Quickly enough, the varied rage-aholics comprising Vice President Selena Meyer’s immediate staff have eased back into their insult- and obscenity-spouting M.O.s, churning out a whole bunch of hostility in the second episode of the stellar comedy’s Season 3. This week, Selena faces the stresses of having to choose a new stance on abortion in light of her POTUS’ quick shift toward the pro-life side. Naturally, the high-tension situation brings out a lot of colorful language in her crew. But who topped the lot with the harshest one-liners?
7. Secretary of the In-terror: JONAH
“Old Media like the Washington Toast better run and hide in the bathroom and join the Poo York Times.”
“F**k HuffPo. They should be called ‘PuffHo,’ because Ariana Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces.”
…you horrible idiot.
6. Abhor-ney General: SUE
“[Selena] is on the Coast Guard boat. Meeting and greeting fish.”
Self-explanatory. Somehow a much funnier line than it sounds like it would be.
“I don’t need an enhanced roll to know my worth, Gary.”
After Gary explodes with giddiness over his being asked to handle a task over Sue.
5. Secretary of Offense: BEN
Responding to Selena’s sarcastic quip about the existence of an “I don’t give a s**t” lobby:
“You’re looking at him. I’ve got posters, buttons… not really. Because I don’t give a s**t.”
“I can’t get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it go away.”
What do you even make of this?
“It would take a brain about this size
Mocking Gary’s display of fruits representing the sizes of fetuses at different stages of gestation.
“I’m going home. If anybody needs me, I don’t care.”
A classic, always.
4. Secretary of Treachery: MIKE
“Walt, Randal, this is Sasquatch. The edible garbage is out back.”
Introducing his new stepsons to Jonah.
“‘Copy Cat Selena,’ that’s what they’ll say. ‘Me Too Meyer.’ ‘S**t for Brains.'”
Predicting the public’s antagonism for Selena’s decision to mimic the abortion cut-off of another candidate.
3. Secretary of Hate: SELENA
“It begins here. In this Polish dungeon.”
Selena’s grinning dismissal of her Maryland campaign office.
“I can’t identify myself as a woman. People can’t know that. Men hate that. And women who hate women hate that… which, I believe, is most women.”
Regrettable bonus points for putting down her gender as a whole.
“You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?”
To Mike, about Jonah.
“I can’t listen to that Joan Crawford b**ch about Bette Davis anymore.”
In the parameters of this insult, Ben is Joan Crawford and Kent is Bette Davis.
“I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the f**k out of you. Should I print that up on a t-shirt that I can give to you?”
Said to Dan, following his outburst over her inability to make a decision on the abortion issue. It’s at once horrifying, condescending, and hilarious.
2. Vicious Vice-President: AMY
“You just gonna sit there, SpongeBob?”
Mocking Dan for his seasickness. It’s not so much the insult itself, but Amy’s ability to make such a banal joke so pointedly mean that wins her points here.
“Tell Mike to climb off his wife and get on speakerphone now.”
I’m picking up on a very subtle undercurrent that everybody hates Mike’s new wife. Or at least the idea of another human being entering their lives in a personal capacity.
“Jesus, what a talking gas giant. It’s like listening to Jupiter.”
“Moving on, and Dan may be quite soon…”
Immediately following Selena’s threats to oust Dan from his job. The callousness of her noting that Dan might actually get fired is what makes this such a gem.
“Go home. Take an ambien. Take 50.”
Said to Dan. Jeez, Amy really hates Dan.
“‘Twenty-two-and-a-half Weeks’ sounds like an erotic thriller.”
Putting down Gary’s suggestion for an abortion cut-off. She could have just said ‘no’ … but she’s an artist.
1. The President of Put-Downs: DAN
“You don’t announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That’s like trying to bang the widow at the funeral.”
Putting down Gary’s suggestion that Selena tell the world she’s running for president. He could have just said ‘no’ … but he’s a wizard.
“That s**t-shoveled-faced-f**kin’ Jonah.”
I don’t even know what this means.
“I am going to rip your guts out of your tiny, shriveled little Chihuahua c**k.”
“Hey, Ugly Betty, give me that burrito.”
To Jonah’s friend.
“If you say anything about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely you will end up normal height.”
But Dan’s real genius comes in the nonverbal form this week, blowing up at Selena to the point of physical tremors and shoving aforementioned burrito into Jonah’s face as a symbol of his menace. Both are sights to behold from the usually stoic-to-the-point-of-soulless Dan.
NICE THINGS GARY SAID
“Every angel needs an archangel!”
In this scenario, he’s the angel and Selena is the archangel. Gary… you weirdo.