Author

Alicia Lutes
Staff Writer Alicia Lutes is a corgi enthusiast from Connecticut living in Los Angeles. She loves Tina Fey, television, ugly things and really money cheese plates. Growing up, her grandfather frequently said, "you’re so god-damned good with words! You should do something with words with your life!" so she made it her quest to plaster her wordy witticisms across the Internet. She looks forward to retiring at the age of 80 and opening a fromagerie with a small army of wrinkly-faced and stumpy-legged dogs.
  • Charlie Sheen is Going to be President
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 21, 2012
    My fellow Americans, the POTUS has landed, and it's definitely not Obama. I am here today to inform you of the grave and serious news that a one mister Charlie Sheen has been cast to lead this fair country as the President of the United States. But wait! Don't freak out...it's only for a movie. Alright, are you done laughing yet? It actually has the potential for greatness--hear me out!--as this is the President in the world of Robert Rodriguez's Machete Kills, the sequel to his grindhouse film Machete. The two announced the casting (as you do when it's something as presidential) via Twitter, natch. "I just cast Charlie Sheen in #machetekills as the President of the United States! Who better? More soon..." tweeted Rodriguez this evening. Sheen, in his retweet, added a simple "My Fellow Americans!" to share his excitement. In the movie, Machete (Danny Trejo is reprising his role), is drafted by the government to track an arms dealer through Mexico before he launches a big scary weapon. Does that mean that Sheen is hoping that he'll be (Warning! Terrible Charlie Sheen jokes ahead!) #winning the race with Machete under his control? I wonder if there's tiger blood involved (I'm so sorry, you guys.) Our boy Charlie here isn't the only controversial fellow to be cast in Machete Kills; he is joined by Mel Gibson who will play a character named Luther Voz (not to be confused by Luther Vandross, though...I think). Sheen joins a long line of characters of a varying sort who've played presidents in the past. And while Sheen is certainly no William Hurt, or Morgan Freeman (or my personal favorite faux-president, Bill Pullman in Independence Day), it is a fairly solid choice for the exploitation-style in which this film will be shot. Because let's face it: when it comes time for the President to smoke a cigarette and aggressively swear with a fist-beat to the table, you know Charlie's going to nail it in the most absurd way possible--which is the point! Besides, Charlie already acts like he runs the free world; might as well give him faux-reign, for a few minutes there, right? What do you think about the casting of the world's favorite warlock in the role of el presidente? Who's your favorite fake President? Let us know in the comments! [Deadline] [Image Credit: Robert Rodriguez's Twitter] Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: Mel Gibson Joins 'Machete Kills': Can Robert Rodriguez Redeem Him? Charlie Sheen: 'Dave Chappelle cost me my Two and Half Men job' Sofia Vergara in 'Machete Kills': Prepare for New Levels of Accentry Charlie Sheen
  • 'Jurassic Park 4': Let's Get Prehistoric!
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 20, 2012
    Well here's hoping this isn't a Tyrannosaurus Wreck! (I'll be here all night, folks.) It's being reported that the world's favorite movie about dinosaurs ever (I don't care what you Land Before Time fans say; Little Foot was such a wimp.) has confirmed itself a set of scribes to get the script rolling on the sequel.     Universal has officially tapped two writers to helm the script on Jurassic Park 4; Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver (who previously wrote Rise of the Planet of the Apes together. The movie will (of course) be produced by Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, however it is being reported that Spielberg won’t direct this one as he did the others. Either way it sounds totally Juras-sick (here we go again) and no doubt fans of the first three films will be waiting velocirapturously (too much?) for more news! A quick request, though: obviously Sam Neill needs to come back (there is no Jurassic Park without Dr. Alan Grant), but if there's any way to get Jeff Goldblum back in this thing as well, that would be damn-near evolutionary (yep, I'm just going to keep doing this) and totally the tricera-tops! (sorry I'm not sorry). If you can't wait for your dino-fix, have no fear: the 3D version of the original film is slated to hit theaters on July 19th, 2013. [Deadline] Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: Kathleen Kennedy lands job as Lucas' replacement SDCC 2011: Spielberg Confirms Jurassic Park 4 The 11 Most Bizarre Movie Deaths Jurassic Park
  • Carly Rae Jepsen: New Song, New Meme Potential?
