WELCOME BACK TO BACHELORETTE SEASON, EVERYONE! Did you miss being part of some random girl’s love life that you’re so glad isn’t yours because it’s just too pathetic and relies wayyyyy too much on alcohol to ever be normal?? I KNOW I DID! I missed this like crazy. I missed the champagne, the roses, the narcissism, and the suspicious titles of “entrepreneur” and “salesman” that are never clarified! I missed it all. Life just isn’t the same when you can spend those two hours on Monday nights doing something else because you don’t have to listen to some idiot girl talk about how she’s “finally ready for love,” (FINALLY! BEFORE IT WAS JUST TOO GROSS!) and explain how much she really believes putting her career on hold is the right thing to do so she can find someone to brush her dog with. My God, this must be the relief people feel when their Blu-ray players can be repaired for free because they’re still under warranty. I’m just so happy about the return of this show, I can’t even tell you. Join hands with me please and turn to page four in your THIS IS HAPPENING AGAIN pamphlet, get your dog something it can hump and one of those automatic feeding machines that are advertised in those SkyMall magazines because you are hereby busy on Mondays now.
As all of these seasons start, we were explained Ashley’s history of meeting Brad Womack on last season of the Bachelor, having a great connection with him and then falling out of sync with him because she let her fears about the other girls get in the way of her time with Brad. Brad eliminated her because he was taken aback by her transformation into a sweet girl with whom he shared his first date into a weirdo who wrapped herself in knit blankets and poked holes in them with her aloofness. We watched as Ashley danced around some vacant stage and talked about how much regret she feels over creeping Brad out with her mind, but vowed to us that she was a changed person (as evidenced by her dye job) and truly ready for love this time. We also watched as she put on her scrubs and pointed to her dental school and said “look, I really am back to my old life,” and told us that she would so very much like to share all the things she has in her life with someone (which again, only appears to be dental school, jazz hands, and floppy hats that make her head look like an octopus). But all in all, she really is the perfect Bachelorette!
“This is it! 25 guys all here just to meet you!” – Chris Harrison
When the time came for Ashley to meet all the guys, Chris Harrison led her out to the porch and primed her for meeting the guys by saying “you know what Ashley, no regrets this time!” But he might as well have lit a fire in a pit, shoved a spit through Ashley’s torso, mounted the spit between two trees and started rotating her as the guys pulled up in their limo. But he didn’t because that would take too much time away from his job as saying “final rose gentleman. Ashley, whenever you’re ready.” As the limo full of dudes was arriving, we got THE MOST CREEPY SOUNDBITE EVER from inside the car and it had all of them whooping and cheering and howling and hissing, and it was hilarious to watch them transform into gentleman who think goosebumps are cute. All of them were incredibly awkward, and all of them had ties on that looked like a fourth grader’s paper-mache representation of what a tropical snake looks like on their own magical islands. One of them, in particular, Mickey, walked right up to Ashley and said he had a gift for her from all the men in America – and he leaned in for a kiss on the lips! Ashley pulled away and wrote down on the notepad that she keeps in the space where one of her teeth is missing that Mickey needed to go.
“Don’t forget to use protection.” – One guy’s mom
Once everyone was inside, Ashley began spending some one-on-one time with all the guys. They each tried to find different ways to stand out, and one of the suitors even got out his cell-phone once he managed to get Ashley to himself and called his mom and introduced her to Ashley. The mom advised the two of them that when they get to the point in the show where they can forego their separate rooms and stay in the fantasy suite, they should keep it clean because their moms are watching and that they shouldn’t forget to use protection. Later on, another guy grabbed a guitar and played some chords and told Ashley that he needed to “steal her” from the other guys because he wrote a song for her. Once they were in private, the guy tossed the guitar into the pool and admitted that he didn’t really play guitar and that he just wanted to get her attention. Ashley thought it was adorable BUT IT WAS DECEPTIVE, AND DECEIT RHYMES WITH CHEAT WHICH IS WHAT PEOPLE WHO DECEIVE DO. More drama erupted when everyone realized one of the guys was wearing a mask over his face. One of the other bachelors (who happened to be an extra from The Departed) picked on him a bit and said the thing on his face was demented and that he should take it off because none of the other guys there were wearing a mask and it was just weird. The mask guy just walked around and kept to himself and hardly touched anything, and it actually was pretty creepy. But then the mask guy wasn’t the worst person there because The Departed extra got wasted and was hiccupping and swaying around and asked another guy to burp him. Eventually he passed out and Ashley couldn’t even wake him up.
“I’m here for the right reasons, and I think Ashley will understand that.” – Jeff
When the masked guy eventually came down from the balcony, Ashley pulled him aside and said she wanted to spend some private time with him. Jeff explained that he decided he wanted to “go out on a limb” and not show his face as a means to highlight and distinguish himself from the other men. He also said he wanted to “just take [my] face out of the equation,” and that to wear a mask over your face takes confidence. Ashley asked Jeff if he’d ever reveal himself to her, and he said he would, but that he was going to wear a mask for now because none of the physical stuff matters. DOES ASHLEY KNOW THIS SHOW HAS NO WAY OF REWARDING A GLIMMERING PERSONALITY?
“I have to know if he’s here for the right reasons.” – Ashley
So before the show even began, one of Ashley’s friends called her and said she had a friend who’s ex-husband was going to be one of the bachelors, but he wasn’t going on the show to find love and that instead, he was going on the show to promote his business. So Ashley made an effort to sit down with this guy, whose name is Bentley, and flat out ask him if he was actually interested in finding a wife in her. He said he had a daughter who’s name was Cozy, and Ashley got him to admit that he was married before (to Cozy’s mother, it seemed). Ashley began feeling conflicted because the Bentley that was sitting before her and looking all David Beckham-y wasn’t the man that her friend described to her. And with feelings of confusion stirring in her plaque-hating soul, she went off and gave the First Impression rose to the first guy who stepped out of the limo, Ryan. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing: ASHLEY THE LITERALIST!
“Jeff, will you accept this rose?” – Ashley
Ok guys, the first person other than Ryan that Ashley gave a rose to was Jeff, the sketchhead who was all like, “don’t look at me.” ASHLEY, ears over here: when you give a man a rose at all of these ceremonies, that tells them you think there’s a chance they could be your husband. Now, do you think Jeff could be your husband? Think of all the important events in your life that Jeff would wear a mask to. If you ever graduate from dental school, would you want him wearing a mask as you receive your diploma? If you ever become a dancer who can perform in a venue where people are actually seated, would you want him to watch your movements while wearing a mask? Or how about when you are giving birth to your child – that mask is black so you can never be sure if it’s clean enough to enter the sterile environment of your birthing room! There are just too many unknowns here, Ashley. Way to muck up your season so quickly! She even kept Bentley around, who’s so weird he named his daughter the feeling you get when you’re wrapped in a Snuggie and you have pancakes on the way! In the end, Ashley eliminated six guys. She’s left with 17 remaining guys, one of who wears a mask. STAY TUNED TO SEE IF HE EVER TAKES IT OFF.