Guys, you know what I realized? How totally optimistic this show is. Think about it: this show is about one woman who dates a bunch of guys to try and find a man to marry. She knows he’s out in the world somewhere, and she hopes he’s in this particular group of guys she’s selected for herself so she has all these romantic moments with all these guys to try and puts herself out there to try and set the stage for what could be a marriage! I just think it’s so optimistic. It portrays love so beautifully – with flowers and fireworks and handsome people and cut cuticles and J-Crew. Even though everyone bashes this show, I think we all have something to learn from it, and it’s how just so great love is, and how lucky you are to have it. Because really, what else does anyone want more than love? I can’t think of anything, other than maybe those paper sleeves you put your extra coins in that you take to the bank and can exchange for actual bills.
“You know what I was thinking? I really wanna do the dance right now.” – Ashley
Ashley’s first one-on-one date was with Ben the lawyer, and she took him to a dance studio and taught him a dance that she explained to him by telling him to pretend that he was doing things like pouring a bottle of water on his head. Ashley was surprised with how well Ben moved his body, and it’s disgusting how much time she’s wasting trying to convince us that she’s a dancer. Maybe if she danced less, she’d be done with dental school by now. I don’t know though – it’s just a guess. Anyway, after Ben learned the dance Ashley choreographed, she took him to a makeshift park in the middle of a mall and told him they were having a picnic. Then she told him she wanted to perform their dance in front of all the people that were taking pictures of them in the mall. Ben was like “no thanks, I’d rather let you excise my molars…oh wait, you don’t have a license to do that! Okay, I suppose we can dance then.” So they started to do the dance and then all the people who they thought were just wandering around the mall also started to do the dance, and it turned into a flash mob! Ben said he was so surprised that everyone else knew the dance he thought Ashley had specifically choreographed for him, and when the dance ended, he said it was the most ridiculous date he’d ever been on. But Ashley’s surprises for Ben weren’t over yet: in fact, the band who wrote the song about poppin’ bottles and sizzlin’ and stuff that they just danced to were there in the park too, and they were going to perform a song for Ben and Ashley. They did their little song and dance, and then the crowd forced them to kiss because the crowd wasn’t gettin’ any at home. Their date continued later over dinner at a Hilton Hotel, where Ashley’s goal was to try and find out if she was someone that Ben could fall in love with – WHICH IS NOT THE OBJECT OF THE SHOW! I’m sorry. IT’S JUST NOT THE OBJECT OF THE SHOW! THIS IS ASHLEY’S SEARCH FOR A HUSBAND – NOT BEN’S SEARCH FOR A WIFE! ASHLEY SHOULD BE CONCERNED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT BEN WOULD MAKE A GOOD HUSBAND – SHE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW IF SHE’D MAKE A GOOD WIFE! I’m sorry, this show…sometimes. Over the course of their conversation, it became clear that Ben is a person who says “like” every chance he gets. You could tell Ashley was surprised that a lawyer would have such an inability to keep the similes to a limit. Eventually, Ashley did that thing where she tells her date all the things she likes about him, which is exactly what a teacher does to a second grader after he’s eliminated from the game of HORSE at recess. The date ended with Ashley giving Ben a rose, and he said “this is like, great.” Just kidding. But he thought it.
“My first reaction was that he’s a lot older than I thought he was.” – Ashley
Then it was time for Ashley’s group date. But before she could escort the guys into the limo and off to get their scrotums waxed at a zoo, masked Jeff took her aside and told her he was ready to take off the mask. He eventually did, but not before defending his decision to do so by saying physical attraction was important and throughout his whole conquest of standing up for loving someone for who they are instead of what they look like, he’s focused Ashley’s attention on what he looks like. When he finally did remove the mask, Ashley remarked that he was a lot older than she thought he was, and not much else.
