Ratings soar when the popular TV show Cop Drama uses the word “sh*t” on national television. The network decides to make further use of the word, resulting in a mysterious plague sweeping the nation. It's up to the boys and Chef to help save the world.
The boys go to their first night as Cub Scouts, where they discover that Big Gay Al is their troop leader. Al is thrown out of the Scouts when it is acknowledged that he is gay, so he files a lawsuit. The boys come to his defense, with the help of the new “handi-capable” kid, Jimmy; however, both Timmy and Jimmy believe that there is only room for one disabled Cub Scout and they start fighting with each other.
The boys discover the “magic” of David Blaine, but Stan finds out that he isn’t all that he seems to be. He tries hard to convince the others that they have been brainwashed. Stan, with help from Jesus and a few of Jesus’ best friends, take on Blaine and his followers in a showdown at the nation’s capital.
Scott Tenorman tricks Cartman into buying his pubic hair for $10. When Cartman can’t get his money back, he vows to get his revenge using a wiener-biting pony, the band Radiohead and ultimately Scott Tenorman’s parents.
After the boys promise to get Terrance and Phillip to perform at the Earth Day festival being held in town, they find out that the pair has broken up. Now they need to reunite them.
Cartman inherits one million dollars, which allows him to fulfill the dream of owning his own amusement park that he calls “Cartmanland.” Upon hearing the news of Cartman’s good fortune, a hemorrhoid erupts in Kyle’s ass, causing him to question the existence of a God who can make someone like Cartman happy.
The children are subjected to sex education classes after Stan demonstrates some of his “handy” work in front of his parents. The kids are being taught by the unlikely pair of Ms. Choksondik and Mr. Mackey, who because of their own sexual inadequacies leads to a battle of the sexes between the girls and boys of the class.
The boys get a new video game system and plan to play it for the entire weekend, but their plan is interrupted when they meet Towelie, a genetically-engineered towel created by the government. When the government finds out the boys know about Towelie, they steal their game system, which the boys stop at nothing to get back.
In the wake of the terrorist attack on the United States, the boys find themselves accidentally sent to Afghanistan, where they encounter their Afghani counterparts and try to understand why they hate Americans. While they are there, they also take on the Taliban and Bin Laden himself.
Cartman blows his “funny fuse” after he gets Kenny’s “cheeky” school picture printed on the side of milk cartons as a missing child. An unusual couple from Wisconsin comes to town, thinking that the photo might be that of their long lost son.
Kyle’s cousin comes to town, and after Kyle sees how stereotypically Jewish his cousin is, he worries about how Cartman is going to react when he meets him. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison invents an alternative form of transportation that requires the rider to use more than just their hands and legs to control it.
Token combats being the only rich kid in town by getting another rich family to move to South Park. When Will Smith and his family decide they like it there, he calls a few friends and soon the town is swarming with rich folks. Not liking the direction their town is heading, the poor folks of South Park start to fight back.
Cartman comes into possession of a truckload of fetuses that he can’t sell thanks to a recent government ruling on stem cell research. When Kenny is diagnosed with a terminal illness, Stan has trouble dealing with it, but Cartman uses it to lobby Congress to restore stem cell research so he can grow his own Shakey's Pizza.
Butters finds out what his father has been up to late at night, and when his mother hears, she overreacts by trying to kill Butters and then herself back at home. After returning home and forgiving her husband, they spin a story to the media to cover their tracks. Meanwhile, Butters obsesses with returning home so that he can join his parents for an anniversary dinner at Bennigan’s.