‘The Real Housewives of NYC’ recap: A Bankrupt Burlesque

S4:E14 “I thought it was so weird when that guy came out, who was a girl, who looked like me!” – Sonja

So to cheer herself up because she doesn’t have $7 million to give her ex-husband to make him stop hassling her, Sonja decided to throw herself a burlesque party. But since she’s not creative enough to take all the Soviet hats that one of the James Bond video games inspired her to purchase and sew them together for a costume, she went to Patricia Fields’ store with Ramona and Ramona’s daughter, Avery. While Sonja pawing around the lopsided bows and the tutus and the dildos that doubled as lipsticks, a man who looked like a woman came over to her and gave her a ten minute spiel about false eyelashes and how they bring your eyes out, and how much better of a way it is to attract attention to yourself as opposed to wearing a hat that makes you look like you’re headed to the racetrack to face off against Mario and his competitive (but perpetual loser) brother, Luigi. Anyway, Sonja was completely confused as to whether or not the man was a man or whether or not it was just a woman who looked like a man, and so she made all these jokes about it as she looked at assless chaps. She also tried really hard to convince Avery to come to her party, but Avery just stood off to the side of the store in her Polo vest and Polo cable knit sweater and gray leggings and thought about how the “other plans” she had for that night consisted of playing pool with her pimpled guy friends and cutting her tongue on beer cans.

“That is so weird to me. You took French for 12 years and now you take a Spanish filmmaking course.” – Jill

Jill took a train to go see her daughter at college, and the first thing she did when her daughter met her at the station was start talking about what she’s been eating. Ali has always had trouble with her weight, and Jill has even sent her to numerous retreats and cleansing spas to try and help her get a handle on…her situation. Ali’s not even particularly overweight or unattractive, and so it must be hard for her to always have her mother criticizing what she eats. Anyway, Ali told Jill that she’d started eating chicken again, but that she was still a vegetarian. Jill tried to convince Ali that vegetarians don’t eat chicken, but Ali said that it was okay because she still didn’t eat fish. Whatever, Ali. I guess there’s no point in trying once you’re already situated in the highly educational place of BRONXVILLE. (I just Googled “colleges in Bronxville” and two colleges came up: Concordia College and Sarah Lawrence. Lets assume that because Ali’s Facebook profile picture probably has her eating a chicken wing with her Tiffany rings all covered in sauce (as a means of being ironic, because she’s rich, obviously) while her “about me” section says she’s a vegetarian, we’ll assume she’s at Concordia College). So Ali and Jill then went to lunch, where Jill then critiqued Ali’s classes. The main one she took issue with was a Spanish filmmaking one, and Jill couldn’t understand why Ali would take a class about Spain when she’d been speaking French for 12 years. Then Ali admitted that she was taking a sex class called “Sex is Not a Natural Act,” and told her mom that her dream job would be to be a photographer who writes a column about sex for a magazine. Jill graciously said she just wanted Ali to be happy, and then the two of them went shopping where Jill reminded Ali that she looks better in clothes that have a boxy fit. MOTHERS, DON’T EVER CHANGE YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESSION. IT’S NOT JUST FOR ELTON JOHN, YOU KNOW.

“I’ve determined that I’m home alone, all the time.” – Avery

After school, Avery met her mother Ramona at some restaurant for some kind of meal I guess, and as soon as Avery sat down and told her mom about how many tests she was going to have the next week, Ramona said she was going to have a crazy next week too and asked if Avery would mind if she made a few phone calls to try and get ahead on everything. Avery said she didn’t mind, and then she pointed out how she felt like she’s always home alone. And then she kept going about how frustrating it was when her parents don’t text her where they are or when they are coming home, and to me, this is a valid complaint. A kid should know when they’re parents are coming home so they can take the roaches from the joints they’ve been smoking that are lying around everywhere and dispose of them in a compactor room that’s on a different floor in the building and give the woman who has cancer her third strike with the co-op board. It’s true though. Kids should know when they’re parents are going to be home because they need to have enough time to make it look like they haven’t been doing the bad thing they’ve been doing. But then, Avery read Ramona the paper she had written about how she was her role model and even though Ramona cried, she was disappointed Avery had written how old she was.

“You sound cool.” – Music Producer

LuAnn went back to the studio where she recorded the cult classic, “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” to meet with her music producer about her newest song, “Chic, C’est La Vie.” As the newest cut was about to be played, Jill walked in and then after it was over, she told LuAnn that if she wanted it to be more clubby she had to change it so that it would be an 8 minute song. The music producer then interjected and said that the current cut was shorter because it was really the radio version and then Jill and LuAnn had a weird kind of staring thing. The producer broke the tension by saying LuAnn should make a music video to go along with the song. This got Jill very excited because she said she could introduce LuAnn to her jeweler, Jacob, and he could bring all the diamonds that they would need for the video. LuAnn was talked into it only because Jill assured her he wasn’t in trouble with the law anymore.

style=”font-weight: bold;”>“I don’t know why Simon still wants to talk to me.” – Jill

At Sonja’s burlesque party, Simon kept following Jill around and trying to corner her so he could talk to her about how her husband accused him of participating on a hate blog about her. Eventually, Jill and her husband sat down with Simon because Jill realized she didn’t want to be the reason the entire group was uncomfortable (as if the one throwing parties after she’s declared bankruptcy needs help fucking up the dynamic). Then Simon started to apologize without actually apologizing or telling Jill what he was apologizing for – he just said there was no point in apologizing (again, for maybe or maybe no participating on a hate blog that targeted Jill) and that it was better to just stop the behavior entirely. Jill decided to accept Simon’s apology even though it was unclear when she became aware of why he was apologizing, and then told the cameras that she only did it because she really wanted to show everyone how good of a character she is. But then the party really got started, and a Burlesque dancer came out and took off all her clothes quite elegantly and made all the women who came in booty shorts and had Swarovski crystals in the corners of their eyes look like fools. Ramona’s husband, Mario, was quite taken when the Burlesque dancer took her top off and revealed that she had pasties covering her nipples. Then it was time for Sonja’s act of some kind of chair dance that had to do with the black swan and the white swan, but it was mostly an excuse for Sonja to call out all her friends of being jealous of her while shaking her boobs and subtly referencing her bankruptcy. And don’t you just love it when someone tries to make you feel bad for not having something that you don’t even want?!