S4:E16 “I’m thinking, you know, she’s such a classy girl…there are a couple of things you can do to expand!” – Natalie Cole
The season finale of The Real Housewives of NYC began with LuAnn back in the studio, even though they already shot the video for “Chic C’est La Vie” so it’s kind of confusing that they’d be considering changing the song? Anyway, so LuAnn was there and then all of a sudden, Natalie Cole walks in and LuAnn gets star struck. She didn’t introduce herself to Natalie as “The Countess,” which clarifies that her whole thing about insisting that people refer to her as “The Countess” does not apply to celebrities. Anyway, so Natalie said she’d heard LuAnn’s two songs, and essentially said that LuAnn was way too classy to be writing songs about how hard it is to keep your glass of champagne straight when you’re flying in a helicopter that’s being piloted by two King Charles Spaniels. Then somehow, LuAnn mentioned that she was having an anniversary party for her boyfriend Jacques, and that she would love it if Natalie stopped by and for some reason, not only did Natalie say she would come, but she said that she’d even be willing to sing a song. The only condition was that LuAnn would have to sing with her, which was an invitation that of course LuAnn accepted.
“She goes, ‘Mom, why don’t I have a sibling? It’s not too late!’” – Ramona
Alex and Simon went over to Ramona and Mario’s house for dinner, and this was legitimately how their conversation went: Alex said that her sons were pestering her to get a dog, and then Alex asked how old Ramona’s dog was, and Ramona said she got the dog when Avery was 10 so that would make the dog either 7 or 8, and that Avery told Ramona that she could either get a dog or a sibling and so Ramona and Mario got her a dog. But then Ramona said that lately, Avery had been nagging her about having another child. Alex, Simon, AND Mario expressed doubt in Ramona’s statement of a 17 or 18-year-old girl actually trying to facilitate sex between her parents, but Ramona maintained that Avery consistently points out that she could have another baby and that she actually WANTS Ramona to have another baby RIGHT NOW. Now, let me make a few distinctions, as it was not too long ago that I was 17 or 18 years old: Avery doesn’t want her parents to have a second child. As an only child myself, I used to want a sibling when I was younger. But when I got older and my parents asked me if I still wanted a sibling, I said if I got one I would go up to the roof of our New York City apartment building, move the shrubbery that prevents young kids from throwing paper plates over the edge of the building when their parents aren’t looking and jump off the roof. So like good people, my parents didn’t have another child. But in other words, once you’ve been an only child for 17 or 18 years, you really don’t want another sibling. There’s just absolutely no point in it. And so what was really happening with Avery was that she was pointing out how weird it was that her 50-something year old mother could have another baby – but she most certainly wasn’t insinuating that she wanted her mother to have one. Ramona however, in her infinitive capacity for accelerated brainpower, interpreted Avery’s comments as that she was asking for a sibling. But again, Avery more likely meant was that it was weird that people who sell movie tickets were having internal dialogs about whether or not to ask Ramona if she’d like a senior discount while she’s still, technically, able to birth a human. But then something really weird happened: Avery came out of her room and Mario asked her if she’d want a sibling, and then Avery said of course she would. OF COURSE SHE WOULD!? She must have breathed in too many fleas that inhabit the goose down feathers of her North Face puffer vest. And THEN, Avery told Alex and Simon, “my mother still gets her period! She’s so proud of it! That’s what she says to me. She says ‘Avery, you’re so lucky because when you’re my age you’ll still get your period and you won’t have wrinkles and everyone will be so jealous.”
