S4:E12 “I researched them before I hired them, Avery.” – Ramona
Because neither Ramona nor LuAnn had sweet 16 birthday parties, this episode started with both women deciding to throw them for their daughters. We went inside both planning sessions, but first we watched as the people Ramona hired to throw Avery’s party try and talk Avery into having performance artists standing by the doorways as her friends arrived into some loft that’s called LOFT and have things like glo sticks and hamsters in hamster balls lying around. Avery didn’t really like where the direction of her party was going, and so she felt compelled to explain to the caterer how she should fill up the room, but not too much so that people gravitated towards the walls instead of standing in the middle of the room and filling the space out. The caterer nodded and yessed Avery, but you could see in her eyes that she was going to go home to her boyfriend and down nine bottles of Skinnygirl Margarita and yell at her boyfriend for not being richer so she wouldn’t have to plan sweet 16s. The best part was, though, when the caterer started talking about themes and told Avery that she could have her party in the theme of breakdancing. Avery was disgusted and looked down at her necklace and then back at the caterer and it was like, “when was the last time you saw a breakdancer wearing a necklace that has diamonds in bezled settings?” Then we went inside LuAnn’s party planning, and her daughter Victoria wanted something much more low key. She chose to have it in a club called Arena, which had big screen TVs in it and ice sculptures and then she and the planner decided that it would be awesome if the theme of her party was Frost, which was pretty weird because Victoria wears all black and leather jackets and boots and doesn’t really seem like the person to appreciate the beauty of precipitation.
“I wasn’t sure she understood the kind of bankruptcy she was in.” – Jill
Jill invited Sonja to her plastic surgeon’s office so that while Jill was waiting to get her liquid face lift, she could talk to her about her bankruptcy. Jill also invited her sister Lisa along, because she’s an attorney and Jill wanted Lisa to give Sonja some advice on something she’d already done, which was declare bankruptcy. Lisa sat down and asked Sonja to tell her about herself, and Sonja said she was a lover and a gardener and a hostess who had tons of businesses and produced one movie on a $7 million budget that flopped. She also said she was legally divorced, but she was still currently working out how much money her ex-husband was going to give her every month but that the $7 million movie she produced was never made, so it was pretty confusing. Lisa was all like, “well, technically you’re not allowed to declare bankruptcy unless your debts exceed your assets.” And Sonja was like, “well my debts do exceed my assets if you count in the $7.5 million judgment that I got during my divorce.” So apparently Sonja owes her ex-husband that money, and she filed bankruptcy to give herself time to pay it without also having to pay her other debts. This all happened in a plastic surgeon’s office. Then when everyone went inside to watch Jill get needles stuck into her face, the plastic surgeon said “I love doing this. It makes me so happy.”
“It’s almost like being with Jill.” – LuAnn
LuAnn threw a surprise party for Jill at some restaurant that was owned by Josephine Baker’s son and when Cindy arrived at the restaurant, LuAnn started telling her how nervous she was because of how many people were coming and how many of them she had to organize. But this is what LuAnn does – she organizes things and then she gets nervous about them and regrets being responsible for them, but then organizes more events and forgets that she hates doing it. But instead of worrying about the guests, she should have worried about the magician who was turning stress balls into hearts because everyone he did his little trick for was too busy talking to their friends and ignoring him and eventually he got so frustrated that he looked like he was going to turn an Ace of Hearts into a machine gun and blow all the gypsy-looking lamps away. Once Ramona arrived at the party, she and LuAnn started talking about their daughters’ sweet 16 parties and it was one of those competitive conversations where you almost don’t even want to reveal anything to the other person because you know they’re just going to one-up you (“What kind of tire swing do you have?” “Oh, it’s Michelin and it’s tied to a cherry tree.” “Oh that’s hilarious! Mine’s a Michelin too but it’s tied to an orange tree!”) Eventually, they realized their daughters had the same theme (Avery’s was Winter Wonderland and Victoria’s was Frost, but whatever). When Sonja and Alex and the rest of them arrived, Jill walked through the door and was completely surprised to see everyone. She was also really surprised to see Ramona, who ran up to her and grabbed her and hugged her like she was the one who was throwing the party. This pissed off LuAnn, who then felt compelled to go upstairs and put on a teal gown and a teal headdress and sing “It’s Almost Like Being In Love” to Jill. Jill turned to her husband Bobby and said she was so impressed that LuAnn wrote a song for her.
“I’m Jacob, the hypnotherapist.” – Jacob the hypnotherapist
Alex and Simon are so full of shit. If I was in grade school, I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of my history class every single day and bring a Sharpie with me so I could write “Alex and Simon are so full of shit” on the stall’s wall. Anyway, Simon apparently smokes, and Alex hates it, so instead of telling him to man up and just fucking quit, she hired a hypnotherapist to hypnotize his body to stop wanting to smoke. But before anyone was hypnotized Simon explained to Jacob his history with smoking, and he said he’d successfully quit twice before (EVEN THOUGH SMOKING AGAIN MEANS YOU HAVEN’T ACTUALLY QUIT SUCCESSFULLY), and then Simon told Alex he just wanted to go have one more cigarette before he officially quit because he loved his boys so much. As Simon was outside smoking, he was telling himself how the hypnotist had a 60% success rate and he was trying to figure out if that was good or bad, which makes Simon dumber than the guy in the cow costume that hands out ice cream at the local Stew Leonard’s. (Aside: I believe 60% is not that great of a statistic. Would you be happy if your cancer had a 60% chance of coming back, or if 60% of your house was consumed with bedbugs, or if your genes were 60% mutated?) Anyway, so the hypnotherapist began yelling at Simon that he hated smoking and that he was a nonsmoker. Simon eventually woke up and told Alex he wanted to clean his teeth and Jacob the hypnotherapist turned to Alex and said “see? He’s already reacting to the nicotine taste.” And then Jacob left their house in his little puffy FUBU jacket and off to convince someone else that they don’t really have to fuck animals.
“Congratulations, I’m so proud of you.” – Cindy
We then went to Victoria’s sweet 16 party at Arena, and there were aerialists hanging from the ceilings and ice sculptures and house music. When Cindy and Kelly and Jill arrived, they congratulated Victoria for turning 16 and said that in five years, she’d be working for either Marc Jacobs or French Vogue. But they all had to leave pretty quickly because they all had to go to Avery’s party over at LOFT. Once all of them were there, Jill noticed that it clearly wasn’t just Avery’s party because Ramona had invited at least 50 adults, but didn’t have napkins for the sushi. When Ramona asked Jill what Victoria’s party was like, Jill said it was at a club and very clubby and dark. Ramona responded by saying she had the option to do it at a club, but decided against it because she thought a Winter Wonderland with blue lighting and alcohol for the adults would be better for her daughter. As this was happening, Jill’s husband Bobby told Alex’s husband Simon that he heard from someone that Simon was associated with a blog that disparages Jill on a daily basis. Simon denied having any involvement with it, and Bobby kind of got all dead horse head in your bed and counted on his fingers all the things that were important to him and if Simon didn’t agree with them, then he could take his 60% ass somewhere else. Then we got a preview for next week’s episode, which showed Simon going up to Jill and asking if she would meet him to talk about something, and Jill said the way he asked her was weird and she didn’t think they had to meet. Simon told her to “watch out” and then widened his eyes like he couldn’t believe he was just cast in Spamalot. So be sure and come back next week for that!