‘True Blood’ Recap: Get The F**k Off Me or Die (Season 6, Episode 4)

Credit: HBO

As patriotic as it is to get decked out in red, white and blue over this flag-waving Independence Day weekend, we know there’s only one color you actually care about: red. Red as in blood. As in vampire blood. As in the vampire blood that drenches your TV screen as you watch True Blood. Yeah, you get it. 

Well, last night’s episode “At Last” had a whole lot of blood to go around: fairy blood, vampire blood, human blood — you name the blood type, True Blood  has the perfect match for you. Now that your heart’s pumping perfectly, let’s immerse ourselves in the bloody details from this week’s fang-bearing and fairy-blasting episode. 

What the Hell is He?
After last week’s mess left Jason injured, he barely has a pulse and is in serious need of vampire blood. All of a sudden Ben whips out fangs and feeds Jason his blood – wait, what?! Fairies don’t have fangs… But whatever, at least he saves Jason’s life. We wouldn’t be okay without that handsome blonde dumbo gracing our screens every sunday. Am I right or am I right?

Seize Them!
Grandpop Niall and Nora trade secrets about Warlow and Lilith and we learn that Warlow is the only one that can kill Lilith. Niall ain’t got no time for gossip and fairy-blasts Nora, who then gets seized by the governor’s guards. But Nora’s not the only one: after Pam and Tara bicker over where to feed, Pam too gets shot down. Oh snap! Off to camp they go…

Sexy Shifter Sam
With the werewolves on his horsetail — literally, Sam shifts into a horse —  with Lafayette’s help, Sam rescues Emma and drags injured Nicole to safety. Later, Nicole and Sam bond over how s***ty it is to lose people you love… which just makes them want some lovin’ and they start kissing. Bom chicka wah wah!

Credit: HBO

C**k block by Day, Vampire by Night
Despite Pam’s possessiveness, Eric still manages to squeeze out of Tara where she hid Willa. Although Willa’s had more than her fair shot to escape from Eric’s custody, she stayed put to chat with the statuesque vamper about how she’s on his side of her father’s fight. And soon enough, too-sexy-for-his-shirt Eric and virgin Willa hop underground to turn Willa into a vampire. Oh yeah, they kinkily both feed off each other, too. It’s pretty hot, not going to lie. Willa’s all ready to f**k and hunt as a new-born vampire, but Eric has other plans: he sends his second progeny back to her father so he’s forced to face his daughter as a vampire.

AS Sarah Newlin starts seducing Governor Burrell the ultimate c**k block arrives: Willa in all her vampire glory shows up and tells Daddy to stop all his anti-vampire plans if he still loves her, even with her new cold flesh and fangs. Right when the Governor shows a tad of sympathy, Willa jumps to bite him, which compels Sarah to shoot Willa and order Burrell to send his now-dead daughter off to camp. Gah! 

Bill’s Party (Come And Get It)
After, Andy Bellfleur’s fairy daughters snoop around Terry’s head and torment him for killing Patrick, the fairy foursome sprout into trouble-seeking teens – they even steal daddy’s sherif mobile and zoom off to grab some beer… but of course they have no IDs. No big! Jessica barges in and glamours the clerk to sell the girlies some brew. Jessica even invites the chicks over for a party at ole Bill’s mansion. 

Bill seduces the fairy sisters into giving him a vial of their magical blood, which Bill then hands over to his new captive, Professor Takahashi, to synthesize. The four girls get testy and want to go home from Bill’s not so poppin’ party after they get spooked out about him drawing their blood. Jessica sweetly tries to convince them to stay, but when her gentle words don’t have enough bite she literally bites ’em instead — and accidentally ends up killing them all. Well done, Jessica. Well done.

Credit: HBO

Wet Dreams
With Ben’s blood in his veins, Jason starts having wet dreams about the mysterious vamp. As Jason worries about his gay dreamy visions of Ben, Grandpa Niall reads his mind and determines Ben is a fairy-vampire. Aha! 

Jason and Niall go to Ben’s place to shoot him down but they got nothing on this fairy-vamper, who blasts Niall and glamours Jason to forget he ever came over and to bid farewell to Grandpa. After force-feeding Grandpa Niall his blood, Ben gains a british accent and throws him off into a portal. Behold: Ben is actually Warlow. But hey, at least he has great arms! 

At Last
After Ben sloppily left behind a droplet of his vampire blood, clever Sookie uncovers the dead truth that he’s not just your average fairy-dude. Yet, she invites Ben over for dinner. Romantic, eh? Well, not so much considering how she sprinkles silver on his fried chicken. Sookie tries to get Ben to come clean about his vampireness, but he instead just goes on some bulls**t rant about how she gets him. With “At Last” blaring in the background, Sookie and Ben start making out and dry humping right before Sookie powers up her lethal fairy ball and threatens, “Get the f**k off me or die, Warlow.” Sookie, you are one badass chick.

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