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 20, 2012
    Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's a new song, so listen maybe? That's right! Teen pop song perfectress Carly Rae Jepsen is trying to beat the one-hit wonder beat by hitting us with a new song that is pretty up there on the "Summer's Guilty Pleasure" catchiness scale. The tune also features the so-far one-hit wonder Owl City whose song "Fireflies" topped the Billboard charts in 2009. Jepsen's newest attempt at pop world domination includes such lyrics as "We don't even have to try/ It's always a good time" and "It doesn't matter when!/ It's always a good time then," which are decidedly less hilariously creepy when taken out of context (unlike the lyrics to "Call Me Maybe" which, I don't have to type them out, do I? No one here lives under a rock, right? Well all know this song by heart, don't try to act like you don't). What does this mean for the viral potential of the track? Well, we're still undecided--perhaps this will make way for some sort of sad person/"good time" image macros? Go forth, meme gods, and conquer!--but check out the tune below and let us know what you think. And, you know, we'll just leave that "Call Me Maybe" video below, too, in case you want to listen to it again (we promise we won't tell anyone. Pinky swear)! Do you think Carly Rae's new tune is meme-worthy? Let us hear all about it in the comments! [Huffington Post] [Image Credit: WENN.com] Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: Carly Rae Jepson Covered by a Corgi: The 4 Craziest 'Call Me Maybe' Covers Carly Rae Jepsen Performs 'Call Me Maybe' With Jimmy Fallon, The Roots — VIDEO President Obama (Sort Of) Covers ‘Call Me Maybe’ — VIDEO
  • Kristen Stewart Tops 'Forbes' Highest Paid Actress List
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 20, 2012
    Well maybe this will give her something to smile about (finally!): Kristen Stewart has topped this year's Top list of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood. Homie say what?! I know! But it makes sense when you get into the details. Regardless of hers (or anyone's) opinions of the Twilight film series, Stewart made herself indespensible in a worldwide mega-blockbuster films. That means, when movies two and three rolled around, she was able to ask a pretty penny for her turn as Bella Swan, clumsy lover of sparkly vampires. And let's be serious: at this point, no one else could play the part. If the studio tried to replace her, they'd have worse than the press to answer to, they'd have to answer to the twihards, which is way more intense of a firing squad. So this means she was able to pull in a reported $12.5 million for the next two films — the same as the male leads Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner —on top of the money she made from Snow White and the Huntsman. Which put her at the top of the Twilight heap, financially, and also made her the youngest lady on the list by at least sixteen years. It's rumored that Kristen Stewart made $34.5 million in the last year. (Hopefully someone is totally splurging on a new pair of Converses this weekend!) The movie industry is no different than most in America, though, where women are still paid less than men. The ten actresses who made up the list earned $200 million combined, compared to the $361 million brought in by the top ten dudes. The other ladies on the list include Cameron Diaz at No. 2 with $34 million, Sandra Bullock at No. 3 with $25 million, Angelina Jolie at No. 4 with $20 million, and Charlize Theron at No. 5 with $18 million. What do you think of this list? Are you surprised by any of the ladies included (or not included)? What do you think Kristen Stewart should do with that sweet $34.5 million? That sure is a lot of money to... sink your teeth into, har har har! Should I ask her to borrow a couple thousand? Do you think she'd mind? Let us know what you think in the comments below! [Forbes] [Image Credit: Universal] Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: Kristen Stewart Is Pissed: A Glimpse of 'Breaking Dawn: Part 2' — TEASER Leonardo DiCaprio Tops Forbes' List of Highest-Paid Actors Lohan, Kardashian and Hilton top Forbes list of Most Overexposed Celebrities Forbes Highest-Paid Actresses
  • Johnny Depp Is Single: The World We Live In Now
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 19, 2012
    If you are a human between the ages of sixteen and dead, you probably heard the news today: Johnny Depp is now single. Listen, sit back down. I know. Here's a tissue, have a seat. Just calm down. Keep reading, it's going to be OK, I promise. As we reported on earlier, the movie star and his longtime partner Vanessa Paradis have split up after fourteen years together. They were, to many, a couple in it for the long haul and seemingly built to last. As a culture largely built on observing the lives of other people, there are certain couples that seem unshakeable. When they fall, we fall (to pieces). The Depp/Paradis split is just one in a long line of celebrity breakups that has induced stress, anger, confusion, and even depression in the lives of many. As an American who loves my country and the people that inhabit it, I only want to see what's best for you. These breakups can be difficult for