The MTV Movie Awards: The Highlight Reel

  The MTV Movie Awards: The Highlight Reel

The MTV Movie Awards are known for making twenty-somethings like me (and thirty-somethings like you) feel pretty old. The red carpet is always filled with young-bloods who have more hair and muscle mass than we do, and the movies honored are the ones we pretended to have swine flu so we’d get out of having to take our nieces to see them. Of course there’s the occasional recognizable figure to get us through such an unimportant award show, like the all-star Betty White and Sandra Bullock (who we recently found out happens to have been married to a Nazi! Imagine that!).

Other than those two forces, if you spent two hours folding your laundry instead of watching the MTV Movie Awards, you deserve a full scholarship to Harvard or a Ferrari. Because you’re a better person than I am…with way more clean clothes.

I’m sure deep down you’re wondering what you missed, but you’re too embarrassed to ask any of your friends if they caught the show. It’s actually okay, because it turns out…you can see what you missed right here! On this very page of the Internet! No need to drill around from website to website, looking for the best clips from the award show you missed (where the trophy is non-edible popcorn) simply because you had a conversation with your wife or fed your kids. We at salute heroes like you, who had to forgo watching Scarlett Johansson kiss Sandra Bullock in real time because your dog wanted to go outside and walk behind the ice-cream truck for awhile.

First, we saw Ken Jeong (who used to be a doctor, actually…as in a person who gets your heart to start beating again) and Ed Helms sing about the subject matter of tigers dreams, which if you might recognize from their movie, “The Hangover.” But it was coldly interrupted by a Tom Cruise-looking (get it?) Les Grossman, who then appeared on stage and grinded with Jennifer Lopez. But not before making it clear he has the dancing skills of a light bulb. It was kind of great.

Then, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson won “Best Kiss” for the tonsil hockey they played in “New Moon.” Typically, the winners of this award are supposed to reenact the kiss when they’re holding their faux-gold box of metallic popcorn. However, KStew and RPatzz hate fame and refuse to do anything the way they’re supposed to. So instead, they did this little song and dance, which was even more fake than any movie where baby geniuses talk or spend a day out in New York City without getting run over by a city bus.

Next, Katy Perry performed “California Gurls.” Eh, well. Her day-glo clothes are cool and LED-lit glasses were pretty sweet. But other than that, it wasn’t bamboozling. But people are talking about it, so you should see for yourself. It was kind of like what would happen if the Beach Boys sniffed lots of highlighters and decided to become Cher impersonators.

Then Christina Aguilera sang a mashup of “Bionic,” “Not Myself Tonight” and “Woohoo.” Now I don’t know about you, but I much prefer the “Lady Marmalade” and “Dirrty” Christina to this one, who seems to be addicted to laser tag and “Iron Man” movies.

And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, Sandra Bullock‘s acceptance of the “MTV Generation Award.” It’s just like those young people to refer to us middle-aged people (note: I’m not even close to being middle aged) using old terms like “pre-seatbelt era” and “generational.” In what must be an attempt to counter those ageist words, Sandra Bullock plants a nice wet one on Scarlett Johansson, a la the closeted nyphomaniac on her spring break vacation to Cancun! Oh Sandy. Don’t let MTV or your Nazi ex-husband get you down. You’re as young as ever.