‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Portugal Before Parents

‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Portugal Before Parents

S6:E7 Happy fourth+2, everyone! I bet you’re all deliciously sunburned, which means you couldn’t have even taken a shower last night if you wanted to…so I’ll bet you watched The Bachelorette last night instead! Why not subject your mind to the same kind of pain your body was feeling!? Plus, it was only one hour long instead of the usual two, so it was like we all were sickly children who suddenly realized our flus weren’t getting any better because we were drinking too much Bubblegum flavored Robitussin. It’s all been just too much for our little bodies! But last night, we got the perfect dose, when Ali and the five men went to Portugal.

This week, since there are so few men to man Ali’s ship, there were four dates. A lot was on the line this week because the four guys who live to see another week will get to bring Ali to their hometowns so she can meet their parents. For the first date, Ali chose Roberto and they went on a picnic that was preceded by taking jumping pictures in front of precious-looking and feeble statues and whispering dirty things to guards.

For the group date, Ali chose Frank and Ty to accompany her on another helicopter ride around Portugal. She took them to a castle, where they saw a baby deer and Ali said it was cool. Riveting, no? She casually remarked being on a date with two guys was “stressful, awkward and tiring,” which is probably the worst thing you can say to your devoted fans who watch this show instead of hanging out with their nonexistent boyfriends.


In the middle of their dinner, Ali pulled Ty aside, but Frank was the real winner of the situation, because he was left alone with the breaded cheese/potatoes/meat balls. With Ty, Ali wanted to know more about his divorce and understand if his beliefs in traditional gender roles would get in the way of Ali’s career in connecting college graduates together and the two of them having a successful relationship. He said it “tickled” him to think she has things she wants to do, which is exactly what a person who just got out of prison would say while he’s trying to re-learn the appropriate lingo of mainstream society. Then, Ali pulled Frank away (who, for some reason, I like tremendously less than when I first met him) told her he still lives with his parents (oh, maybe that’s it). And bless her heart, she didn’t care that his mama still washes his undies and peels his carrots before she puts them in a ziplock bag for him.

(Don’t you feel like this episode had all the grease patted off of it with a flimsy napkin? I do! Maybe we do need the two hours!) For the second individual date, Ali chose Kirk and took him on a horse and carriage ride throughout Lisbon and then to an empty palace, where they had dinner and drank and talked about how meeting the parents is actually quite a serious step in a relationship. Blah Blah Blah, Ali might end up with Kirk.


The third individual date went to Chris, who Ali presented with a moped or motorcycle and told him to drive it somewhere. And man, the producers of The Bachelorette deserve an Emmy or something, because they totally gave them the slow scooter to symbolize how slowly Ali’s relationship with Chris is progressing. They sat on a ledge where Chris talked about his deceased mother, and it was actually kind of nice. And then they visited a winery, where Chris gave her a bracelet that couldn’t sparkle even if it spent all of grade school learning how.

When it was time for the elimination ceremony, all the guys were visibly petrified. In the end, Ali eliminated Ty, which means she will not be meeting his family or defending her desire to stay in the Facebook workplace to them.

So that’s it! Four guys! My money’s on Kirk or Roberto, because Chris is still taking it slow and Frank isn’t quite as grown up as Ali. But let’s be sure and tune in next week to see Ali get grilled by all their parents. It’ll be nice, for once, to she how she reacts when she doesn’t know what’s coming her way.