everyone, and therapy is very expensive. So I'm here today with my very scientific and factual Celebrity Breakup Acceptance Kit. I talked to real scientists and a guy named Doc who lives on the corner of Hollywood and Highland today and formulated a fool-proof plan for your celebrity breakup needs. We'll get through this: together. After having gone through the breakups of Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (1986 - 2009), Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe (1997 - 2007), and of course Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (1998 - 2005), it may feel like love doesn't live here anymore. I promise that it does (Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, if you ever break up, though, my world is going to collapse)! If you follow my fool-proof eight-step-program below, you will be able to easily and effectively get over the breakup of your favorite celebrity couple. Supplies List: A six-pack of tissues A Sleepless in Seattle DVD A Kill Bill DVD The blanket-cape of your choice 3 pints of ice cream (Go ahead and get the full-fat. This isn't the time to worry about calories) 4 bottles of your booze of choice (If you are of age only, obviously! Otherwise replace with shirley temples. Tell them to go heavy on the maraschinos.) Nutella and pretzel rods A small dog (or cat if dog is unavailable) to talk to and hold A weekend Step One: Close curtains It's better to feel these feelings alone, in the dark. Step Two: Assemble Snacking Station Get it all out there: the Nutella, the ice cream, the pretzel rods. Put it in a place that is easily accessible from your favorite couch nook. Step Three: Apply blanket/Slanket/Snuggie Item Don't be afraid to wear it backwards, either. Just do what feels right. Step Four: Sleepless in Seattle This needs no explanation. Step Five: Drink Booze for you olds, shirley temples for the youths. Drown the sorrows. Don't forget to top yourself off! Step Six: Cry It's OK, just let it out. Breathe in and out and just remember that everything in life happens for a reason. Step Seven: Get the F**k Over It This was fun and all, but like, it's not really you life, right? Why are you all upset about people you don't actually know in real life? Step Eight: Acceptance Realize this sweet little set-up we just got you into is actually exactly what you'd like to be doing right now anyway, change the movie over to Kill Bill, and have a real great time eating, imbibing, and watching a good movie! See? All cured! I've heard this is exactly what Kate Moss and Winona Ryder did when the Deppster broke it off with them, too. But seriously: don't EVER think about breaking up, Tom & Rita, or the meaning of love will cease to exist. Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis Officially Split Sarandon and Robbins Part Ways Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon Marriage Officially Over
  • Some Ideas for the New 'Sesame Street' Film
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 19, 2012
    If you need to know how to get to Sesame Street, why not ask an executive at 20th Century Fox? The studio has allegedly picked up the movie rights to the children's favorite and long-running television show for a new feature-length adaptation of the street that taught most of America's children their ABC's, 123's and the right way to tickle an Elmo (note: it does not ideally include a Katy Perry). The well-known series premiered in 1969 and features the amazing puppetry work made famous by Jim Henson. The series is well-known for its larger (sometimes literally!)-than-life characters like Snuffaluffagus, Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster, Bert and Ernie, and Elmo. The show has aired all over the world, and is beloved by children everywhere. This is not the gang's first time on the big-screen: in 1985 there was Follow That Bird and 1999 saw Elmo's own feature in The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland. Since Elmo and Big Bird have already had their fun, may we oh-so humbly suggest that Bert and Ernie get a go-around this time? What about Grover? Or, perhaps take it in a bit more of an adult direction, shall we? We all remember the news last month where it was revealed that Sesame Street music was used as a torture device, so why not get on the action-packed summer blockbuster bandwagon? We can all it Elmo Goes Gitmo. Elmo will star as an undercover CIA operative set-up to take the fall for a series of heinous war crimes. Forced behind enemy lines and taken prisoner in Guantanamo Bay. Determined to not let the odds get him down, and using his cheer and goodwill towards men, Elmo goes rogue; slowly drives the captives insane with his singing and generally positive demeanor. He manages to get confessions from the highest terror cells, and clears his name. It co-stars Harrison Ford and Jason Statham. All I'm saying is think about it, Fox. Just think about it. We have reached out to Fox for further comment. [The Hollywood Reporter] [Image Credit: Sesame Street Workshop] Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: Torture Me Elmo: 'Sesame Street' Songs Reportedly Used To Crack Gitmo Detainees Katy Perry Evicted From ‘Sesame Street’ 'Sesame Street' Nails 'Glee' With New Parody
  • 'Stars Earn Stripes': Boot Camp or Bait?
