S7:E2 I’m not sure if William is ready to walk down the isle, but I’m going to test him.” – Ashley
This week’s The Bachelorette started out with Ashley on a one-one with William, a cell phone salesman who looks a lot like Josh Lucas. Ashley arrived at the house to pick him up in a tight little white dress and a leather jacket and as she stepped inside to collect William, all the guys ooed at her like she was a magical package of deli meat slices that never expire. After she whisked William away from the other men and into her tight little convertible, she told him they were driving to Vegas but instead, she drove him to an airport and the two of them boarded a private plane that was going to fly them there instead. They held hands the way people who don’t know each other but are trapped in the same elevator do, and after some jokes about what the guys were doing back at the mansion, their plane finally landed. Ashley then took William to a mall or something, where they were recognized by everyone because this show is the heart and soul of America and everyone knows about it rather than what President Ulysses Grant died of (tongue cancer or something I think!). Anyway, then Ashley told us that she knew William was a very funny and sweet guy, but she wanted to test how readily he would enter into a serious relationship…you know, like the ones this show creates. So Ashley took William around this mall and made him pick out a cake that they’d eat at their wedding, the ring that he’d propose to her with, and she even made him go to a chapel with her and stand in front of a minister and “take her” as his wife. To William’s credit, he did everything Ashley asked of him, INCLUDING AGREE TO MARRY HER, and then little miss thang got scared and right there at the altar said, “hey, maybe we should just wait a little longer before we do this.” So essentially they just played a game of chicken without Kevin Bacon or any tractors. But it was kind of self aware because the whole premise of this show is for Ashley to marry somebody, and in a way, she proved that she’s not even ready to do it herself. Forget the fact that it was a test for poor William for a second — this “test” was on Ashley’s terms. She was the one who said, “I’m ready to get married, and I want someone who’s ready for that too.” BUT SHE WAS THE ONE WHO BACKED OUT FIRST! Way to go ABC, you sure know how to cast people on your show that don’t even understand what they’re supposed to do, or how to get Bacon involved in their little “tests” when his agent says he’s busy modeling for garden statues.
“This night was over the top. It exceeded anything I could have ever dreamed of.” – Ashley
Then came Ashley’s group date. She picked 12 guys or so and flew them out to Vegas, and told them they were going to be divided into two groups and the group who danced the best was going to perform with the Jabbawockeez later that night. The guys were all intimidated because none of them could dance, but at the same time none of them wanted to be sent back to Los Angeles without getting one-on-one time with Ashley. So it was a predicament! Anyway, one group called itself “The Best Men” because their routine revolved around a guy who is comforted by his best men at his wedding when his lady doesn’t show up. The other group called itself “No Rhythm Nation,” which is dumb if not dumber than “The Best Men.” So the two groups performed their shit dances, and they were tossing their hoodies over their backs and square dancing and criticizing each other over every little detail. At the end, the King Jabbawockee crowned “No Rhythm Nation” as “Almost Rhythm Nation” and the winners of the dance-off, and they went straight into rehearsing the routine they were going to perform that night in front of 2,000 people. And as they started preparing, Ashley kept talking about how it was her dream to dance with the Jabbawokeez and she said that it was the kind of thing she only dreams about, which was pretty nuts because she just put on a Kanga hat, some Mickey Mouse gloves, and a tank top with a question mark on the side of it that showed off her abs. No wonder she’s going about completing dental school so half-assed: it’s not her dream! After the dance, they went off to have their own cocktail party and Ashley told all the guys she wanted to spend the time they had together by having mini one-on-ones with all of them. The first guy to pull her aside was Blake the dentist, and Ashley asked him if the way the two of them were dentists (not so fast Ashley!) meant that they’d clash too much to be in a relationship because ALL DENTISTS HAVE THE SAME PERSONALITIES. Blake responded by saying, “nah, you’re looking for precision and perfection in a relationship. We should be fine,” and it was great because this guy was instantaneously eliminated. Who wants precision in a relationship? Who wants that? Get a fucking Roomba if you want precision in a relationship. And then West pulled Ashley aside and told her that he’d been married before, but that his wife died after they’d been husband and wife for just nine months. Precision doesn’t sound so bad NOW, does it Ashley!?
