‘The Real Housewives of NYC’ Recap: Back in the Big Apple

I’M OFFICIALLY OVER THIS SHOW. I’m so done with it. I’M DONE WITH IT. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take this show being the first thing I think about on Friday mornings and the last thing I think about on Thursday nights. I’m truly done. There’s nothing more for me to say about these women. I pray that this is the last episode of this season because there is genuinely nothing left for me to say about these women, their pathetic husbands and their pathetic lives. I’M DONE. THIS GOOSE IS COOKED. THIS PENCIL IS SHARPENED! THIS CORGI HAS DROWNED! It’s over. If there’s another episode next week, I’m simply not writing about it (I will). I just won’t (I will though). I just, I can’t articulate the feelings I’m feeling right now. I just can’t. These women have sucked me dry faster than if I was a bottle of rosé. I just can’t take any more of them. This better be the last episode.

“I went to this fortune teller and the first thing she said was, ‘Oh, I see another woman in Mario’s life.” – Ramona

So the women came back from Morocco and the first few minutes of the episode were so disgusting I almost can’t even write about it. I almost can’t. But it’s my job and so I must. Basically, it was a reunion of sorts. We watched as Ramona rented a hotel room and sprinkled rose petals everywhere so as to show her husband Mario that she really appreciates him because she explained that most of the time, her business of making seashell necklaces and earrings and taking care of her daughter keep her away from him. But Mario was late in showing up to the room, so Ramona just sat there and drank wine and pondered if anyone would buy seashell cufflinks. Then Mario finally showed up in the room, completely shocked because Ramona had never done anything nice for him before. Mario sat down on the couch next to his wife and instead of showing her appreciation for him by fucking him like wives do, she told him how in Morocco, a psychic told her that there was another woman in Mario’s life. Mario responded that it simply wasn’t true, and Ramona was relieved and kept telling her husband how she was going to appreciate him. Then we cut over to Alex and Simon, who were slapping each other’s asses in the kitchen because they’re just so sexually attracted to each other. Simon was even talking to the oysters as he was eating them and telling them that they were sacrificing their lives for good causes, which was sex with Alex. Then, Simon pulled out a basket of panties for Alex, and she loved it. And then he pulled out several lingerie outfits for her to wear, and Alex dutifully put them on and twirled around and had Simon feel her ass and tell her that she was filling out the panties properly. I WANTED TO DIE.

“How much did I save on this outfit?” – Sonja

Sonja went to have some procedure done at some spa somewhere, and as she was undressing herself, her assistant pointed out that her coat and skirt still had the price tags on them. Sonja explained this was because she enjoyed remembering what kind of deals she got when she first bought them, and after she showed her assistant that her skirt wasn’t even zipped up all the way (because it was 15 years old), the woman who was about to give her skin a treatment told Sonja that she had read about her money problems in the paper. Then the cameras immediately cut to Jill, who informed us that right when they got off the plane in New York, they learned that Sonja had just filed for bankruptcy. Jill said it was “for, like, $19 million dollars,” but I was confused because I don’t think you can file bankruptcy FOR an amount – I always thought it was just “bankruptcy” because you HAD no amount. Then we cut back to Sonja who was explaining that the press was being particularly hard on her. Then we cut over to Alex, who said she read the article in The Wall Street Journal while she was in Morocco but decided not to say anything. Then we cut back to Sonja, who as her face was getting massaged and treated, maintained that she paid her credit card bills every month and her mortgage every month and her lawyer bills every month.

“Give me the Indian accent.” – LuAnn

Then we flashed over to LuAnn and her stupid boyfriend Jacques, waltzing down the street and speaking French to each other unnecessarily. When they went into a restaurant and were seated by the owner at the best table of the house, LuAnn told Jacques how much she missed him and how much she loved his sense of humor. Then she asked him to do his Indian accent for her, because she missed it so much. (Really? Her appetite for accents wasn’t satisfied after spending a week in Morocco?) Jacques obliged her request and it was so interesting to see LuAnn, who projects herself to be a respectful woman of culture, laughing at a French guy’s imitation of an Indian accent. Then they agreed to go on dates with each other for the next 50 years.

“Who’s going to say something? Not gonna be me…” – Cindy

So Jill created this shapewear line of women’s underwear and she got a bunch of the women together to come and tell her what they liked and what they didn’t like. Cindy and Alex arrived to the demo session first, and then Sonja walked in rather surreptitiously, claiming she wanted to get to the cheese plate before everyone else did. Then Jill walked in and asked Sonja how she was, and Sonja said the bankruptcy article wasn’t that big of a deal because she had a business adviser who had over 20 years of experience and the only thing she had to do now was clean up some mess that happened when she was dealing with Hollywood producers. She said she had no idea why The Wall Street Journal claimed she was $19 million in debt because according to her, she only owed a few lawyers and some money towards her divorce settlement. Jill tried to explain how the WSJ got their figure, and Alex was sitting at the table totally believing that all Sonja needed at that point of time was someone to hold her hand, give her a drink and let her cry. And to be honest, Alex was right. Who is Jill to say to Sonja, “here’s why you owe $19 million”? But I’m more inclined to agree with Jill on this: if Sonja’s tough enough to spend $19 million, then she’s tough enough to have someone who’s unfamiliar with the specifics of the debt to try and explain it to her. Then the focus group about the underwear began, and all the women were shocked to learn that Jill didn’t invite Ramona because Ramona apparently has been in the fashion industry for decades. But Jill said she didn’t want Ramona there because she couldn’t “trust” Ramona with seeing her product. Whatever.

“No one, ever, wants to have to declare bankruptcy.” – Ramona

NO SHIT RAMONA. NO SHIT. NO SHIT RAMONA! So after the fiasco that was Jill telling Sonja how to get out of her bankruptcy, Sonja went over to Ramona’s house and Ramona said Alex told her everything that happened during the focus group, and how all the women were approaching her and asking questions about something they were completely entitled to be asking about. Sonja told Ramona it simply wasn’t any of their business to be inquiring into her finances, and then she admitted that she was at risk of losing her home because of some “judgment,” and so to protect her house and her other properties, she filed bankruptcy to give herself more time to file appeals. Ramona tried to comfort her by telling her to be strong through the situation. THAT NOBODY EVER WANTS TO BE IN, RIGHT RAMONA?

“I’m really glad we’re meeting one-on-one like that.” – Alex

Alex met LuAnn at a restaurant to try and clear the air about the scene Alex caused in Morocco when she came down the stairs frantically and ready to yell at LuAnn for how she was trying to chastise Ramona for yelling at Jill. LuAnn started off by saying Alex’s behavior that night was embarrassing and she couldn’t imagine anything she had done to upset Alex. Then things went south, and LuAnn kept talking over Alex. Alex eventually called her out on it, and LuAnn said she had been nothing but kind to Alex, and the whole thing turned into a giant mess about what “really happened” in Morocco during the Henna tattoo session. Then Alex made the huge mistake of calling LuAnn delusional, and that set LuAnn so far off the deep end that she criticized everything about Alex, including her shoes. Alex continued to say that she isn’t going to tolerate LuAnn’s behavior, and LuAnn kept telling her to shut her mouth. Eventually, LuAnn got up and told Alex to remember that the messenger always gets shot. Quite honestly, I side with LuAnn – it’s most obviously the safest thing to do.