If you’re reading this post, you’re the sort of person who sees True Blood in a headline and rushes towards it like Andy Bellefleur towards a vial of V. That also means you’ve probably watched enough True Blood to understand one grand frustration: It feels like it takes forever to get anywhere. But there’s a very good reason for that. The series gives every side character a robust storyline, which is great in theory, but in practice, it results in episodes that zip around Louisiana faster than speeding (blurry) vampire. We don’t get to spend any quality time with the characters we truly, deeply care about — and that list is already pretty long without a few fringe faces thrown into the mix.
So here’s my plea: True Blood, I love you, but Season 4 felt like being picked up and shaken like a rag doll. Please, please, slow it down a bit and take a minute to focus on the people we can’t live without (Sookie, Bill, Eric, Pam, Jessica, Sam, Alcide, Jason, Tara, Lafayette — do you see what I mean about the overload?). That means cleaning up some of these unwieldy storylines. And lucky for you, I’ve drafted a list of potential clean-ups. Now be a good supernatural series and help a girl out.
No More Witches
Yes, Holly the waitress is a Wiccan and therefore salt circles and hocus pocus have weaved their way into our lives, but let’s keep it to an innocent minimum. We suffered through Marnie’s season of witchy mishaps because a summer without True Blood is no summer at all, but it’s time to draw the (salt) line. Let Holly go back to her life of practical magic and leave the bloody stuff to the vampires.
Bury Andy Bellefleur’s V Addiction
Sheriff Bellefleur is such a sad sack, but he was always such great source of bumbling comic relief. Of course, he needed V to break out of his cranky, knee-jerk mental box, but he’s done that. He had a V addiction and, thank the Lord Almighty, Terry shook him out of it and now Andy’s better for the whole experience. I beg of you, True Blood, let’s not put Andy into any relapse situations. Let him find happiness with Holly, and they can go back to being reactionary characters when the inevitable vampire and werewolf situation howls out of control.
Just Let Arlene and Terry Be a Happy Couple for Once
The poor Bellefleurs just cannot catch a break. The catalyst for their relationship was based on a wacky sex spell from a crazed maenad. Then their baby was maybe-sort of cursed. When that baby wasn’t cursed, a ghost seemed to think the baby belonged to her. Their house burned to the ground. And now Scott Foley is lurking around Terry ominously and I’m putting my foot down. Leave these crazy kids alone!
Keep Jason in the Vampire-Loving Family
Jason is the cutest. Somehow he’s a total playboy who deserves all the cuddles and warm embraces he can handle. He really is a puppy dog. So yes, he needs some romantic turmoil in his life, but let’s keep it in the vampire circle. We don’t need him going off and getting caught up with any more werepanthers, or weretigers, werelions, and werebears, oh my! We like Jason right in the middle of it all.
Hoyt, You’re Done Dating a Vampire, You Can Sit Down Now
Hoyt is like that dopey kid in elementary school who kept standing long after he answered the teacher’s question. It’s okay, Hoyt. Your turn to talk is over. Kindly return to your chair. Now that he and Jessica are through, he should work through his friendship with Jason and go back to being the Lurch a colorful member of Bon Temps society. (And while we’re at it, let’s lump his mama, Maxine Thortonberry, into that category too.) We don’t need him making any rash decisions and paying for the consequences, capisce?
Keep Lafayette’s Medium Tendencies at Bay
Obviously, now that we know what he is, Lafayette’s ability to commune with the dead will come into play in some fashion. And that’s fine, as long as he doesn’t start meeting more delusional dead mothers and start solving cold cases. He’s a fan favorite, so he needs plenty of screen time, but let’s not turn him into some witchy creature. Lafayette is perfect as the outspoken regular human we know and love.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler.