The Least Normal Things About ‘The New Normal’: Tofurkey Edition


ALTNBC’s The New Normal is a delightful show about a not very ordinary gay couple trying to have a surrogate daughter with a strange woman who has an oddball child and an unbelievably bigoted (and funny) grandmother. NeNe Leakes is also somehow involved. As much as it would like us to believe that this is the way the world works today, like most Ryan Murphy shows it is really a celebration of the oddities within all of us. Therefore this weekly feature is both a celebration (and indictment) of all the abnormality contained within it.

Normal: Wishing you could ignore Thanksgiving.

Abnormal: It’s impossible to ignore completely. You at least get the day off. And no one drinks cranberry vodka.

Normal: Everyone in your family looking alike.

Abnormal: NeNe Leakes playing every member of her family like she’s in Nutty Professor 2: The Clumps.

Normal: Wearing comfy clothes to Thanksgiving.

Abnormal: No one wears pajama jeans out in public without being attacked by taste ninjas who are tasked with enforcing the rules of society.

Normal: Wanting a nice place in the country.

Abnormal: No one wants to buy Ojai now that Brothers & Sisters has been canceled.

Normal: A child not knowing where turkeys come from.

Abnormal: An educated, cosmopolitan homosexual who does not know where turkey’s come from.

Normal: Wanting an exotic pet.

Abnormal: Turkeys are stupid, lazy, loud, and not especially affectionate. They’re as good to have as pets as, say, an opossum.

Normal: We do not forgive our families. We fight with them and never have to make up and they still have to talk to us. That is what families are for!

Abnormal: Wanting to make peace with your family.

ALTNormal: Actor’s headshots being embarrassing.

Abnormal: Wanting to put Clay’s head shot where he’s dressed as a pirate on my wall for the rest of eternity.

Normal: Pumpkin Pie.

Abnormal: Pumpkin Spice Pie. Please. That’s something they call regular pumpkin pie at Starbucks so they can charge more for it.

Normal: Hating Katherine Heigl.

Abnormal: Loving Sandra Bullock.

Normal: Not loving turkey.

Abnormal: Sorry, Jane is right, not having a turkey at Thanksgiving is nuts. Also, no one likes tofurkey, not even vegans.

Normal: Freaking out at your awful, racist family members.

Abnormal: Freaking out at your awful, racist grandmother of the woman who is carrying your gayby. Bonus abnormality points for ending it with, “shut your pumpkin pie hole.”

Normal: Reading Gwyneth Paltrow‘s GOOP newsletter ironically.

Abnormal: Please, no one has ever taken Gwynnie’s meditation tricks serious.

Normal: Your parents fighting at Thanksgiving.

Abnormal: Your parents getting back together on Thanksgiving and secretly shagging in the next room. The same goes for you, New Girl.

Normal: Being turned on by a man who defends your honor, no matter what color his skin.

Abnormal: Being turned on by a man who defends your honor, even though he’s a Republican. There is nothing less sexy than voting for Mittens Romney.

Normal: Being excited for turkey.

Abnormal: No one is excited for tofurkey, not even a fetus.

Normal: Finally, everyone hates tofurkey!

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: NBC]


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