‘The Real Housewives of Miami’ Recap: Revenge on a Farm

“I think I should have been a grandmother when I was 35 or 40.”

Marysol came back from her wedding in Aspen and had her mother come over to her house to look at pictures that the trees had to step up and take, because seriously, no one was allowed up on the mountain with Marysol and Philippe. The pictures actually looked very beautiful, but Marysol’s mom kept finding things to say that hinted at how shitty the rest of the marriage would be and then demanded that Marysol have children immediately. Then she realized that she’s too old to be a grandma and has no energy to deal with kids who can’t figure out what they want for dinner even though they are completely starving. Marysol told her mother that her work was her priority right now, and her argument was that she was so busy that she can’t even cook for her husband (even though he is, apparently, involved in a business that pre-cooks foods, freezes them, and then delivers them to your house so all you have to do is put them in boiling water for three minutes). So she must be very, very, very busy then!

“We have a lot of great relations and we have photographers, so I ended up helping Peter get his first photo shoot. I’m not here to make things easier for Peter. I’m here to support him and guide him and know that I do have access to all this, but bottom line, it depends on him.” – Alexia

Alexia hooked her son, Peter, up with a photo shoot because she wants him to be a model now that he tore his rotator cuff and can no longer play football. I was confused because I always assumed that real life football players weren’t at all like characters on “Glee,” in that the love for the sport cannot be replaced with an occupation where you’re paid to put your hand on a woman’s hip so you can hide her appendectomy scar. It’s hard to imagine how much Peter actually loved football, because once he saw his photo shoot, it was evident that he very much enjoyed the visual of himself sitting in a library like he had reason to be there. Anyway, Alexia was probably just trying to give her son a pick me up, but she also spent time making sure we understood that she wasn’t going out of her way to do so, because, you know, she already had the connections. So it was more like, “why not tie your shoes if you have laces to tie?”

“Don’t get out of line anymore at lunch. You fucked up my lunch.” – Larsa

Larsa held a shopping event in some hotel room and invited a bunch of designers she liked and friends she hated so they could meet and talk about all they had in common. While everyone else was examining the goods, Larsa went up to Adriane and told her not to ruin the event like she did the way she ruined lunch last week by defending Lea’s decision to invoice Cristy after she attended the fundraiser without paying for herself or her friends. Adriane told Larsa not to attack her for what happened at the lunch because Cristy was the one that got ghetto, and not her. Then, Adriane went to try on a bathing suit and everyone thought it was just the HIGHLIGHT of the event because Adriane turned around and you could see her panties peeking out from beneath the bathing suit’s bottom. Cristy was very disinterested in Adriane’s actions, and Adriane later pointed out in an aside that Cristy was always jealous of her rocking body, and her breasts that were stand-ins for the boulder that crushed Franco in 127 Hours.

“My ex keeps calling me and asking me if I want to go back with him.” – Adriane

Adriane and her boyfriend, Frederic, went to a hotel and spa to spend some time together, but Adriane had it in her head that on this little weekend getaway, she was going to find out if Frederic would consider marrying her. So after they got their couples massages and while they were rubbing mud on each other’s naked bodies, Adriane dipped her finger into some mud and made a circle around the ring finger on her left hand and asked him when she was going to have something to put there. Adriane continued making her case to Frederic by saying that her ex said if he wanted to have the privilege of sleeping with her and being with her, than he should accept responsibility and pay for their kid. Shockingly, Frederic said that sounded like something he could do, and he said he would even legally adopt the kid.

“I wasn’t raised on frozen food. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.” – Larsa

It was Marysol’s turn to throw one of those lunches where everyone leaves the intern at work in charge for the afternoon and goes to a house to eat food that they’ll ultimately hate anyway. And since she’s in the event planning business, Marysol took the meal very seriously. She thought it would be cool to have people over and eat Philippe’s cooking since everyone else hired chefs that didn’t understand what the girls were about and expected them to pitch in with preparing the meal. But once everyone arrived, they were dumbfounded to see that the salmon they were about to eat had come from Philippe’s Frozen Food Fucking Fast business, and the three minutes it took to cook it in front of everyone reminded them of a businessman’s pitch to investors. Larsa in particular was disgusted, because as she said, she wouldn’t know what to do with something that had lost the battle against condensation.

“You are very worried about a man.” – Marysol’s mom

Marysol also invited her mom to the lunch, and Larsa had never met her before but had heard that she was somewhere in between a psychic and a person who reads people’s vibes. After having a conversation with Lea about how they could find out once and for all if psychics were real by going to one and dressing up like hookers with bad nails and chapped lips to see if readings were only based on appearances, Larsa walked over to Marysol’s mom and demanded that she tell her something about herself AFTER she had insinuated that psychics are bullshit. Marysol’s mom said Larsa was very worried about a man, and Larsa tried to make sense of this by asking if she meant a child, because she had three boys. Marysol’s mom said no, and that she sensed it was a man. Larsa asked for more information, but Marysol’s mom said she couldn’t provide her with any other details because there were too many people in the room. The conversation about vibes continued at the table, when Larsa told Marysol’s mom to go around the room and tell them things about each other (obviously hoping she would have something worse to say to someone else). Marysol’s mom said Lea had no problems, Alexia was very mature (Alexia clarified that nobody is perfect, and that only God is perfect), that Larsa was very immature, and that it was Cristy’s fault that her 11-year marriage failed. Larsa said she felt attacked by Marysol’s mom, and just assumed it was because she was younger and cuter than everyone else because how could someone who’s only been married once be the most immature person in a room of people who have been married at least three times each?

“I ate so much before coming here.” – Peter

Alexia took her son to a modeling agency that she’d heard about in hopes that Peter would be able to find representation. She told the head of the agency that he had already been in a spread, and so Peter was asked to take some digital pictures so they could send them out to their agents and get their opinions. The guy who took the pictures asked Peter to smile, take his shirt off, and walk around for a while. After the photo guy left, Peter was mortified because he had come from a big lunch and he wasn’t sure if the photos were going to be as good as they could have been. But Alexia was very pleased that someone else humiliated Peter because finally, for a change, Alexia was off her fatty son’s hook.

“I just feel like she could have said ‘mom, stop,’ instead of being, like, a co-conspirator in the whole thing.” – Larsa

While everyone was waiting at Lea’s house to have lunch with her at some special location, Larsa walked over to Marysol and told her that her mother was nuts and it was offensive that she would criticize her so heavily, even though she usually does very well with criticism, you know? Marysol wasn’t interested in picking a fight with anyone so she just took all the “why is your mother the way she is?” talk. They all got into a limo and drove to a farm, where Larsa (who stole this episode, really), asked how they were supposed to walk anywhere in on a farm in their dresses heels because the closest a Martha Stewart Living catalogue ever got to them was in their garage, where the issues sit on the dashboards of their maids’ cars. But Lea explained to the cameras that by inviting them to a farm where they were all dressed inappropriately was her way of getting revenge on all of them for making her suffer through all of their uncomfortable meals of pig slaughtering and bitching over invoices. The best part was when the women were asked to go pick some edible flowers for their meal, and they stumbled upon a flower called clitoria. Larsa, once again, said she didn’t know what to do with that.