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 19, 2012
    "Americans are really about two things: supporting our troops and reality shows. So why not combine the two and have Mark Burnett produce it, right?" - A quote some executive at NBC probably maybe hypothetically said at one point. And so it was done, and they even brought Todd Palin around, since he hates being on TV as much as the rest of his family! Stars Earn Stripes is the name of the new show from the Survivor producer, and features a veritable smorgasbord of pseudo-celebs trying to win money for military-based charities. Joining the former First Dude on his quest will be Laila Ali, Dean Cain, Terry Crews, Nick Lachey, Picabo Street, and Eve Torres. Hosting the whole shindig will be former presidential candidate Wesley Clark (I know), along with Dancing With The Stars' Samantha Harris. The show is made up on challenges meant to "test themselves as they step up to take on these tough challenges," explained Clark in a statement from NBC. "This new series pays tribute to members of our dedicated armed forces and civil law enforcement and I know that the winnings, which will be donated to first-responder charity and veterans' groups, will make a difference and send an important message." So how does it work, you ask? Well the contestants are shipped off to an allegedly super-secret military training facility, where they will be given a coach that guides them through the competition. Each week someone will be eliminated. "Our cast is ready to be put to the test -- using the same physical and mental challenges that prepare our nation's bravest men and women to defend our nation -- and their arduous journey will make for riveting television," explained NBC President of Alternative and Late Night Programming Paul Telegdy in a statement. Sounds like we're going to be in for a lot of tears, and a lot of red, white and blue. Seems like each of the stars will have to play into their strengths, huh? In case they forgot what those are we've broken it down for them: Todd Palin: Moose-wrestling, Snowmobiling Dean Cain: Duh, the man was Superman! Flight Nick Lachey: Staying at a sustained, healthy body temperature Laila Ali: Please, she's a retired professional boxer. Watch her hands! She'll probably win the whole thing. Terry Crews: Well being expendable is probably a weakness. BUT! He sure is good at yelling. Picabo Street: Speed, nicknaming prowess Eve Torres: Wait, homegirl is a wrestler? She'll be really good at beating the s**t out of people (or at the very least pretending to) and wearing very small items of clothing. As much as the dudes will try to own this one, we're interested to see how Laila Ali and Eve Torres match up, because those are two girls that beat people up for a living. Yikes! Stars Earn Stripes premieres with a two-hour episode on Monday, August 13th at 8PM on NBC. It will then air on Mondays at 9PM. Could this show be any good, or do you think it's just a cheap ploy to get people to tune into yet another reality television program? Let us know in the comments! [Image Credit: NBC] Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: Bristol Palin's New Show Portrays Life as a Tripp — VIDEO Dick Wolf, Mark Burnett Team for Military Reality Show: 5 Celebs We Want to See Is Vanessa Lachey Becoming a 98 Degrees Groupie? Stars Earn Stripes
  • Tiny Ryan Gosling Sings: The Entire World Melts — VIDEO
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 19, 2012
    Well, s**t. That's really all one can say about this, right? The video (below) of Ryan Gosling may cause the collective ovaries of the Internet to explode. If you thought you had seen a lull in the 2012 Goslapocalypse, think again. Turn away from this page if you care about your mental well-being. Because here is the apex of adorable Ryan Gosling things (unless Ryan decides to play the ukulele to a dreaming puppy while singing “House of Cards” by Radiohead, in which case I will cease to exist): Tiny Ryan Gosling singing and dancing at a 1991 talent show with his sister Mandi. Now, Ryan Gosling's war against heterosexual females and homosexual males has long been documented — from his ability to break up fights, to his feminism, to his saving of people from harm, to his rescuing of animals — but this, this is just... it's going too far. Ryan Gosling must be stopped. And I'm here to appeal to him, one consenting adult to another (fingers crossed!): RELATED: Ryan Gosling Would Like To Be 'Making Babies' Dear Ryan Gosling, Hey there! How are you doing? Oh, yeah? That's swell. Listen, I need to ask you a favor, and I'm just going to come out and say it. I need you to stop existing before you destroy the universe. I know, I know; it sounds like a big claim, but seriously, hear me out. You are ruining everything. It's actually a compliment if you think about it! You are too good at existing, and it's about to cause a shift in the tectonic plates or something, which means the world is going to collapse. We (meaning all people that could ever possibly be attracted to you. So, like, 90 percent of the universe, roughly) could sort of deal with the idea that a beautiful human specimen such as yourself exists. We could almost deal with it when you started saving humans from harm. We were barely hanging on when you started talking about your stance on empowering female sexuality. And then we suffered heart-attack-levels of duress when you starred in Crazy, Stupid, Love. Now this? You, as a small child singing “When A Man Loves A Woman” and dancing?! You've gone too far, sir. Too Far! Now you've got us daydreaming about life on a combination farm-slash-winery in upstate New York, where we have children made up of 50 percent of your gene pool (because for a child to be even 50 percent of you means they're already in the top .5 percent of the world's greatest humans automatically). You tend to the grapes and play guitar, and I bake cakes and do arts-and-crafts and we hang-dry our laundry on a line in the yard. And we have three dogs. And everyone would comment about just how charming and perfect little Ryan Jr. is (to say nothing of his dance skills), and, well, that's just taking it too far. Your sorcery has somehow tricked this 26-year-old career-minded urban-obsessed lady into wanting children and a quiet life in the country. Do you know how opposite all that is?! Do you have any idea at all? RELATED: How to Save a Life: Ryan Gosling Edition And you know what comes after this, don't you? It's not just me. All the women (and some of the men) in the world are going to be too depressed at the thought of not being able to procreate with you. So all procreation will cease to occur. This is science. The human race will die off. Do you understand me? Do you understand the gravity of this situation, Ryan Gosling!? Do you even have any idea?! Your existence is literally the end of civilization. Look, I know this is a lot to take in, but it's the harsh reality. You did this! You were the one that just had to be charming, handsome, funny, intelligent, musical, and a modern-day superhero type that loves dogs. And to make it worse, you decided to also be an adorable tiny Gosling, too — as if grown-up Gosling wasn't enough! This is your fault! You are such a jerk, Ryan Gosling! A massive, huge, handsome, dreamy jerk. So you're just going to have to disappear and we're all going to have to get our minds erased à la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and, well, I'm sure you've seen the film (you are such a patron of the arts), so you know how terrible that whole process and situation looks. So I think, for the sake of humanity, you need to stop. Because our brains and our bodies and our feelings cannot handle it any longer. It is too much, Ryan; we are all bursting at the seams, and that's not healthy. So please, Ryan Gosling, I am begging you: Stop being so Ryan Gosling-y before you cause the end of the world. Sincerely, Alicia and the People of Earth RELATED: Ryan Gosling Destroys Earth Check out Tiny Ryan Gosling below, if you dare. It's sort of not safe for life (NSFL), in a way: Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes [Photo Credit: Warner Brothers Entertainment] You Might Also Like:15 Oscar-Winning Nude ScenesYoung Jack Black Is Totally Unrecognizable
  • 'The Bachelorette' Recap: The Trophy Wife of Croatia
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 18, 2012
    Croatia: the perfect place to fall in love. Not any of those other places--they were only so-so. Anywhere in the world (except, say, maybe the bathroom floor of a New York City Starbucks) is the perfect place to fall in love, according to these reality dating competitions. "The perfect place to fall in love" is this show's version of "I'm not here to make friends." Perhaps they will film The Bachelorette's exotic getaways in Detriot, Michigan next season, as I've heard it's a great place to fall in love! Enchanting! Romantic! Ooh! Ahh! Look at that dilapidated infrastructure! Magical. But for now, Emily Maynard and her rosebuds are in Croatia (which, all jokes aside, is a totally beautiful and amazing country). And in a totally new, shocking twist never-before-seen-on-reality-television, the star wanders aimlessly around the town with an overdub of her innermost thoughts: decisions! Love is hard, guys. Travis gets the first date card (hand delivered by Emily herself; what a treat), and the two skip off like children. Because this is a date clearly made for children. They eat ice cream and buy crosses and Emily has to hold Travis' hand while he tries to show off (and fails) on some rock that juts out of a wall. There was some ancient proverb (what is with the old sayings and weird superstitions this season? Ugh) written on the back of a McDonald's wrapper, tied to the shoe of a vagrant that a Production Assistant stole when she was drunk the night before. Ricki found it in the hallway of the hotel that morning, and Emily knew it was a sign! A