“Yeah, that’s right. Ashley, I just picked up your tits from off the floor.” – Jeff
For the group date, Ashley took some guys to a comedy club where they met Jeff Ross, a stand-up comedian who’s known for his roasts on Comedy Central. He told the guys that they were going to be roasting Ashley in front of a sold out crowd, and explained that “we only roast the ones we love.” He also said that the guys were going to be onstage with Ashley, and there was nothing preventing them from making fun of each other. Immediately, Jeff (who recently removed his mask) knew he was going to be a target for the other men, and as a means of defending himself against such incoming fire he pointed out that one of the guys was dressed like a Backstreet Boy and that he was going to go after him. While the guys were writing their jokes, they started to freak out because how were they supposed to make fun of the person they’re hoping falls in love with them? And that’s actually a pretty legitimate point. Honestly, I don’t understand why Ashley’s testing the guys in all these ways. I mean, I get why she’s testing them – that’s how she’s going to get to know them. But she’s testing them in the wrong things! Who wants to be with someone who can make fun of you!? Wouldn’t you rather test someone in the way of, oh, let’s say, finding out if they can handle poop because you can handle vomit but not poop? Or wouldn’t you rather find out if someone can build a fire with two twigs and some twine instead of how comfortable they are dancing in front of hundreds of people? Or what about testing someone to see if they can rescue you from a sinking car? That’s actually really hard. Water pressure from the outside makes it really hard to open a door or break a window or do anything. Doesn’t that seem like a better thing to find out than if they’re scared of blueberries in pancakes? But whatever, this show doesn’t work like it should. But I get it! Ashley wants a man who can make her laugh! That’s why this show is so optimistic and warm and lovable! What else could you possibly need in a relationship more than a man with a sense of humor? Exactly. EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY. LOVE IS SO WONDERFUL! AND WE CAN ALL HAVE IT! Anyway, so William, the cell phone salesman who got the first date with Ashley, said something stupid, which was that his roast of Ashley could potentially launch his career in stand-up comedy. He was the only confident one going into the challenge, whereas all the other guys were writing jokes about each other and generally trying to avoid saying anything about Ashley. But William was all like, “my one and only chance to be honest with Ashley? I’m going to take it.” So the guys started doing their roasts. Most of them only told jokes about each other, like Lucas, who asked Ames when his forehead was going to give birth. AND STILL – OPTIMISM! Then Jeff got onstage, and made some crack about how small Ashley’s breasts are. Ashley took it in stride, and appreciated it when Bentley said that her ass makes up for her small chest. And then William got up after he told the camera that all the other guys were doing it wrong because roasts are supposed to be hardcore and leave no stone unturned. He totally thought that he was going to nail this challenge by being the only one to roast Ashley correctly, and when he was onstage, he said he couldn’t believe Ashley was the Bachelorette, and that he thought he was signing up to be with either Emily or Chantal. And then the night just fell flat – Ashley stopped laughing at her boob jokes, and pretty much even stopped smiling in general. Then she went offstage and sat down and started crying because apparently, the one thing she feared about doing this show was that people would rather have Chantal or Emily as the Bachelorette. The other guys asked William if he felt bad for kind of killing the mood, and William defended his actions by repeating the definition of a roast…and according to it, he did everything right! Ah geez. But he still lost. BUT AGAIN! He thinks he won in his own head because he followed the challenge! What positivity.
“I’m not going to pass up an opportunity to mess with her head.” – Bentley
Bentley happened to see out of the corner of his eye that Ashley was sitting by herself and crying, and he said he wasn’t going to pass up the chance to fuck with her mind and comfort her when she’s feeling down on herself. Ashley explained that she felt like she let the guys down for being the Bachelorette instead of Emily, but I don’t understand how the guys can wish that? Emily accepted Brad’s proposal – how can they be pissed at Ashley because Emily got engaged to Brad? I just didn’t know that this was an issue. Bentley also said that of the 25 guys who were selected for Ashley, 24 of them were excited that she was the Bachelorette…but what she didn’t know was that he was the one guy who wished the Bachelorette was Emily! BUT AGAIN! THERE’S STILL OPTIMISM! At the cocktail party, Ashley explained to the guys in tears that the one insecurity she had about doing the show was that the guys would wish they’d be dating someone else, BUT WHAT DID SHE EXPECT WHEN SHE TOLD THEM THEY COULD MAKE FUN OF HER? I don’t get it. If you give someone permission to make fun of you and promise you’ll take it well, then they’re going to come down hard on you! I’m sorry, I think Ashley had this coming to her. I think this is the time she’ll learn that there’s a reason why people stick to just dinner for the first few dates. There’s just definitely a beauty in testing someone to see if they’ll offer you the last bread stick or if they’ll just take it for themselves without asking you if you want it.
