‘The Real Housewives of DC’ Recap: Finale

S1:E9 Last night was the season (or perhaps series) finale of The Real Housewives of DC, and only one thing happened: the Salahis crashed the White House State Dinner. Grab a chair and put on your socks with grippies, because this was fan-Stark-Enterprises-tastic.

The first half hour of the show revolved around the Salahis getting ready for the event. Tareq sat all straight in a chair and looked like a beef taco (in one of the shells with the flat bottoms so it can, literally, wobble into your mouth on its own) and watched as Michaele asked her hairdresser to tie her sari for her. She marveled at how beautiful a job he was doing with wrapping it around her, and Tareq looked off into the ozone layer and, probably, wondered if it was worth even trying to sneak past White House security to learn just how they manage to get an image of the White House onto a dessert donut.

When they got into the limo to head to the White House, there was lots of talk about whose cell phone battery was less charged. Michaele told Tareq she was excited to see what kind of outfits the other women would be wearing, and then the limo driver shot himself. It was just edited out of the episode.

When they pulled up to the entrance, they got out of the limo and you could see that it was terribly cold outside from the jackets as thick as hay bales that the police officers were wearing. Michaele had nothing more than a fly net of a sari to warm her, and it reminded me of all those girls in the Midwest that go out to the bars on nights when it’s 2 degrees outside without wearing their coats because they’ll forget them when they get drunk. It was infuriating. Then the Salahis approached some poor girl who was holding a clipboard and a list of expected attendants. It was clear her father got her that job, and she went ahead and lost it around twelve hours after she didn’t see the Salahis on her list, but waved them in anyway. Bravo blurred the poor girl’s face, per her father’s request. I assume. Goodbye masters degree in Art History from Carnegie Mellon.

So they get waved in, and since cameras apparently were the only thing not allowed inside the event, the episode picked up the next morning when Stacie and her husband saw a picture of Michaele and Tareq on the front page (below the fold, chickies) of the Washington Post with a large accompanying article that said they were not on the guest list to the bouncy castle, but somehow managed to sneak in. Stacie immediately called all the other women to get their thoughts on it, and Cat was particularly angry because after the Salahis attended the dinner, she and her husband were uninvited to the White House Christmas Party because they were associated with them. This allowed the already serious issues in Cat’s marriage to start braiding together and form something quite tasty but nauseating, like a piece of Twizzlers.

The next day, Mary, Stacie Lynda and Cat got together with their friend Paul and watched the Salahis on C-SPAN, where they had questions fired at them from important people who tried to convey how they poked a needle in the White House’s balloon without putting a piece of tape over it first (so it wouldn’t burst. Knowledge via Bill Nye!). The whole session was just them saying how they respectfully declined to answer everyone’s questions, as their lawyers had advised them to do. Tareq had memorized the response, Michaele taped it up behind the plaque that deemed her to be Mr.’s Mrs. Salahi. Paul was very sympathetic towards Michaele’s whole situation, while Lynda and the rest of them were right there with the government officials who wanted to punish them by making them walk the Big Bird balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Since the Salahis didn’t talk about anything on C-SPAN, Stacie invited them over to see if they would talk about it…even a little bit. Cat told her she wanted to be there too, because maybe if they heard how bad Americans they were from a British person, they’d start to get it. But she ended up drinking too much and Cat couldn’t contain herself, especially when Michaele’s glass of water was staring at her so sternly.

After Cat blew her blowhole, Stacie and her husband tried to calm the Salahis down and asked Michaele to give the poodle that was her coat a break and let it rest in its grave for a while. Everyone sat back down again, and when Stacie tried to ask what happened, Michaele got up immediately and said they were not allowed to talk about it, like she had been behind the Legends of the Hidden Temple set and was sworn to secrecy that the whole thing was made possible by a green screen. She sat back down again, only to get right back up when Stacie asked how can they expect for other people NOT to address the subject when they’re in the same room as the Salahis. Michaele said their real friends don’t even want to know what happened, and are much more comfortable talking about things like how the sun shines and how to open a chimney flue without looking like you just opened a chimney flue. Then they said there is no shame to the Salahi name and left through the back door.

That was it, the end of season one. Who’s on tap for a second?