“She’s obviously a beautiful girl. She’s got a great body, amazing butt, and rockin’ legs, and having her tickle my pickle…I’m in. That would be amazing. The competition makes it exciting, and that’s the extent of my interest. She’s just not my type.” – Bentley
So Bentley was the one who Ashley’s friend had warned her about because he was only going on the show to promote himself and his business. And so of course, Ashley took a special liking to him and refused to see the truly disgusting and lackluster individual that he is. And for some reason, Ashley decided she wanted to bring Bentley back to her suite while she was supposed to be entertaining 12 guys. They sat down on the couch together and he told her that he never got a chance to thank her for giving him the very last rose at last week’s rose ceremony. He then explained his logic to her about how the last rose is the most significant, and he said the last one meant he was better than everyone else. Ashley pointed out that he was trying to justify being insecure, and then begged him to stay in the competition even though he was feeling like he should go home because he had a kid (that you know he totally doesn’t give two shits about). Then, since he realized Ashley was begging him to stick around, Bentley did that thing where you pretend to look out at a window and smile at a gorgeous view but you’re really smiling because you know you are a manipulative asshole.
“I’m taking a gamble. We’ll see which guy shows up.” – Ashley
The second one-on-one date was decided by a coin toss. Ashley sent a note to the guys’ mansion that said Mickey and J.P. had to flip a coin to figure out who would get to fly to Las Vegas and spend some private time with her. (What’s the point of having the guys in Los Angeles if Ashley is doing all the dating in Vegas? What’s the point of having Ashley in Vegas if all the guys are in Los Angeles?) Mickey won the coin toss and as Ashley was waiting to pick him up in the airport, she tried to convince us that by sending a coin to the house and asking two guys to flip for her was a huge risk for her to take. BUT THE BEST PART WAS THAT SHE TOOK HIM TO AUREOLE, A RESTAURANT, AND HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO THERE – EVEN THOUGH HE’S A CHEF! It was just perfect. Anyway, they selected a wine and then went to drink it at an aquarium, and they continued flipping a coin and pretended like them meeting each other was fate, even though some nice casting woman probably has the ability to put her children through private school because of her efforts to set the two of them up. It got to the point where they were flipping the coin for no reason, and they were asking each other when the last time they cried was, AND OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS. Mickey told Ashley that his mom died six years ago, and so instead of keeping him like she was supposed to, she decided to flip a coin for whether he’d get a rose on the date or if he’d have to go home. Mickey was reluctant to accept the terms of the agreement, but he got to stay anyway and Ashley admitted she was just teasing him with the coin toss and she always planned to give him the rose. ASHLEY, you’re so gross.
“This is serious. This isn’t a joke.” –Jeff
Before the rose ceremony, all the guys were trying to get one-on-one time with Ashley and as they were doing so, Masked Jeff was looming high in the rafters and maintaining that his mask was NOT A JOKE. SAYS THE MAN WEARING THE MASK. RIGHT? Right. Since Jeff did not get a date with Ashley this week, she wanted to spend some quality time with him and they sat down IN THE DARK STAIRWELL to chat about other things that wear masks. Jeff eventually revealed to her that almost 6 years ago, he had a brain hemorrhage and a whole bunch of seizures and he divorced his wife because of something called “untruthfulness.” And just as he was about to take off his mask and reveal himself to Ashley, some loser named “Matt” (who has been comfortable showing his face to everyone this entire time! LOSER!) interrupted and stole her away. And then, Bentley took Ashley over to the fireplace, where he had previously determined as the spot where he was going to ram his tongue down her throat so he could stay in the competition. In an aside, Bentley described the whole experience as “kinda boring” and said “it sucked towards the end.” BENTLEY, PLEASE DON’T GO! During the rose ceremony, Ashley kept West, a guy named Constantine who was neither the hairdresser or the wine connoisseur, sunburned Nick, vested Ames, Lucas, MASKED JEFF, J.P. (the guy who lost the one-on-one date to Mickey), Ben F. the wine guy, and Blake the precise dentist. The rest of the guys were sent home. And then we got a nice preview of how Bentley goes to Ashley’s house and breaks up with her in the next episode. But if you don’t stick around for that, THEN DO HANG TIGHT BECAUSE THE MASKED COCKTEASE IS SURE TO CONTINUE!