sign from the heavens that she should make Travis decide his own fate on a rock. It read that if you stand on a stone and takes your shirt off while still balancing on the stone you'll be lucky in love. See? There's no way that gobbledegook could be real. Oh Emily, fooled by a drunk PA and a kooky Croatian vagrant! In any event, Travis does not take his shirt off, so clearly they are doomed. Back at the house, the guys don't believe Travis can come home from this date. Ryan and his didn't-know-it-was-possible-to-make-a-tank-top-look-douchier tank top agree. Ryan clearly shops at the brocery store. It was his magical tank top that wrangled him his second one-on-one date with Emily. He starts talking his looney talk about being able to manipulate any situation to get the girl. Oh yes, true love. Back on the playground date,Travis says Emily is the type of girl he dates “to a T” so of course that means he's donezo. Emily does not give Travis a rose, and Travis is forced to wander around Dubrovnik, Croatia in the rain for all eternity. Forced to cry and sniffle for the rest of his days. That is what actually happens when you can't stand on the stone and take your shirt off, Americans. Take note on your next family vacation to Croatia. Also if someone could get me a GIF of Travis' rainy umbrella-throwing tantrum ASAP, it would be greatly appreciated. Onto the group date! You're in a foreign country, so why not spend the whole day inside watching an integrated marketing placement a movie about a country you are not-at-all in! That's right—let's all watch Brave and talk about how it oh-so-totally relates to Emily or whatever: because I'm sure Merida would be thrilled that a show like The Bachelorette exists. Just tickled by the idea and everything it represents. But we're not done yet, oh no. Because it's time to take part in an age-old tradition that dates back hundreds of years: The Highland Games! Man, what a neat way to integrate yourself into the area's cultural history. Except they're in Croatia, who I guess just didn't have enough culture (read: money to give ABC) to plan a group date around. So we're pretending we're in Scotland but in Croatia. Cool and not at all weird, guys. Totally. Now let's go put some dudes in kilts! Chris is SO ready for the Highland Games because he's actually a Scottish cow. Arie got a bullseye because he IS a bullseye! Everything is just so great and not-at-all painfully dull/frustrating about this date. Who needs to explore the legitimately beautiful and rich Croatian landscape when you can go out to a field and pretend you're in another country for the sake of a movie?! Pish posh! Chris makes an ass out of himself and manages to win some sort of dumb bravery cup or whatever. A for effort or something. The guys also mucked around with something called “Maide Leisg” (which took a really long time to figure out how to spell because it sounds like “made leash” and that just doesn't bring up anything other than Etsy pages for homemade dog leashes when you Google it). It was fine. Arie and Emily are walking around after the group date, and he starts rambling about how he should've stood up for her more because wah wah wah this is all because he was second to last in the rose ceremony last week and now he's nervous. Arie, you are a dream boat. You're going to be fine in this competition. You're like Arya Stark—you will always be fine! My bets are on you getting into the Top Three (if not going all-the-way with it), but even if you don't, you have The Bachelor written ALL OVER YOU so don't worry about it, OK? Just let it all happen. Slow your roll. You're cute, don't mess it up by being all neurotic about things, OK? Next up is everyone's favorite neanderthal, Ryan. He has his blue suede (sorry, turquoise) shoes. Dress to impress? He also reminds us all that he believes himself to be very attractive. He's getting ready for his date with his new favorite plaything. Back in Scotland...Gah! F**K you, Jef With One F! F**k you and your adorable chivalry and the elbow patches on your professorial blazer. OK fine he is definitely in the top two. I'm a sucker for an elbow patch. Especially when he says nerdy/embarrassing things like “You give me the type of feeling that people write novels about. I really like it; I really like you.” He also admits he was scared to kiss her which is totally precious. Ugh, JEF! JEF WITH ONE F! You are creeping in, my dude. Burrowing yourself right into Emily's heart like a little floppy-haired chipmunk. I am OK with Jef. Lose the blankets, though, dude. In the end—despite the fact that she so totally prefers Jef and Arie over everyone else on the group date—our dude Chris somehow gets the date rose. Anyone else think they just have absolutely baseline chemistry at best? Am I the only one? I can't be. Next: Ryan The Shocked, Ryan The Ryan So now it's time for the cage to be opened and for Ryan to jangle his way out into society. He's laying his BS game on so thick when she comes to