‘The Real Housewives of NYC’ Recap: Masquerade for All

S4:E6 “And I have a problem: sometimes I look to stiff so I don’t know, hopefully I’ll be relaxed.” – Ramona

We found Ramona at a photo shoot for her skincare line, wandering around and telling the hair and makeup people how she sometimes has a problem of getting too stiff around the cameras and making weird faces when she’s nervous. But they already knew she didn’t only make weird faces when she’s being photographed, and that she even makes weird faces when she’s handed the change from the croissant she just paid for. Then, Ramona started telling everyone (including the guys taping the cables to the floor) why she’s going to be the face of her skincare line, and it’s because people like her and she found good people to make the product for her. Once the photo shoot began, Ramona would not stop talking and so in all the pictures, it looked like she was a duck that was screaming because she had one of those pieces of plastic that hold six cans of soda together trapped around her feet. She even told the photographer (whose name incorrectly said with an “O” instead of an “A”) what kind of shot she wanted him to get, because the t-shirt he was wearing had stripes of different widths on them so she assumed he did not know what he was doing. Finally Sonja showed up to kind of calm Ramona down, but the conversation they had was about Ralph Lauren jeans instead of anything relevant, like how to convince Ramona that her eyes will still process light even if she doesn’t open them as widely.

“Could it be a little neater? Of course it could, but she’s got two freaking babies in that house.” – Jill

One of the best moments of last night’s episode was when Jill went over to Cindy’s home and saw her babies on the floor (each being attended by what seemed like two nannies per child), and told Cindy how her house wasn’t for entertaining anymore. AS IF THE STYROFOAM PUZZLE LETTER CARPET ISLAND THING IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM MADE CINDY DESPERATELY WANT TO HAVE PEOPLE OVER TO DRINK SAUVIGNON BLANC AND EAT EDIBLE FLOWERS! (It probably did anyway.) It was just so perfect how Jill walked in there, saw all the piggies and cushions and pacifiers and bubbling saliva and said, “you know, in case you had any urges to invite anyone else over here, don’t.” Cindy seems to realize that her house now belongs to her babies, and how it’d be wrong of her to have friends over to talk about amethyst rings big enough to take Buffalo Bill’s mind off skinning young women while the twins sat in the same room and marveled at the stitching of their nannies’ jeans. But it was just great how Jill felt compelled to tell Cindy that her house isn’t for adults anymore…even though it kind of is, because Cindy has so many nannies that she’s never seen actually holding one of her children or putting anything away anywhere because she has so many assistants. When Cindy was introducing Jill to everyone, I counted two girls in her bedroom who are responsible for adjusting the bedroom’s blinds so that when the sun shines through them, Cindy’s white comforter doesn’t look like it has gray stripes.

“Be careful Kev! I don’t know, just be careful.” – Cindy

We finally met Cindy’s ex-boyfriend last night. His name is Kevin, and he’s probably an actor or something. Anyway, he came over to spend some time with his daughters, but Cindy got really upset with him because she thought he was being too rough with them. Granted, he did take one of his children and make her do a flip in the air and onto a mat, and this caused Cindy to explain that even though she lets Kevin see his children whenever he wants, sometimes it’s only once a week so his skills in handling them is not that great. And interestingly, Cindy was rather hands-on with her children too – in fact, she held them more times than we’d ever seen her hold them before. She bathed them, helped them walk around, and seemed connected to them…but it’s pretty pathetic that someone who claims to be so independent and claims to not want a relationship would hang out with her kids so as to impress her ex-boyfriend.

“When I have a party, it means everything to me to look amazing because I’m asking my friends to come and dress as well.” – Sonja

Sonja threw a masquerade party at Cipriani, and spent the whole week getting a finalist from Project Runway to spruce up a 30-year-old wig and put detailing on a costume for her. We were led into thinking it was going to be a huge extravaganza, with aerialists and tarps and champagne fountains and strawberries covered in cupcakes but when everyone arrived, the guest list only consisted of about 30 people. Jill was very dissatisfied, and Kelly summed it up pretty nicely as being “a costume party in a vault.” Everyone was kind of walking around wondering what the hell they were doing there when they could have been watching James Lipton interview Debra Messing, and as Sonja was walking around and pointing out to everyone all the magnificent wine bottles that were in the vault with them, people saw that her ass was hanging out. Someone eventually said something to her and Sonja suddenly remembered that she left her petticoat in the party bus she rode to Cipriani in. We probably should have assumed something like this would happen because when she arrived at the party, she told people she got drunk on shampoo in the car on thew way over.

“If you can step down the k-9 and the lateral so that when she’s not smiling you only see 2 to 4 teeth instead of 6, I think that would make her happier.” – Jill

Then something weird happened. Cindy took Jill to her cosmetic dentist, and Jill told the dentist how he should change Cindy’s smile. Now, this was a cosmetic dentist, which means he specializes in how teeth look instead of how healthy they are (even though he can do that plaque stuff too, but people don’t go to cosmetic dentists to get their teeth cleaned). These are also the kind of dentists that give you teeth that show even when you’re not smiling, like the ones Cindy already had. So Cindy made an appointment with him to kind of tone down her smile. She invited Jill with her, who essentially told the dentist which teeth to minimize so that Cindy’s smile wouldn’t be so consuming. And after trying on some other kinds of veneers I think, Jill convinced Cindy that she was making the right decision in getting her teeth minimized. I don’t know, that’s the best summary I can come up with. It was just weird. And then Jill told us that even though she doesn’t have an MD after name, she’s still a doctor and her family knows a lot about medicine and that someone who’s supposedly “the best dentist in the world” would be doing himself a favor in listening to her.

“How dare you attack me at your own party!” – Jill

Jill went to a party to celebrate the launching of Ramona’s Pino Grigio, but before Jill showed up, Ramona had a conversation with their mutual friend Jennifer. Jennifer was recently married in a previous episode that was depicted on the show. So at the wine party, Ramona asked Jennifer how her special day went, and Jennifer told Ramona that it was good except for the fact that Jill asked her why she was friends with Ramona. This sent Ramona into a rampage, and as soon as Jill arrived, she accosted her and asked her why she’d ask something like that to their mutual friend. Jill denied ever asking Jennifer that question, and said next time Ramona decides to ask her about whether or not she did something bad, Ramona better make sure she actually did what Ramona was going to accuse her of (which was kind of hilarious within itself because in all the years this show has been on the air, never before has any woman confronted another woman about a rumor before they could find out if it was actually true). Because who does that? Who waits to confront someone about something before they find out if it’s true? Nobody! That’s the point of confronting someone! Anyway, I’m not siding with Ramona, because she’s absolutely insane. She did really attack Jill, and Jill genuinely seems to be trying to repair her relationships with these women. But during their conversation, Ramona started twitching and her eyes looked like gopher eyes and her freckles started moving like ants moving a discarded apple pit to their hut or whatever. So Jill left and cried in the backseat of a car with LuAnn by her side, and Ramona went back to talking to Jennifer inside the party about how screwed up Jill is. Ramona was literally whipping her hair around like Willow Smith and yelling spilling her wine like it was the paint in the “Whip My Hair” video and crying about a woman who showed up to her wine party even though she doesn’t drink wine! Then the episode ended when Jill gave LuAnn another little koala toy she had brought back from Australia and told her to give it to Ramona. And then the sun thankfully set on that day.