When Jordan is forced into religious study, the family has to pay for their transgressions.
Bernie takes on Matt Damon in golf for a charity tournament.
When Bryana loses her favorite doll, Bernie makes an emergency midnight run to retrieve it.
Bernie and Jordan find that participating in the neighborhood carpool complicates their lives.
When the children go on strike to demand an increase in allowance, Bernie hires other kids from the neighborhood to do their work.
Bernie has to cope with both Jordan's homework assignment of taking care of a snake and, on top of that, Bryana's demands for a pet of her own.
Against her better judgment, Vanessa lets Bernie accompany her to a father-daughter dance.
Eating his undercooked personal turkey induces two feverish hallucinatory dreams in Bernie. The first is claymation and the second dream is homage to the Twilight Zone episode "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet."
Bernie tries to get Wanda to follow his lead in parental duties.
When Bernie finds out he has to diet, he turns to his neighbor to sneak him good food.
Bernie lands in hot water when he ruffles Wanda's boss's feathers at a dinner party.
Jordan develops his first infatuation and tries to win the girl over with some newfound prestidigitation skills.
Bernie goes all out trying to help Vanessa win an election and Jordan complete his school project.
When Bernie takes the kids to the movies, they hop from a children's movie to something more risque and it interferes with his trip to Vegas.
Bernie's personal issues with Chris Rock build to a climax at the Tonight Show.
Bernie uses his knowledge of chess strategy to stay ahead of the children's demands, but Jordan really wants a paintball gun.
Bernie discovers the joys of bulk purchasing so that the only thing he starts to run out of is space.
Bernie reluctantly hires a maid, but is impressed by her work ethic. He's afraid that the kids are get off too easily with her doing their work so he allows her to treat them as if they were her own.
Bernie thinks that signing the kids up for activities will stop them from wasting their youth, but doesn't realize that, in doing so, he's signing himself up for those activities as well.
Bernie's free spirited sister Benita visits and throws the household into disarray.
Wanda's parents come to town and stage a takeover of Bernie's house and family.
Bernie brings Jordan's birthday party's attendance up by bribing attendees.