the house to pick him up. He talks about how Emily is a pearl because the world is their oyster and the house literally vomits him out of it because it was so offended by the bad taste Ryan left in its mouth. Second-hand embarrassment is a real killer. The dudes bust up after he leaves, which, duh. I'm amazed they stayed composed while he was shoveling all that horses**t in Emily's general direction, hoping that the least stinky piece of s**t would stick. Oy! On their date, Ryan admits he's rotten and trouble and wants a trophy wife (we'll come back to THAT one later. Need to let the firepit heat up). Emily needs to figure his BS out and fast. The best and most metaphorical moment of the date occurs when they go oyster harvesting! Emily is apparently not a fan of oysters and spits it out. Oh, reality television. When it comes together, it really does come together. Afterwards, Ryan makes sure to reiterate to Emily that he considers her not another human with a mind, thoughts, opinions, internal organs—but rather a piece of shiny, gold-plated metal. That's right, America! It's time for “Let's Get Cranky!” with Alicia Lutes. Ryan calls Emily a trophy wife again. Apparently she's supposed to be flattered by such talk! Oh ladies! What, with our tiny lady brains, we can't understand that being called an inanimate object is a compliment. When will we EVER learn, amirite?! BRB, going back to the kitchen to make some pies while barefoot—they're filled with feminist rage, these pies! So juicy! The choicest bits of the conversation include Ryan saying “every man should believe his wife is a trophy.” Yes! Of course! This is 100% accurate and not-at-all offensive to humans. Emily quickly retorts that “trophies don't talk back.” Ryan chuckles and immediately gets lost in a daydream. It's a reoccuring dream. He's sitting on the porch of a log cabin. It's 1662. A quiet, subservient mouse of a woman makes him dinner after serving him some homemade ale. (He needs it after f**king all the barnyard animals all day!) She silently cleans the home under the cover of night—after he's fallen asleep, of course. Later, she'll pop out a bunch of sons—and only sons! He feeds the girls to the zombies like it's Game of Thrones up in here—and only enters their marital bed when its time for some P in the V. What a romantic! Snapped back into reality, Ryan replies “you would be the very first of that kind.” Which, OH MY LORD, SOMEONE TAKE THE WHEEL, I'm about to go offroad on this motherb***h. The beauty of this show, though, is that I realized I am actuallly a superhero with real, superhuman powers. Every time Ryan opens his mouth I turn into FemiHulk and HULK SMASH all of the misogynistic bulls**t that emits from this man. Which is a lot. Seriously. It's as if he was hot garbage on a summer sidewalk next to a mountain of rat corpses. Instead of shorts I wear a flowery skirt that never tears and doesn't fly up when a draft or an aggressive smash occurs. See? Magic! But seriously, did someone pick Ryan up out of an Ed Hardy factory dumpster and send him back in time 10,000 years JUST to bring him back after he got real comfortable with the complete and utter disregard for women back there? Like, what alternate universe does he come from that he thinks this sort of attitude with modern-day women is going to get him anywhere? If you find out, let me know so I can never book a vacation there. This crap continues into the dinner scene. I can't get into all of the details because I will probably keel over and die from hysteria, so I'll stick to the key points. They go to dinner in a fancy-looking ballroom situation. She is wearing a gold dress and actually, har har har, looks like a trophy. Ryan actually has a list of the qualities he's looking for in a woman, and he decides to share them with Emily. Here's his full, unabridged list: 1. Loyal 2. Logical (aka a non-hysterical woman. LOL is there such a thing LOL?) 3. Fairness? Or something? 4. A respectable dowry 5. Faithful 6. To be a nurturer 7. To be confident 8. To be magnetic (so he'll never lose his keys!) 9. To be easily drawn up in case a replacement is needed 10. Someone who loves to laugh 11. Someone who hates the outdoors and friends 12. Someone that's a servant (This isn't even one that I threw in as a joke, you guys. This was actually on his real list and yes that is worthy of this many exclamation points!!!!) 13. A unicycle 14. Beautiful 15. Mouth like a blowfish 16. Loves to catch my eye (??) 