‘The Real Housewives of Miami’ Recap: Black Ball’d

S1:E2 “The charity that we call ‘Consequences’ started not long after I met my husband, when I saw what happens when someone goes to jail and their whole family falls apart.” – Lea

Of all these women, Lea is the one who is the one who spends the least time thinking about matching her pucci muumuu to the sea glass that washes up on shore. Instead, she spends her time thinking about what happens to someone’s family when its leader or head honcho goes to prison. Every year she throws this big gala, and it is to raise money for the families that criminals leave behind once they are sentenced and put away. Lea explained that in the three, four or five months leading up to the gala, she can be working for 22 hours a day, which is certainly impressive because I’m pretty sure putting together a huge gala isn’t anything like playing Sims. We learned that this year’s gala had 175 auction items, which included Rolls Royces, a Spyker, cruises, vacations, and other luxury items. And even though those kinds of items sound completely irrational, Lea herself is quite rational and realizes that the economy is bad and that the Spyker just might have to come home with her, and could even be just the place for the gerbil to live when the bottom of his cage is being re-lined.

“Our magazines there sell because the lower person wants to see you and they want to wear the dress you’re wearing, they want to look like you, they want to be at that event, and they can’t. So the closest thing they have is this magazine.” – Alexia

Alexia also thinks she’s a businesswoman, and her business is making sure the people of lower socioeconomic statuses get access to people of high socioeconomic statues without the two groups having to interact. In other words, Alexia’s magazine documents the lifestyles of the rich and famous so the people who have to mow their lawns with their babies strapped to their chests can find their lives a little less tedious because they can imagine what it would be like to be rich and always wear white jeans with espadrilles. Alexia is providing a service, you see, and it’s showing the people who deal with disgusting bong water what it would be like to be a person who owns a $500,000 parrot with a tongue that’s precisely ¼ inch thick that is specifically designed for doobie-rolling, and what this person would wear to the doctor’s office.

“My son is getting out of school earlier today.” – Adriane

Everyone went to Cristy’s house to enjoy an authentic Cuban lunch cooked by Chef Pepín, but the meal was interrupted when Adriane got a call from her son’s school informing her that no one was there to pick her son up. Adriane told the school that she’d have someone take care of it and she immediately called her boyfriend to see if he could go get the kid. However, Adriane’s boyfriend was at work and he sounded less than enthused that he was going have to leave a meeting to go get the boy (that wasn’t even his and whose braces he had already de-gunked that morning, I’m guessing), when all Adriane was doing was having mojitos and Uncle Ben’s Cuban rice with her girlfriends. After Cristy and Larsa told Adriane that she should throw her boyfriend out of her house because he obviously doesn’t make her bed rock and because he gave her attitude when she asked him to do something, Alexia tried to reinstate practicality in everyone by saying that Adriane’s boyfriend said he’d go get the kid, and so what was the big deal, right? But Larsa said “nope, Fred made Adriane age 10 years in those ten minutes, and he should pay.” Then we got an aside of Alexia saying she sympathized with Adriane’s boyfriend because she’d been in that situation before, and she agreed that the person who’s lunching with her friends should go take care of the family hiccups rather than the person who’s using the Astroglide to keep the comb over looking good and making the money.

“If I’m having a bad day and he’s just being French, then we’re going to have a bad day.” – Adriane

Adriane sat down with her boyfriend and asked him why he had gotten so fucking French on her when she asked him to go get her son at school. He said he wasn’t upset, it was just that his phone was going off so many times and it wasn’t on vibrate so it was making all this noise in the middle of his meeting, and it was stressing him out. Adriane kept asking why he kept “hanging up on [her] face,” and Fred said he didn’t mean to, but that she could always count on him with anything pertaining to her son. Then Adriane went over to Alexia’s house to talk even more about the incident that had already been solved and was as serious as a crayon box not having a sharpener on the backside of it, and Alexia clarified that she understood the entire thing because it’s JUST SO HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD to get to a kid’s school when you don’t have a job, don’t have any nannies, and your diamond rings and 4 coats of Essie’s “Wicked” on your nails are wearing you down. Then they went off about how if they wanted to hire nannies, they could, but don’t because they want their children to feel “lapidated” and loved.

“Joe Francis was a former client of my husband’s. They put him in jail. Joe called me and said, ‘Lea, please help me.’ I said, ‘Joe, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to tell my husband no more sex until you’re out of jail.’ And you know what? Joe was out within a week and a half.” – Lea

The gala was a complete success, obviously because people like Joe Francis and Rick Ross were there. A lot of former NBA and NFL athletes were there too, as well as Gloria Estefan, Paulina Rubio, Helio Castroneves and Kim Zolciak. So, you know, IT WAS A FIESTA of, I’d say, Plutonian proportions.

All of the housewives in their one-shoulder gowns were there, except for Cristy, who did not purchase a $500 ticket. But then she suddenly showed up with two of her girlfriends (and those bra straps that are clear and are supposed to be invisible but really look like the goo a slug leaves behind when it goes somewhere). Obviously Lea was immediately informed of Cristy’s arrival, but none of the other women were as upset that she was allowed in when she didn’t buy a ticket because they were too busy being upset with their husbands buying $150,000 cars for them that they didn’t want because of the color and the weird way the doors opened (upwards!). At the end of the episode, Lea made one of her staffers promise to invoice the three girls for showing up and for drinking the Grey Goose that was only supposed to be for the broken athletes and inventors of yogurt, or whatever it is people in Miami become billionaires for inventing.