“I’m trying to say this in a nice way, but your personality changes a lot.” – Cindy
Cindy met Sonja at a flower shop downtown somewhere, and Sonja explained that she loves to go down to the flower district to get flowers for her kitchen and tried to bond with Cindy over how it’s almost impossible to make it to the florists when they close at 12 (exaggeration) when the two of them get up at 9:30. Cindy casually tried to say that she doesn’t get up at 9:30, but rather wakes up at 6 because she has twins to watch other people care for. Then when they were sitting down, Cindy told Sonja that she didn’t understand how Sonja sometimes insisted on being respected and being referred to as Ms. Morgan while other times, she just wants to be acknowledged for cooking in a toaster oven and for the ability to pull a BlackBerry out of her toilet herself. Then the incident of Cindy taking a conference call at Sonja’s house over breakfast came up, and Sonja said she couldn’t believe that Cindy wouldn’t leave the room for her call because she had taken time out of her busy schedule to make a meal for Cindy, and she couldn’t understand why Cindy would be so disrespectful to her. Sonja even said she wondered if the reason why Cindy took the conference call in her kitchen was so she would be able to get Sonja’s opinion on a business transaction and that was it for Cindy. She said now that gave her version of the event she’d appreciate it if she could tell her story – and then Cindy said she really took the conference call in Sonja’s kitchen because she thought it would be good for Sonja to see what a professional woman looks like. Sonja nearly shat out the $7 million that she owes her ex-husband out of shock, but then Cindy just got up and left.
“My breasts are huge and they hurt. And the last time they felt that way was when I was pregnant with Avery.” – Ramona
Ramona ventured over to Sonja’s house and immediately upon climbing the stairs to the second floor of the house, Ramona said she was feeling week and exhausted and then opened her shirt to show Sonja her breasts and tell her that she thought she was pregnant. Sonja’s dogs kept following Ramona around everywhere she went, and Sonja said her dogs only follow people around like that when they’re pregnant. Then we were whisked over to LuAnn’s party for herself and her boyfriend of one year, Jacques. It was on a boat, which seemed completely ridiculous and not really classy at all. Anyway, Ramona and Sonja showed up together, both wearing leopard dresses. Jill was pissed because they were half an hour late, and that meant the boat was late to leave the dock and she encouraged LuAnn to say something to them about keeping her guests waiting and preventing the whole group from enjoying the city at night. Eventually, Ramona pulls her husband Mario aside on the boat and told him that her breasts are engorged and that she might be pregnant. Mario asked if she’d taken a pregnancy test yet, and of course she hadn’t because then this would just be a party for LuAnn, and that’s completely unacceptable. And all this time it seemed like Mario was a smart guy. All this time! But unfortunately, Mario didn’t even bring up the possibility that Ramona might be starting menopause, and so instead, the two of them laughed and cried about how absurd it would be if they were parents to a baby when they were in their fifties. Mario asked Ramona if he’d told Sonja and she said she did, so Mario went over to her and whispered in her ear that it was completely impossible for Ramona to be pregnant, and call me crazy, but it’s not a very good sign if your husband says it’s impossible for you to be pregnant. I mean I know that’s what most guys say when they find out their girlfriends or wives could be pregnant, but I think it’s different when a woman is in her 50s.
While all this pregnancy drama was happening, LuAnn was running around the boat so excited because she was about to present Natalie Cole to everyone, and couldn’t wait for everyone to look at her in awe that she pulled off something so huge. But poor LuAnn – her little party for her one-year relationship was completely overshadowed by the possibility that Ramona might be pregnant. The saga continued when Sonja tugged Ramona into the bathroom and whipped out a pregnancy test and tried to make Ramona pee on it, but Ramona was just too nervous and said she hadn’t had enough to drink and that she needed more Pellegrino before she could try again. When they came back out, Jill got upset because neither Ramona or Sonja would tell them what they were doing in the bathroom, and Sonja tried to ease the situation by pointing out how good Ramona looked by saying she was “glowing,” which conveyed the pregnancy plight to everyone instantaneously. As a response, Jill went around and told everyone that Ramona was way too old to get pregnant and LuAnn bumped her performance with Natalie Cole up to try and get everyone to refocus on what the night was really about, which is that LuAnn has been seeing someone for slightly more than 300 days. As soon as LuAnn and Natalie Cole finished their atrocious version of L-O-V-E, Ramona rushed to the bathroom because she’d been drinking so much water and felt she was finally ready to take the pregnancy test. At the end of the episode, Ramona found out that she wasn’t pregnant (surprise!), but unfortunately, she didn’t learn that she’s actually insane.