“I am very softhearted but it’s way down there, it’s hard for it to come out.” – Ramona
All of a sudden, this series is about parties. And it kind of makes sense that it would be, because these women don’t have any issues that a psychic in Morocco can’t solve. So of course they’re celebrating all the time. It’s the way it should be. So this show is now about parties, and it’s not an unrealistic jump for us as an audience to make, because it’s not like we’re busy working on the human genome project at 10 PM on Thursday nights or going to art parties where all the paintings are of auburn colored poodles. No, that’s not us. We’re Housewives people! So the episode started with Ramona meeting Alex and Kelly at some space because she wanted to tell them she was throwing a birthday party for herself and she wanted them to get a sneak preview of what it was going to be like. Ramona told them that since Sonja was so sweet and had no family and was going bankrupt that the party would also be for her birthday, but Ramona was going to keep it a surprise and Kelly noticed that Ramona was starting to tear up because she was so excited to throw Sonja a surprise birthday party. In reality, she was probably just really excited to get 400 people together and make a speech that ends with, “and thank you all for coming to honor Sonja, who currently owes her ex-husband $7.5 million dollars!” Then we went over to a club where Cindy was, and she was celebrating the launch of her new at-home wax kit by having her aestheticians walk around and apply little jewels to the pubic cradles of businessmen and bloggers. Eventually the whole group showed up, including Simon, and he proceeded to pull Jill aside and tell her that he wanted to talk to her about something. Jill was pretty weirded out and asked Kelly if she thought it was a good idea to go meet Simon privately somewhere to discuss something suspicious. Kelly said, “I don’t know, it can’t be more suspicious than putting a jewel that people are supposed to put on their vaginas to cover up this mole of mine I have on my face!” No, she didn’t say that. Eventually, Jill realized she didn’t really want to meet with Simon to talk to him about whatever, so she went up to him and told him that if he had something to say to her, he should say it to her then. Simon then told her he didn’t want to, and that he much preferred that they speak at another time, which Jill said no to again, and then he told her to “watch out.” Jill exited the conversation completely confused and went back to their couch all the way to the side of the club and told Kelly that Simon told her to “watch out.” So Kelly marched over to him and told him to tell Jill whatever he had to say to her right then, and then Simon told her to mind her own business or he would start “mean-Tweeting” her. And I feel like it’s a cop-out to assume that “mean-Tweeting” is something that originated out of one of the many private schools in New York City, because it just as well may have originated when two ski instructors from Steamboat, Colorado started fighting over their clientele.
“Oh my bell! I don’t have any help on the weekends.” – Sonja
We went over to Sonja’s house, and she had a plumber over because her toilet was clogged. She kept making all these typical sexual innuendos that people always make when they’re around plumbers, and her dog was going crazy with excitement because it hopefully meant that it wasn’t going to have to be Sonja’s body pillow that night. Eventually, Sonja just reached into her toilet and pulled out the object that was obstructing the pipes, and it was a Blackberry. Now, I’m not even going to make too much fun of this situation because I have a train to catch at 1:15 to get out of the city for the holiday, but I will say that it’s probably just a big indicator with how dead the publishing industry actually is. After Cindy pulled out the Blackberry from her toilet, her Feng Shui consultant arrived and she told the plumber that she had to answer the door herself because she only had housekeepers on weekdays now and she couldn’t find any of her children who were available to come and help her out that weekend. She took the Feng Shui lady upstairs, where Sonja was told that in order to face prosperity and goodness and have as much glow as a loaf of Wonder Bread, she’d have to tilt her desk slightly one way and completely move everything in her room around. Then they burned white roses and talked to Sonja’s dog about how his hair grows in the wrong direction.
“Jill’s refusal to talk to Simon is a problem.” – Alex
At Alex and Simon’s house, Simon asked Alex if she was mad at him for causing a scene at Cindy’s club between himself and Jill, and Alex said she wasn’t, but that the fact that Simon was feuding with Jill made her wonder why she ever made up with Jill in the first place. And that’s another thing about this show – you never remember what people fought about in the past because they’re always fighting with someone new and you’re all concentrated on the new fight. But then when two people fight about an old fight, everything becomes disastrous and you have no help in deciphering it because everyone else on the planet is out at a restaurant and eating pasta with clam sauce and you’re at home watching this show and during commercials, you play an episode of 30 Rock on your computer.
“You know what? I have to say something to you.” – Ramona
Ramona’s party was very beautiful, and lots and lots of people came to honor the woman whose biggest fear is having people see her blink. When Sonja finally arrived, she was very moved that Ramona had put together the entire party for her, and she started to cry when her friends had lined up along the edge of a carpet and handed her roses. Everything was going really great until Simon and Alex showed up, and everyone started staring at Simon because he came in a leather dress. Then Ramona pulled Jill aside and told her she was upset that when Jill had her hosiery Q&A session, she invited everyone except Ramona. Ramona said she was a businesswoman and it wasn’t very professional of Jill to know that Ramona was a businesswoman and not invite her to the Q&A session. Jill apologized and said it was her partner who didn’t want her there, and then they went their separate ways to acknowledge separate strands of Christmas lights.
“I might have, like, a pancake.” – Kelly
Kelly met Alex for breakfast because Kelly said she wanted to check in with Alex and see how she was handling all the tension between Simon and Jill, but it became clear that Kelly really only wanted to meet with Alex to tell her that her husband really needed to stop mean-Tweeting because it was really hurting her feelings. Alex said that whatever Kelly wanted to say to Simon she should say to Simon and not her, because she and Simon were two different people, even though they have all the same friends, the same enjoyment of seersucker, and the same obnoxious attitude that thinks their kids are so special they’ll appreciate piano lessons for their birthdays. Alex continued to state that if Kelly had an issue with Simon’s tweets, she should talk to him about it because it really had nothing to do with her, and Kelly said if she didn’t do what she wanted, then she was going to stop defending her to the rest of the group and eventually, she would be “iced out” of it. Alex started to get hives on her neck and Kelly did what she did when Alex got upset in Morocco, which was tell Alex that her hives were creeping her out and it would be great if she could stop them. Then they ate pancakes and presumably talked about why people even bother drinking cans of soda.