17. Is an anatomically correct Barie Doll 18. Loves to be cheated on! Emily feels like she has to be perfect around Ryan. She grabs the rose. She thinks he's funny and handsome and a good kisser. Which, Emily, I know this is a TV show and you want to be nice and all, but STOP inflating his ego with this stuff! These superficial, stupid things are not important, but they do make him feel more important than he is, and allows him to continue to treat women as objects and playthings because he believes those are the only things he needs to get a woman and keep a woman. It's perpetuating a lie that he's lodged into that cavernous hole where his brain was supposed to be, but he left it in that Ed Hardy dumpster. At least she tells him to go home, which, yay! And Ryan is so mad—so double yay! A moment of silence for Ryan: GO HOME GET OUT OF HERE SEE YA NEVER BYE. He's shocked but that's because he doesn't have the mental capacity to feel anything other than proud and horny, so this new emotion (we call is humiliation, my dude) is causing the tinker toys behind his eyes to whirr and buzz and overheat as they try to process something they cannot. But Ryan also cannot just quietly walk away and respect Emily's decision. Oh no! She must be wrong! She couldn't possibly know what she wants in this situation because Ryan hasn't yet been able to tell her what she should want, of course! So he lectures her. FOR-EV-ER. Seriously. He's so surprised he's going to lecture her about about why she's wrong for 47 hours. He thinks she's making the wrong choice and that he's right for her. He's really shocked, you know? So shocked that he feels the need to repeat that word to Emily no less than 800 times. The funniest part of all of this is how transparent Ryan is in his lack of respect for Emily (or probably any woman, for that matter) since he cannot seem to respect her enough to think she can't make up her own damn mind and have an original opinion! ufhisudbnkjdfiugrisgunbdujnoiuhrg?! It's so offensive and totally misogynistic that I'm about to throw my laptop, my television, and myself out the window. Oooohhhhhhh mmmmmmyyyyyy gggggggggoddddddddd juuuuuust ggggggoooooo hhhhhooooooommmmeeeee RRRRRRRyyyyyyaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn! But of course he cannot just go home because he needs to spend every last second after Emily has reiterated her decision talking into the camera to state his case. (Emily also started crying at one point, which Ryan OF COURSE jumped on because he was trying to exploit her and undo her decision because he is quite literally the world's worst human. I would say I want him to get slapped in the face with a million STD-infected d**ks if I didn't think he'd like it so much.) Choice quotes from Ryan's taxi ride of shame include: “you look at me you're looking at a winner!” and “spend five minutes with me and i'll tell you though i've been blessed with a lot of worldly gifts.” PLEASE MAKE THE BAD MAN STOP. He also begs the editors to not edit him to look like an “arrogant ass” which, ha! No need, dude, no need. After this there was a whole bunch of crying on Doug and John's part. It was sweet and all but I'm just so exhausted from Lord Brodemort up there that I can't really get into it. In the end...no one goes home! Surprise! And here I thought they'd be announcing the finale to be next week (I mean, Emily really knows how to cut the men, doesn't she? It's all Boom! goes the dynamite! with her.) Next week they're off to Prague, and we'll FINALLY get to hear the dirt on Arie's former relationship with a producer of the show! Steamy. Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Get The F**k Out! 'The Bachelorette' Recap: We Need to Talk About Ryan 'Bachelorette' Contestant Arie Teases His 'Fiancee': Engaged to Emily? Bachelorette
  • Arsenio Hall: Back to TV, Back to the 90s?
    By: Alicia Lutes Jun 18, 2012
    Holy '90s resurgence, Batman! If all the new boy bands (we're looking at you, One Direction and The Wanted), Beavis and Butthead's return, and the new Men in Black sequel didn't mark it already, this certainly has: Arsenio Hall is returning to television. Mr. Hall is feeling the success of his win on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice, huh? The show — set to hit the air in the Fall of 2013 — has already been bought up by 52 percent of the markets in the country, which is nothing to sneeze (or blow a saxophone) at, by any means. The show is being produced by CBS Television, who produced his old show (back in 1989 - 1994) when it used to be called Paramount Domestic Television. Arsenio's old show — which was really pretty fantastic — hosted several iconic pop culture moments throughout its five-year run, and news of his return to the format is certainly exciting. Will the woofs be back? What about The Posse? We await the answer to these questions with baited breath and a lot of excitement. Below we've compiled some of our favorite moments of the old Arsenio Hall Show, did your favorite make the cut? Bill Clinton Gets Saxy Arsenio Interviews Jason Vorhees Vanilla Ice Interviewed About MC Hammer Whitney Houston Surprises Arsenio for his Birthday All I know is, if all this '90s stuff keeps coming back, Global Guts better follow suit. [Image Credit: NBC Universal] Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes More: 'Celebrity Apprentice': And the Winner Is... 'Celebrity Apprentice': Are You 'Woot'-ing for Arsenio Hall? Arsenio Hall: 'Abdul was great in bed' Arsenio Hall