh, OK, we’ve figured you out then, Mrs. Luyendyk! She thinks that Arie and Emily would make a cute couple though, so all’s well. Arie admits to his dad that he wants to marry Emily and his dad thinks that’s terrific. Arie says he is “definitely” going to marry Emily. The boy’s got confidence.

Next up is the snoozefest that was Sean’s hometown date. I’m disappointed because this is nothing like the Dallas I’ve heard about from the television box machine. I thought everyone was named JR! What gives?!

Anyway, Sean has dogs and he loves walking and running and playing with dogs and creating wildflower bouquets! Hooray! Emily sees a life for herself in Dallas. Also can we have a moment for his niece’s playhouse? Kensington Cottage? The damn thing has a NAME. Not just “go play in your playhouse so mommy can drink away her problems,” but like, a legitimate name on a sign. It has AIR CONDITIONING. I don’t even have air conditioning in my apartment! That I pay for. The world is really unfair and hardwood flooring exists in little girls’ playhouses in Texas but not in a two bedroom in Los Angeles. She is going to grow up not-at-all entitled.

Turns out that SEAN STILL LIVES AT HOME! Only…just kidding! This family likes to play really dumb jokes that aren’t really funny more than they are tired attempts at television time. After Emily leaves, Sean runs after the car to kiss her again in some weird wannabe-romantic gesture that just comes off as forced for the TV and I fall asleep.

But not for long because it’s elimination time! Emily chats with Chris Harrison but blahblahblah turns out what we knew all along was going to happen finally did: Chris is going home! Poor Young Gerard Butler. He’s “ten times the man” than all those other dudes! GRR EMILY! Rage! He’s very upset, and the other dudes are going to Curaçao! Tough life!

So there we have it! Another week down; can you believe we’re finally at the top three and this thing is nearly over? It feels like only yesterday we were meeting these men, and now their 7-second fairytales are coming to a close.

Do you think Emily was right to send Chris home over the other guys? Let us know in the comments!

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes


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