The Glee Project, Oxygen’s open casting call for the Fox song-and-dance series, is one of the better reality shows if only because it has a prize worth winning. Not only does the winner get some cash, but, more importantly for these showbiz upstarts, they get a job. A real live job on Glee! It’s what every 17 year old wearing a red sequin bowtie and cumberbund in a show choir dreams about.
Here’s a rundown of all 14 of the new contestants and how I think they’ll do on the show based on absolutely nothing but my own prejudices, assumptions, guesses, and Glee‘s voracious need to find the most impossibly diverse people in the world. You can check them all out here.
Cast Member He Resembles: Mike Chang’s Abs
Do They Need Him: This show needs more badly died hair like it needs to sing more Katy Perry songs.
Potential Storyline: Mike Chang’s younger brother tries to steal his spotlight.
Odds of Winning: Not good. He’s only been performing for a year. Look for him to be headed back to law school by episode five.
Cast Member He Resembles: Artie
Do They Need Her: It looks like they might.
Potential Storyline: Artie’s love interest.
Odds of Winning: Well, she doesn’t have to worry about dancing, but if she can sing, she might have a shot.
Cast Member She Resembles: Santana
Do They Need Her: Yes, of all the colors in the Glee rainbow, Middle-Eastern is not one.
Potential Storyline: A new love interest for Brittany.
Odds of Winning: It sounds like she has lots of singing experience, but can she act? Also, she looks a little bland. She’ll end up in the middle of the pack.
Cast Member He Resembles: Finn
Do They Need Him: Between Finn, Rory, and Puck, all the goofy white boy slots are taken.
Potential Storyline: Does Finn has a younger brother we didn’t know about?
Odds of Winning: This parrot salesman has never had a singing lesson. He’ll be out quick.
Cast Member He Resembles: Becky
Do They Need Him: Well, they haven’t had an ADHD/Autistic person, so maybe.
Potential Storyline: He has ADHD/Autism and teaches everyone a lesson.
Odds of Winning: That’s kind of a limited story, but he has acting and singing experience. Might be a stealth threat.
Cast Member She Resembles: Justin Bieber
Do They Need Her: This show needs more ladies who love ladies like the Dinah Shore weekend needs more Crocs.
Potential Storyline: Hooking up with either Santana or Brittany or both.
Odds of Winning: She’s also a singer/songwriter (of course) and was on America’s Got Talent. She should easily breeze past the early rounds.
Cast Member She Resembles: Lauren
Do They Need Her: The show is lacking in the plus-size department these days.
Potential Storyline: As Quinn’s nurse when she’s all maimed after her car crash.
Odds of Winning: She’s only 18, so she might now have the chops of some of the other contestants.
Cast Member He Resembles: No one on earth.
Do They Need Him: He is a blind triplet whose mother died when he was an infant. Glee will not be able to resist itself.
Potential Storyline: I think he’s living it right now.
Odds of Winning: If he can sing and dance as well as they say, he’ll make it to the end for sure.
Cast Member He Resembles: Sam
Do They Need Him: The world does not need another bland white male country singer.
Potential Storyline: Yawn.
Odds of Winning: Sadly, good. Ugh.
Cast Member He Resembles: Blaine
Do They Need Him: If Glee gets any more gay, it will have to change its name to the Paul Lynde Hour.
Potential Storyline: Kurt’s new boyfriend after Blaine dumps him for that evil Warbler twink.
Odds of Winning: Probably not that hot. He’s cute, but also very young.
Cast Member She Resembles: Tina
Do They Need Her: She doesn’t seem to have any spark. So no.
Potential Storyline: The girl who teaches Rachel to have some soul.
Odds of Winning: She’s a singer songwriter who works as a barista and likes to perform at open mic nights. She’s gonna be way too granola for Glee.
Cast Member She Resembles: Quinn
Do They Need Her: She’s a cute girl who also plays sports. That could come in handy.
Potential Storyline: A new Cheerio or, even better, the star of Roz Washington’s swim team.
Odds of Winning: Her backstory seems a little bland. She’s really gonna have to bring something special to go far.
Cast Member She Resembles: Mercedes (minus the voice)
Do They Need Her: No.
Potential Storyline: I can’t even think of one.
Odds of Winning: This girl who never performed for a casting director and has never been on a plane is going to be out first.
Cast Member He Resembles: Oh my god.
Do They Need Him: This guy is Glee‘s wet dream.
Potential Storyline: He is going to rule McKinely High with his diversity.
Odds of Winning: From his cast bio: “Tyler is half black, half white, Jewish and transgender.” Ladies and gentleman, we have a winner!