Sarah has a cold and turns to some drowsy-strength cold medicine for a cure. When she parks her car in the middle of a playground, her sister Laura has to bail her out of jail, where she meets Officer Jay.
Sarah takes in a homeless man who, as a result of her coarse manner, winds up turning on her. Meanwhile, Brian works on his kung-fu skills and becomes a surprisingly awesome karate guy.
Sarah gets an AIDS test to make herself feel better, but in disclosing her sexual history, she realizes that good news might not be waiting for her; Jay confesses he's never had a birthday party, so Laura decides to throw him one.
Sarah becomes the guardian of a little girl so that she can participate in a beauty pageant. Thing is, Sarah has always wanted to win the same beauty pageant, but now that she's far too old to qualify, she intends to use the little girl to experience the victory vicariously.
Sarah explores lesbianism after developing an attachment to Jay's new lesbian cop partner; Brian and Steve engagement in a game of one-upsmanship after Steve encourages Brian to try something new -- in this case, the soft drink Tab -- and Brian turns his resistance of the idea into a passive-aggressive attack against being pushed.
Sarah's remote control needs new batteries, so she goes to the store to buy some. But that trip becomes an adventure when she has to circumnavigate a wheelchair marathon route, accidentally poops herself trying to fart and sees God, and winds up stealing the batteries when she doesn't have enough cash.