“Today I didn’t plan on talking to Bentley, but I respect him so much that I have to talk to him about what’s on my mind.” – Ashley
After Ashley had her little meltdown, she pulled Bentley aside and told him how someone texted her before the show started and warned her that Bentley was only going to come on the show for a few episodes and then he would leave. Ashley explained that she wanted to give him a chance and that’s why she didn’t send him right back into the limo from where he came, and she told him that if he did choose to leave, it would be harder than anything she experienced when she was dating Brad Womack on The Bachelor. Bentley didn’t do much to soothe Ashley, and instead just kind of said that the source who told Ashley about him first wasn’t really to be trusted. Other than that, he kind of just sat there stuttered and promised that he trusted what he and Ashley had, 100%. Then Ashley tilted her head like a pigeon and smiled like a giddy moron that was told there’d be s’mores.
“I’m going to make Ashley cry. I hope my hair looks okay.” – Bentley
So Bentley woke up the next morning after Ashley told him that someone told her he wasn’t there for the right reason and decided he wanted to go home because Ashley wasn’t his type and he was proud of the con he pulled on the show. So he packed up his things, told all the guys that he was leaving to go be with his daughter, and then got in a limo and drove to Ashley’s mansion to tell her he was leaving. As he was walking to the doorway to confront Ashley, he told us that he came into The Bachelorette thinking it would be Emily, and that all this time, Ashley has kind of looked like an ugly duckling to him. He said he was going to tell Ashley that the reason he was leaving was because he missed his daughter, but admitted that the real reason he was leaving was because there are 2×4’s more entertaining than her. Once Bentley told Ashley he was going home because he missed his daughter, she started to cry and said that she understood his daughter has his heart, but she had his! Then she started questioning her decision to even go on the show and she said that when she pictured the end, she pictured him there. IS SHE NUTS. SHE’S NUTS RIGHT? SHE HAS ALL THE NUTS. Then Bentley started complaining about having to hold Ashley when she was crying because he said there’s nothing uglier than a crying girl, and then he told Ashley that he would call her. And as he was on his way out, he recalled how Ashley swung her legs around him and how they were in the perfect position to do it. Once he was officially gone, Ashley ran into her bed and curled up and cried and said “why why why why why???” Then she eventually got out of bed because she had a one-on-one date with JP.
“As long as you’re okay, then we can go on with our night.” – JP
JP actually seemed really nice and tried really hard to cheer Ashley up. He brought her flowers, had a dinner with her in front of the fireplace, and just generally accepted that she was going to be in a bit of a funk. He just came across like a nice guy who hasn’t gotten a lot of attention so far, but totally deserves it. Then they put on their pajamas and glasses and took off their makeup and talked about how exhausting this whole experience is. Ashley thanked him for letting her have a bad day and she gave him a rose, which she pinned on his Michael Jordan Hanes no tag tee.
“There will be no cocktail party.” – Chris Harrison
When Ashley was at the guys’ mansion, she came across a photo of Bentley that made her cry. Chris Harrison showed up behind her and tried to console her by saying if Bentley really wanted to stay, he would have stayed, and that she had so many other guys out there who quit everything they had going for them to be there for her. But for some reason, Ashley doesn’t seem to care about any of the other guys anymore. She just seems to be fixated on this one shitty guy who uses his kid as an excuse to end his secret plan of going on a show to promote his business. Ashley then told Chris that she didn’t want to have a cocktail party that night, and that she thought it would be best if she just eliminated some bitches up in there. So she went into the rose ceremony and apologized for not having a cocktail party. She reiterated all the hurt she felt this week, between the roast and Bentley’s departure, but thanked them all for being there and being willing to see where their relationships would go. In the end, she eliminated Jeff and Chris AND KEPT WILLIAM, MR. COMEDIAN! On his way out, Jeff threw his mask into the fire and watched it burn as he said he would feel totally bummed out if he had to spend the rest of his life alone. Inside, Ashley toasted the guys to sticking around because this (meaning the competition) really does work! And then yet again, more optimism! Even in the face of overwhelming evidence that it does not! How can anyone watch anything else?