S3:E6 “I wanna stay out of the drama and the fighting and the garbage but sometimes, you just get sucked back into it.” – Jill
Upon Jill’s return from Australia, she had lunch with Sonja, LuAnn and Kelly. She arrived at the restaurant with it in her head that if her trip had taught her anything, it was that she should stay away from the gossip, the drama, and all the other stuff that makes these women crazier than pigeons fighting over Cinnabon crumbs. Jill told all the women how much she missed them and how much she thought of them when she was away, and because they were always on her mind she brought them presents. The women got so excited that they were going to receive some kind of extravagant piece of jewelry that was made out of something a scuba diver killed, but instead they got little koala bear clips that they can attach to a pen or, as Jill suggested, their pocketbooks. Sonja immediately conveyed her disappointment by telling Jill she was going to give the toy to her daughter, but then the conversation shifted towards what happened last week at Cindy’s party for herself. LuAnn described how at the party, Ramona tried to talk to Cindy’s brother Howie about something bad she said at a wedding they both attended, and then Jill started waving her hands around and talking about how Ramona leaves dead bodies all over town and grown women crying and it was exactly like the video on Youtube where that parrot sings “let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor.” In an aside, Jill told us she just couldn’t help herself from getting involved in these types of stories again because the other women just suck her into them, and then Kelly chimed in that Ramona sent her a threatening text that was misspelled at 1:30 in the morning and that it was just atrocious, and even though it was so disgusting, she said she was having lunch with Ramona the next day. LuAnn called Kelly a masochist, and then Jill suggested they role-play a little bit so Kelly could get a feel for how Ramona was going to attack her.
“Who is that guy?” –Francois
Fucking Alex and Simon think they’re so much better than everyone else. Alex told us how she prides herself on always doing something original for her sons’ birthdays, and explained how much she loves the piano and how she played it for years when she was a kid, darling, and how much she just loves it so much that she doesn’t even play it anymore. So as we watch Alex and Simon and their two children come back home, the boys hear a piano playing from inside the living room and they ask their parents what’s happening. Simon responds that it’s probably just the iPod, but then the family walked into one of the rooms in their Brooklyn house and found a random guy sitting at their piano and playing it. Alex and Simon got totally excited and put their hands on their knees and did that thing where your knees bump together and your hands cross over each other and alternate kneecaps because they were so excited. Their children, on the other hand, were less than enthused and dealt with their nervous tension by smacking their gum around in their mouths. Alex told Francois to sit next to the guy at the piano and play it with him, and tried to get him excited about it by telling him that “he’s a very special man and he’s here to play for YOU! Isn’t that amazing?” and “hey Francois, this man is part of the New York Foundation for the Arts Young Professional’s program, and you should practice so you can be like him, ya dig?” And then Simon was like, “hey Francois, keep your fingers off the piano. It’s supposed to look like a mirror” and “Happy birthday and all, but… you know.”
“I told Sonja, I was incredibly nervous to meet with you.” – Kelly
Kelly invited Sonja to her lunch with Ramona so if there was any kind of situation, Sonja would be there to smooth it over. Kelly told Ramona that it wasn’t her job to re-write history, that she hated confrontation, and that it was her job to make sure all the women were friends. Ramona eventually apologized for sending Kelly the drunk text that said, “if you can’t support me, I cannot support you,” and Kelly just kept saying she was really concerned about Ramona. Ramona apologized if Kelly was offended by anything she’d ever done, and then went on this rant about how important it is to understand other people because if you don’t understand them, you don’t know where they’re coming from and you need to understand other people.
“There is a pecking order.” – Sonja
Sonja invited Cindy over to her apartment to chat, and Cindy went over there not knowing what was going to be discussed. They sat down to tea and after Sonja changed her outfit in front of Cindy to establish dominance, Sonja told Cindy that everyone was upset they had to drive all the way to Quogue to attend her party. Cindy said she appreciated everyone’s attendance, and Sonja told her not to get too excited because everyone was only there to support Ramona, since she introduced Cindy to the group. Then Sonja demanded to know the story behind Ramona showing up and not having any Pino Grigio at the party. Cindy couldn’t believe Sonja asked her to her house to talk about how there was no wine at her party, and Sonja tried to explain how Ramona Singer cannot even go to the zoo without having some Pino Grigio in a camouflaged canteen strapped across her torso, and that if Cindy wanted to succeed in this world, she must show her appreciation for Ramona for introducing her to the group by gluing little Monopoly hat game piece-sized wine glasses to Ramona’s toes and making sure each of them is always full.
“I’m like, you are all my friends, I love you all, come together and let’s hang out.” – Kelly
After she had tea with Sonja, Cindy took a walk with Kelly through Central Park and told her how Sonja explained that her inclusion in the group was only due to Ramona’s influence over the group, and that Cindy had dues to pay before she could move up the ladder. Then they ran into Jill, who was too busy clutching dog poop and talking to Kelly and Cindy about how it was dark chocolate to notice that her dog had left her life of fabric swatches for some meaty husky.
“I’ve cooked for royalty in my toaster oven.” – Sonja
Sonja had LuAnn and Kelly over to her house and as they entered, Sonja showed them the apron she was wearing and said it was her old butler’s but now it belonged to her. She also showed them her toaster oven, which she’d used so many times in her life that intended to write a cookbook and list all the meals you can make with a toaster oven. She maintained that she’d cooked for the Churchills with it, and other various royal figures, and so she was confident that she could use it to cook a decent meal for her esteemed friends. Sonja began explaining the toaster oven’s history, and said it had survived her divorce from her husband, and how after lost all her maids and chefs, she started using the toaster oven because it allowed her to sit with her daughter while she did her homework without having to sauté things way over at the stove while her only child sat all by her lonesome way over at the kitchen counter. However, as Sonja was preparing some fish and some asparagus for them all to eat LuAnn started micromanaging Sonja’s techniques and Sonja became so frazzled that she didn’t realize that when you cook expensive fish in a toaster oven, it comes out the size of a marble.
“You called my kids animals.” – Alex
The end of the episode consisted of two confrontations: the first was between Jill and Alex at Alex’s house, and the second was between Ramona and Cindy at the Four Seasons. Alex told Jill how much her behavior has hurt her in the last year, and she was particularly upset when Jill told the New York Post that her husband Simon drinks too much. Jill apologized, and stated the truth which was Alex can either forgive her or not, Jill can’t really do anything else than what she’s already done. Then, somehow the conversation shifted to a time when Jill called Alex’s children “animals.” Meanwhile, over at the Four Seasons, Cindy told Ramona that she didn’t appreciate how Ramona stormed into her party in Quogue and immediately demanded to know where the Pino Grigio was. Ramona said Cindy was taking it way too personally, and that maybe the reason she got upset at the party was because she’d been married to her husband for 18 years and her time with him was very precious and she didn’t want to not enjoy herself at a party during one of the very few times when they were together being adults? I don’t know. Pino Grigio deserves a writing credit somewhere.