‘What Would Ryan Lochte Do?’ Here is a List.

Credit: Don Juan Moore/E!

What Would Ryan Lochte Do? It’s the question on the lips of babes — and I don’t mean tiny babies, my friend. In a truly head-scratching move (even for them), E! has given the 11-time Olympic Medalist, swimmer Ryan Lochte a show. About all the things he does when he’s not in the pool. Like, eat food, talk to his family, talk to his friends, and go out to bars. It’s a real warzone out there for a doesn’t-call-himself-a-player (he just doesn’t have to try). And he wants you all to know all about it — all of it. Every single mouth-gaping-say-wha moment, exposed in all its banally-goofy glory. 

Luckily for those who miss the early days of celeb-centric reality (think Newlyweds with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey — also, who are you?), that void of goofy, over-the-top stupidity (USA! USA!) has been filled by Lochte — and he straddles a great divide. He is the walking embodiment of a frat bro stereotype without the awareness. You cannot really call Lochte a douchebag because that would require some sort of higher analytical thought process that he really, really doesn’t have: he’s just being himself. Sort of charmingly clueless, but not wholly appealing since he’s also totally cocky. 

Never was this duality more clearly seen than when Lochte discussed his hot-to-trot dating life. The 28-year old college student at the University of Florida in Gainsville, is both desiring the conquest and to be conquered: he’s ready to settle down… but not soon, evidenced by his heavy dating habit. At one point he looks genuinely perplexed by his sister’s horror over the fact that he takes all of his dates (in a gossipy college town) to the same table at the same sushi restaurant.

And yet the question remains: What would Ryan Lochte do? Well, he would…

– Play flag football.

– Make fun of and prank his little brother/roommate Devon.

– Have fun.

– “Eat, sleep, swim.”

– Not wear his shirt much.

– Ask, in earnest, the question: “What is a douchebag? What’s the definition of it? Like, I really don’t know what it means. Do you know?”

– Want to “turn it up tonight!”

– Tell a ballet dancer that she doesn’t know how to dance when she stands on her toes.

– Really ensure that he will “Turn it uuuuuuuuuuuup!”

– Not consider himself a player. Or know what the definition of the word is, really.

– Not remember how many Olympic medals he’s won even though he only went to the Olympics twice.

– 30 – 45 minutes of “straight abs.”

 – Go bowling with his family at a place called “Splitz.”

– Tear up at the mention of his family supporting him at the Olympics (aww, OK, we’ll give you that one, Lochte).

– Be called “some kind of idiot or something” by his sister.

– Date a girl who’s never eaten sushi before, or know what a wonton is.

– Talk about shoes.

– Tell the world his favorite movie is What Women Want. (Because the world wants us all to be happy.)

– Declare “If I could read women’s minds, I’d be king of the world.”

– Take all of his dates to the same table at the same sushi restaurant. Every time.

 – Wear a shirt (it did happen!) that says “Listen to Ryan Lochte.”

– Pretty much do anything. Because he wouldn’t know any better. And he doesn’t understand the question.

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