The boys decide to fatten up Butters so that he can lose weight by eating at their favorite restaurant like Jared, the Subway sandwich guy. Jared, who is making an appearance in town, reveals the real secret to his weight loss: he has "Aides."
While their parents are being sold time shares, the boys are out on the slopes of Aspen. Stan is challenged to a ski race which he must win to save the youth center, get the girl and free some Indian spirits a la the ski movies of the 1980s.
The boys learn that disfigured people get prizes for appearing on the Maury Povich Show, so they sign Butters up. When the prize he gets can’t be shared, Cartman has his mother join him on a segment called, "Please Help My Out-of-Control Child."
The boys learn where veal comes from and decide to save the calves by hiding them in Stan’s room, where they all intend to stay until the calves are guaranteed their safety. During the siege, Stan develops symptoms of an illness caused by his new vegan diet.
The boys have to sit through "The Russell Crowe Show" in order to see the premiere of the trailer for the new Terrance & Phillip movie. Meanwhile, Chef’s new TV has taken on a life of its own.
Butters isn’t working out as their new best friend, so Cartman, Kyle and Stan decide to fire him and hold auditions for his replacement. Now an outcast, Butters becomes a super-villain with plans to cause chaos wherever he goes.
Butters (in the guise of Professor Chaos) is having trouble coming up with a plan to destroy the world that The Simpsons haven't already done.
Father Maxi is concerned with all the molestation claims that have been placed against the Catholic Church recently. After most of his parishioners turn to Atheism as an answer, he travels to the Vatican to get some answers.
The boys go out to see the new edition of Star Wars: Episode V. During the previews they find out that the movie studios are planning on re-releasing more movies with digitally enhanced effects. In an effort to stop this injustice, they go off to find Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. Meanwhile, the people of South Park crusade to free a convicted baby killer named Hat.
When Bebe starts "blossoming into womanhood," the boys in South Park start to revert to Neanderthal-like creatures that fight for her affection. The girls are no help either as they constantly call Bebe derogatory names.
After a kidnapper attempts to abduct Tweek, a series of breaking news events related to child abductions worry the town's parents. They decide to barricade themselves behind a great wall to protect their children, which the local City Wok owner has the skills to build.
Stan, Kyle and Cartman win all the candy they can eat in a contest. There's just one problem: Kenny had the ticket. Now to get their prize, the boys have decided to build a ladder to Heaven in order to get the ticket back from their dead friend.
The boys embark on an epic quest to return The Lord of the Rings to the Two Towers video store, but their parents try to stop them as they've left their "precious" porno in the case.
After Mr. Garrison has a meeting with Principal Victoria, he realizes that he can make a lot of money if he gets fired for being gay. He hires a new assistant, Mr. Slave, and performs lewd acts in front of his class. The boys complain to their parents and are taken to the Museum of Tolerance, where they are taught that it is wrong to discriminate against people.
Stan wages a one-man war against psychic John Edward after he talks with Kyle, who believes he's meant to go to Jewleeard, a prestigious school. Meanwhile, Chef takes Cartman to see John Edward to help with Kenny's soul being inside him. Realizing he's of little help, they leave for Scotland to see Chef's parents.
The boys find a discarded joint and think that just by touching it, it will turn them into junkies and ruin their lives. Stan tells them not to believe everything they're told and throws the joint away. Soon after, a man from the future claims to be Stan, and that his life was ruined by drugs.
In an effort to redeem himself days before Christmas, Cartman decides to bring Christmas to the Iraqis. The boys catch a ride with Mr. Hankey to the North Pole and, with the help of Santa and Jesus, successfully bring Christmas to Iraq.